Primal energies weave through as the ocean meets the sea. Calm waters with mad minds.
Ever-changing tides, churning the depths up and out as an unheard scream gets lost in the winds.

Towards an expanse vacant as the feelings that no longer exist yet, we strain to maintain this facade praying none may view the cracks.

Falling into each wave, begging the universe to cradle the demons within, or just aid in the escape, or simply, just simply cast them into the depths of the void.

As we await what may never return, at candlelit tables apart in spirit, occupied in form only.
The requiem of a night’s promise gone sour.

The tides move delicately, yet ever haunting is the music to resonate the wind’s continued dance of strained existence.

Etched in time, in the shadows people seek to see, the witch holds the ****** memories in a clasped hand for all eternity. The bitterness will never yield to forgiveness.

Deadlights and false fronts in a hollow seaport the light exudes as equal a warning of its inhabitants as its rocky shore’s embrace.

What was, will certainly bleed, trapped in photographs of a town.

Now, forever, out of time.

Consequential damage accumulated within multiple sorrows has that eternal clock left with permafrost, binding the impactful moments to each cell.

Confusion sets in as the soul screams for redemption, wanting to be free of the “sins” of the masses, including the mass within.

Staying in vigil of my own essence, my own love, each step takes me further into the abyss.

Falling upon broken knees,  broken from years of repent, tears fall as the body quakes in release.

Again, a journey into the dark night of the soul.  A space where a stamp on the frequent flyer card would be nice for a bonus ascension.

Rising within the etheric realm, shedding the mud and negativity is the goal.

Why isn’t it mainstream to want to rise above?

This space, this damnable space is ours alone to navigate.  No pill fixes it, no substance numbs it.

It’s that journey we signed up for which is ironic.  So the basic message?

Stay in your own lane, rise and shine, **** or get off the ***, rot and die.

Impregnable choice isn’t it?

Ironically it’s on us…cheers.

The shadows have been cleared
through watery eyes

A soul well fed by creativity beyond measure
…you fed me well my friend with grace, ease and peace

As the sun cleared the rain I ceased breathing
the sorrow poured from my depths

I honor the words, the love…dark and light
you are the bearer of many truths

I honor you and our words.
Eternal peace Friar⭐️

From your TLC💜🙏🏻

Lemon honey in tea, with a swirl of cream. Inhale the morning.  
Cats are lying in the beams of light that shine through  
the old farmhouse glass. Being the Queens that they are.  
In the distance smoke from the neighbor’s chimney rises through the woods  
and fades like a sweet dance.  
In this peace filled space of mine I wonder.  
Wonder where you are, what you are doing, if you  
ever feel my true heart from here to there?  
The heart where countless of hours were spent in your arms  
laughing like children experiencing the innocent, the new.  

Now sitting on the front porch with an old embroidered shawl  
my grandmother made I slide into the moment of sigh.  
Content in being alone, in the center of nature’s universe.  
The crisp air filling my lungs and clearing my thoughts.  
While the depths of silence allow me to engage in a new  
day free form.    
No rules anymore, no guilt or shame.  No  
feeling the loss of you from my every moment.    

You see, the real you.  The one you so wanted to be was embedded  
inside this space deep within me.  A place where I will always hope  
and dream with you.  A place where love was born before  
the Armageddon of truth hit us both.  

~The bouquet of fresh flowers I cut for the day, are cut for me, and loved  
for the precious moments shared and lost by our selfishness.  A breath of fresh air  
on a misplaced grave.  
I pray for those we hurt and hope they found their space to shine in this world.  

It’s then that I place my tea down on my desk…open my journal and etch upon  
paper,  to dream inside the places only fools go.  

It’s my life…my day…my selfless simplicity.

