I feel like a shadow, for I can only be seen with light.
I am losing focus of whats wrong and right.
I feel like I am losing my self worth everyday.
Falling behind on love and care and the bills to be paid.
Drinking myself quietly to sleep.
Forgetting about what secrets I should keep.
Waking to another agonizing day of light and sound.
In the bottom of the bottle I wish to drown.
back to sleep forgetting about this day.
So depressed I forgot to pray.
The past is catching up all my kids have grown.
Slowly slipping away into the unknown.
One day I was going to make that positive change.
Starring into the grey skies of falling rain.
But than I realized it was to late.
No chance left to make things right it all went away.
Lonely and sober and no one to love.
Wishing I would have given more kisses and hugs.

Too much stress i feel depressed
my lifes so fast its blurring past
Hells an eternity so big and bold,
my world possessions i wish i'd sold
I dont need them here or anywhere
its not like anyones gonna care
To Hell with you I'll pull myself through
I've been here before, at deaths door
Dont cry for me when i'm gone, just sell my house and burn my lawn
She said the flowers didnt die... they sat there idle and made her cry
Dont say goodbye, its too late
so shut the door and lock the gate
leave me here in my room today
hello to hell is all i'll say

I sit alone, forcing myself in solitude
Fearing my anger and demolition of an attitude
Struggling with suicide and homicide thoughts alike
Living this nightmare, never knowing when I may strike

I pray for life, I pray for death
Mental shutdowns leaving one big mess
A struggle, A nightmare, no relief in sight
Closing the shades to the moon, it s to bright

The crazy thoughts come and go
Suicide watchman loses his way on patrol
Writing, striking, knocking on deaths door
Instead of me it s the few that I love and adore

Clenching teeth until they break
I m still paying for those fckd up mistakes
Still horrified at self actions and emotional pain
Knowing my loved ones ignore the signs of me being insane

But than again maybe I hide it all to well
A rotting empty self hiding in a happy little shell
Sometimes my true colors bleed through and show
Spreading my pain and emptiness for all to know

Sometimes it pushes some even farther away
And really truly, to me that s ok
I never needed the company of them or you
I will puzzle the pieces of my mental illness through and through

Once this nightmare is over and done
Another will arrive with the setting of the sun

As you slowly run,
Falling down a void,
Of never ending cycle,
Your persistence considered,
Never disappoints restless,
I debate wandering,
To stop the dripping tap.

He Watches me dance in the rain
Yet ask me why I'm wet
He watches me cut my heart into two
Yet ask me why I'm bleeding
He asks about my scars
Like he didnt witness my suicide attempts
He asks me why my heart is broken
Like he had no hand in it

Let me go and don't say a word
Loose it up my nerve hurts
Abadon me this is my third

My survival instinct kicks in, do i dare?
Why is it so hard to die? It's not fair
My neck is tangled and i grasp for air

A rope and a hole that fits just fine
I already forgot my thoughts during the last line

Confused i reach for the chair with my feet
I have lost hope, but not my will to live

Words Of Harfouchism

how easy was it
to walk away?
did you walk out
with your heavy heart
weighing you down
or did you run out
skipping?
why did you
have to go?
why did you think
the only option left
was to simply
pack you bags
and leave?
it hurts.
it hurts a lot
knowing
that you gave up on me.
gave up on us.
i don't think
i have cried
so many tears
in my sixteen years
of existence.
but if you came back
i would welcome you in
with open arms.
we can start new.
i can refill your heart
with the love
you lost when you
walked out.
but answer me
one thing:
how easy was it
to walk away
mom?

Graciously welcomes 8 hours
of silent darkness,
greeted by my bedroom wall.
i have embraced it as a close friend
in these hard times.

You smile,
But your lips have a quiver,
You laugh,
But there's a graininess to it,
As if you're about to choke.

The blue ocean laps across your feet,
But you see only the black of the night,
Your toes curl around the cool sand,
But the sand feels hot to you,
Burning, scalding with deafening heat.

You've wished upon a million stars,
But see them only as dim dots in the sky,
You give so much love to the world,
But don't know yourself what love is,
As if you've learned only selflessness.

Calm your senses,
Feel the wind upon your face,
Without feeling the heavy, dusty layer
Of nothing, permeating your senses,
With the sharp chill of a falling icicle.

Feel something,
Feel anything.