Saints bow to the hell that rides inside her veins
sinking teeth deep within white weak flesh
licking the coma from lifeless blank eyes

Dying to consume the succulent
his **** gets hard...while ***** fill
with ache and memory

Sip from the lava of Kali
wet your mouth while drinking her in
and you will never thirst again

All she wants is for you to spread her legs
force her hips up and ****** hard into her secrets
****** hair in hand while the smell of blood and sweat fills the air

Wet ******* glisten...
teasing you, tempting you
begging for release of that warm seed
fantom touch

...She walks on fire just for you
could you throw the ***** some water~

Somethings in the air tonight
hungry hands grasp for it only
to watch it as it eludes every grip

Electric smoke dances around me
rising like Kundalini
until it lands on my full wet lips

On instinct an inhale takes it deep
pulling it into every heart beat
every pulsing cell

Aware of the rapture being born
within me I let control slip away
while it touches me where butterflies take flight

Spirits combine becoming one
while touch engages my body
in a ancient rhythmic rise and fall

Scent captures every sense
making me want to taste the me and you
quickened breaths and shallow moans escape

Tell me...tell me when
my eyes are closed
my hands clenched
my thighs scream with desire

Tell me...tell me when
I'm with you...

When love masks sorrow
peace survives on lips of gold
Pools of surrender swim in my eyes

Sorrow never knew the beauty it held inside its own divinity
while sounds of chains dragging behind feet torn and battered still motion forward

Spores of gold spatter over my face on inhale as I breathe the you into me...the dusting of your Lily

Foraging through crevices of lingering thoughts I emerge triumphant by just knowing you and your love

Unified like webbed twigs we have known the exquisite...the divine
Along with the madness of hell

We promised forever
No one...not one
Can **** those words from our souls

Always-your Sunshine

....and she fell asleep with thunder in her hair
  and lightening as her breath
fearless~

There is a sacred space where the fear based world
doesn't exist

A place where doubt doesn't rule our immobile selves
leaving us comatose

Day to day we ache for righteousness and fairness
yet the birthing place of that is within not out

Chemicals burn our beauty leaving behind
pitted flesh and scared souls

Empowerment has been lost
to the easy road of escapism

The battle of beauty and beast lives inside us all
the journey is ours to navigate

Today I choose to embrace my exquisite surrender

Embrace what is inside me that is fear...and beastly
transmuting darkness into light

Finding balance here with a passion and fire
that is determined to change my vision

Desire isn't an act of merging body's
with ******* outcomes
Desire fuels the union between you and fear
there is no word for the empowerment of a soul
that honors itself...

The trinity begins inside you

It’s here that I lay to rest
bones lying against mountain terrains
subtle layers of healing happening as the wind
rain, sun and moon caress my very being.

Vulnerability is lost now, against your anger
and self-inflicted pain…your owner ship is still
lacking yet my personal yield tells me different.

It’s peaceful here, a place to rest among the
the trees, the peaks and valleys.
My chest taking shallow breaths with the rhythm
of the earth.

In the darkness where you dwell just know one thing.
I am not forgiving when the cycle remains on repeat.
Walk one step on the peaks and valleys of my new
inherent breath and I will swallow you up into the fires
deep within the ancient hollows.

Your days of trespassing are over and the angels, saints,
guides, and ancient beings are here to ensure you feel
the burn of the barbed wire your sickness sells.

I’m resting…not dead.

Like warm silk
my lips move along your
lay lines

Awakening a primal fire
and need to drink from the cup
of wanton desires

This scares you because you know
I’ll do all it takes to lick the last seed
inside you...off my lips

You ache for my crazy ways
Admit it.

I died yesterday. The pain was worse than I thought it would be. They say it will be different but it’s not. I’m here to tell you so.  The burn pierced through my flesh as the bullet searched for a place to exit.  So here I am now, standing on the edge of a cliff with hues of brown and grey.  I was expecting more of all of this.  No bells, no whistles, no angels or unicorns to soothe the torture I thought I’d left behind.

My escape plan failed.  Now what?  Ginger clouds on the horizon and not another soul to be found.  With a deep breath and sigh,  a resignation lands on the half smirk on my face.  I’m well aware that we humans can ***** up life but what the hell with death.  A mere mortal soul left here to linger for all eternity playing memories over and over in my mind.

I died yesterday.  It’s over rated.  I see now the faces of the ones I left behind.  I do feel bad for the ones that loved me more than I loved myself or life but some….wow.  I can’t believe they had the nerve to even show up.  I hope it makes them feel better.  Mind ******* me while pulling my life force out like a taffy stick.  Pulling until they got it all than had the nerve to swallow.  It’s ok.   There are plenty of people like me, bleeding hearts holding space for beauty in a Beetlejuice world.   I hope the party celebrating my life with them cheers them up, poor people.  The sorrow will be soon lost over a week or so when they realize they never were invested.  Keep the flower you killed.  I don’t have a vase.

I died yesterday.  I’m sort of getting use to this.  No one is ******* children, ******* animals, mutilating women’s genitals.  No one is popping out kids just to get a government check and good God…yes God there is no politics.  The best part is the silence.  No cars, no honking,  no ******* rap music.  No parents screaming at their kids and Christ.  A group of broken people sheeping it through that thing called life.

I died yesterday because I couldn’t hold the light for the world.  I couldn’t even hold it or hope for me.  It’s too ugly, too deep and too *****.  I’ll just stay here in the middle and hope that they see me here.  I’m not so bad, not to soul *****.  Maybe just maybe I’ll be seen.

I die everyday.

This place
so untouchable

Hard to explain
something that is rarely seen

Brave souls try to feel it
and die young

Toxic...yet addicting

Many walks have been taken
in this direction...
I stopped before the hell
burned me

Scars from many journey's before
glisten in the light of day, raw, subtle
reminders of.

The tears in my eyes, the gentle kisses
that taste of all things divine, the lingering
slow touch...the inhale of your earthly core.
All these things became the hell of all avoidance.

Here's to the barren fields of your own untouchable place.

May you linger there long enough to set us all free~

Spending most of my life seeking the approval
of others has left me empty...void of, on to many
occasions.
Head in the sand and spiritual *** in the sky left me *****....force fed an illusion of friendship, companionship.
Delicate and broken is now my newly accepted stance in this world.
Maybe I was to raw in a well done society.
Knowing love and hate. Pain and joy. Being the Judge and the ******, . Dark and light.
Just to real for those tripping on their many faces feeding an inner frenzy. And me? I’m laying there like a lizard in the sun.
What you see is what you get...and I’m good with that..
I love me as is...

Far to long you have suckled from the vein of my
extreme existence.
Draining vessels of gold while leaving the decay
for the crows.
Climb on and ride the old bones that have
betrayed me...free will some say.

Fear, point blank I have to break up with you. I just don't
get off on getting off anymore.
It's the real things that turn me on...like scent,
passion, fire, water, and sky. And lips, sweet succulent lips.
Bliss fills me up with absent gold and I get high...so ******* high.
Carry on.

The car crashed
...the lights made the crackling glass look magical

The blood on my lips
...tasted of you and it was then that I knew

I’d never waste another life moment
... on you and your lies

Instead I’d forever taste the sweetness of my own divinity✨

The magic was tempting but fate jumped in and saved me.

There is this memory of you and I; a time when all we did was graced.  All that was said was gold and all we felt was the blood of the earth and the sky pumping through our veins  
:Simply meant to be  
  
Now the lines are blurred like the ripples in the water.  I can't see clearly anymore I can't see the defined lines.   I don't know the rules and I'm tired.   I want to know your love and I wish that you could want it as much as I do  
But the blood of the earth ran dry and the sky is covered in grey.    
:Simple rantings of the forlorn    
  
Time has stolen the youth on my face.  It is taken away moments that can't be recaptured. They say hope will heal that.   I'd like to believe that hope still existed, that there is a higher purpose to be found in these moments of solitude and void. I want to believe...so very bad .  
:Simply my belief lands on you    
  
Sadness is irrelevant here. The madness of letting go of the wants and needs of the mind and the heart; leaves me in shallow water  wandering constantly.  It's the memories and dreams that  make me sad. That's what takes me into that dark night of the soul where I question everything.    
:Simple renderings    
  
Ankle deep in shallow water; blurred, ripples cascading with each movement.  I doubt if I could drown here even though they say it only takes a teaspoon of water.    
Where I feel my air getting cut off from my body is in the moments when I think of our future.  The one we can't have because it's been blocked by fear.  
How foolish can two people be to let go of those kind of dreams? Maybe we're just the kind of people that like to feel pain, that like to drown in sadness while pretending...that we are ok.  
:Simply it's not ok  
  
So today we turn another blank page; while the pen has run dry. The words have all been spoken and within that the heart and the voice have fallen asleep...shh

There is a constant that runs through my soul
better and clearer than any other dream.

The river; she harbors my wants and desires within
her constant ever-changing being.

Release of all the unhealthy ties that have kept me
bound wash away into the depths, twist and turns
setting me free.

All freedom has a cost. I have paid the price like so many.
Now here on rivers edge in the light of the sun I erase the debt
and feel the hope, joy and love like never before.

Here in this place, I don't beg, borrow or fear. Here in love,
I receive for the very first time...my joy filled time~eternal.

It was no care package.
It was the lies you sent to me.
Poor woe is you and all the people you hurt.
No remorse...no sorrow.

Take what you've dished out.

An accidental whisper moved through
a soul thought to have been sealed; stone cold.

Yet there it was, alive with a warmth that
engaged; reawakening so many memories.

Laughter was born in those moments with a
gentle grace and ease; while fires burned in whispers.

A heart forever drifting in a space in time when
love existed in the purest form.

Forever grateful to feel that whisper move in,
making the heart of grace beat just one more time.

Dandelions in her hair
mists of Avalon dance
within her soul

And for in this moment
this one moment
she believed in love one more time

Cowering from the dark mist running through your veins
isn’t an option; you see, I’m not third eye blind.
The filth of your soul is on your own hands every time
they hit her skin; inflicting pain feeds you.
A ******* with zero regret and an abundant vocabulary
full of “you made me do it *****”.
Numb yourself again while sitting in the abyss of
of **** and playing victim.
No one, not one person can save your soul
until you own it.
Life is too short; put your demons to bed boy.

~Together we exhaust each other’s senses
feeding off carnal needs and desires
made sinful by frigid disasters

~Time has nothing on two who have
suffered from a cruel separation
due to fear of crucifixion

~Your taste lingers inside my mouth
while the memory of feeling the beat
of your heart surge through your staff

~Selfish am I too have kissed your entire
body just to inhale every intense release
of your body's purging taste on my buds

~Still it was you
you finally getting what you wanted
you taking those black lace *******
in your hand and ripping them down
while plunging deep inside the heaven
you came to over and over in dreams

~Spent you and I
Exhausted but never over
Our imprint is inside us both

~Tell that to our haters....

There it was the dead air she was waiting for
the time in between lies and *******.
Love in layers like the onion and all that boils
down to is burning stench.
Can’t blame the dream though
since reality holds its own truth.

Light up, take a drag
Fill your glass to the rim
Spill the false bravado to page

And there; is where the painful laughter ends.

It took me a while to go back to where the sadness started to penetrate

my very being.

It was back when I realized this world was so full of so many ****** up messes

that I couldn’t control, stop or fathom half the **** time.



Who in their right mind rapes a baby, child or adult? Who ***** an animal just because?

Torture, when did that creep into our DNA as a norm? There are people or maybe beings

let’s say that are soulless .  Creeping around smothering the belief system of hope right from

the lungs of humanity.  My lungs have been depleted by the vile.  Breathing in the virus of dead air

from centuries before us.

I walk on the same Earth as angels and demons.   The score board being upheld in numbers by astral

beings because we humans are too stupid to know the real score.  None of us tapping into our full

potential of being due to the dense vibrational pull to dumb down.

I’m living life walking on my knees in prayer while my feet have become useless.  I don’t hate the

destructors I pray for them.  I pray that as the evil lifts itself from the earth that it is banished.

I may live my life praying from bloodied knees, I may be broken and tired but I will never give in, and

I will never give up believing that we are the change.  Engage…

Clearing the air might be nice.

You see in your mind you justify what you did to me by saying "I loved you but wasn't in love with you".

I wish I was evil enough to post the countless times you planned a future with me.
The two of us creating a reality out of our years of dreaming.

Loving you was easy, and loving you is something you can never take from me.
Yet, there are things I won't own anymore. The anger, disappointment and betrayal after you willing shared years of laughter, love and passion.

One thing that the evil side of me enjoys, is the fact that you will never forget my blue eyes looking deep into yours as I swallowed you whole. The first kiss, while you placed my hand on your hard desire,  and then you pulling my ******* off while slamming yourself deep inside my wet walls of desire.  

So justify this all the way that you have too, I know the truth... because it was me that held you together during the worst of it all....

Justification feels empty now doesn't it...?

Those words tore at my flesh
tearing away any last thoughts
lingering in my memory.

You stole from me...

And I never have to forgive that~

A form fitting red sequin dress lined with silk slipped over her body transforming
her nakedness into a showboat of desire.

Adding the black heels,  she was ready for the night.

The entrance:

:Men's heads turned as their eyes met the spectacular view of the woman in red as she entered the room.  Carrying herself with confidence and a seductive grace. You could feel the masculine energy move across the room as each one knew they were going to try to have that right there mount them that night:.

It was as if she were in heat and each one of them caught her scent. The mating dance began.
Drinks were purchased and placed in front of her with intent to weaken her.
Smiles, with bright white teeth and words that reeked with every innuendo possible spilled across her body.  

The teasing:

:Knowing her power she moved seductively in the dark light.  The sequins sparking and enhancing the movement of her breath...the rise and fall of her chest.  The exposed cleavage beckoning them all with thoughts of burying their desire between them soon.  Long soft ringlets of her blonde hair rest at the swell of her ******* and she would lean in to whisper simple nothings so they could catch her scent.  Kisses began.  Soft and simple yet leaving red residue on the lips of the desired.  The hands once resting on the knee moved up into her silk like thigh testing her, seeing where or if they would meet resistance:.

The alcohol burned as it flowed down her throat.  There is no high like being able to turn someone on so much you could feel their ache.  You could see the heated rise and her hand would get close and she'd just rest it there.  The scent of desire penetrated the senses of them both.

Excusing herself for a moment, she walked unknowingly by them all out the side door.

At home now, in front of the mirror she slowly removed her dress.  Blackened tears streaked down her face.  Pausing at her ******* she caressed them.  Playing with her hardened ******* between her fingers.  But then the rest of the dress dropped to the floor.

Exposed:

:There she stood, as is.  Broken.  Naked only to herself and for none to see.  Feeling forsaken by God and Universe as she looked at herself in the full length mirror.  She hated the view between her thighs....where her ***** betrayed her worth:.  

Playing with fire, playing with desire, but not loving herself enough to be open and free.

The knife hit the vein, and in moments she wore the stains of a different red dress for all eternity.

Being told over and over again that there is freedom in letting go leaves me feeling inept again in life.  
There is a space of void now that sends out a vibration to remind me of all I am not. All that I never was and how most of my love was spent on someone else’s lie.

The shadows still tease me, wanting me too take that leap of death.  But I’m to numb to move.  What do you do when your body is alive and your soul’s essence has been seared?  I can’t go to the Dr.,  I’ve prayed so hard I have a spiritual hernia.  Nothing takes away the ache.  Not one prayer has taken away that moment.
.
Why am I invested in a lie?  It never was real so I’ve been told.  Yet those words hold no value to me.  It’s this feeling, deep inside my heart that remembers your soul’s imprint with mine.  I have to choice to live this life now by just standing still.

No one wins.

A little girl with the shell of a woman
was brought to her knees  
The wind, rain, sun and moon feasted
upon the fragile skin

From the trees eyes watched
as the spirit inside fought the fear
it was then that a grizzly came forth, teeth bared
foul  breath seared the soul
…and she remained

Feeling paralyzed the night turned to day
with eyes wide open a wolf was spotted
…she dropped her head and took a deep breath
He circled her…growled so deep it vibrated inside her soul
…she remained

A white buffalo walks in her direction
the ground beneath her shakes as each  
hoof hit the earth
…the demand was silence  
Eyes met for what seemed like a lifetime
…she remained

The fear was released…in equal amounts to her life force
Until a man, white in spirit stood tall above her
reaching his hand out, telling her it was time
…she wept, and remained

It was then that she felt the man’s arms around her
placing her up against his chest, warming her
within the confines of his body
filling her spirit back up with light

The strength of that inner child was reborn to her  
that day…all cells became alive again and the heart
beat like a gentle drum.
…she is renamed

Eyes wide open with new sight
she looks over the meadow she had fallen into
thanking Mother for absorbing the fear
and Father spirit for loving her through it all
…she is~the wisdom keeper

She was the Princess of Purgatory
wanting more from people and life
but never reaching out on her own.

I’d visit her there often inside the glass castle
braiding hair and brewing up dreams upon
thousands of stars…galactic sisters her and I.

There were territorial whispers saying that
she cried at night alone
…my heart broke for her, so I would inhale her pain.

Holding that breath I’d bend to kiss her good-bye
witches bones rattled as I passed through the veil to the light
…on exhale all was released, transmuted with life’s flame.

Balance is found in the depths of her and I
even in our one sided visitations~

There is no invitation required to enter here
just love~

Feeling life exude through sleeping cells was like
a kiss from the long awaited Prince.

…Awakening sensations that had slept for far too long
It’s time to absorb the magic that has swept through
every crevice over time, once gliding; now taking hold

The veil between heaven and earth is resting inside  
palms ready to cast the spells of immense healing
…hands ***** and heart pure the shadows are lifted to
the skies…be gone…be gone…be gone…  
(it is done) Amen

Survive with the spirit and essence of the holy ones  
that fought so many battles for us, holding true to the divine
…for guidance and survival

Hold the light for them
for you…for us.
Breathe in the magic Goddess, it is time.

It was all the things that healed her soul
...casting the shadows of death to the light
transmuting ages of sorrow into peace

A time of gathering bits and pieces has begun
...releasing fates shadows to the original cast of players
moving with divine grace into each step taken

Walk here into this space of hope and dreams
...dance barefoot in the rain with blind abandonment
breathe in the sweet scent of the earth churned like the soul

Freedom had a price
...and she was penny poor
but here
         in this space
everything is hers

Dare to be...this is moment that defines you~

My life has been on hold for years. After my divorce then falling in love with someone who claimed to be available and wasn't in so many ways I was actually in prison. Even after the divorce we lived together for 4 years while I attempted to save my family home.  But the financial world doesn't like self employed people.

So my losses were stacking up.  30 years of marriage gone and a divorce thinking I was going to be with the love of my life...which was the biggest lie of my life.  My family home sold to investors that will rent it out for profit.  During all of this I lost my best friend, my sister Cyndee.  I lost all other family members due to the fact that I was divorcing my husband over an online love.  They called him a crazy predator and called me just bat **** crazy.  

I don't regret the divorce.  So much of me had died in that relationship.  Things that I never even was aware of.  I'm on my own now. In my own space, full of my energy and full of love.  And well cats lol.  I'm the cat lady now.  And I'm ok with that.

Falling in love with someone online is so easy.  You're here pouring out your heart and soul from a place that is broken or unfulfilled.  Most of us are honest and raw in what we write.  I met him...the love was real.  I crave his voice and his face every single day.  But it's his wife that gets all that.  So then comes in the burn.  I've tried to date since, but no one has that ability to spark the light that he did in me.  I know....I own my own, but it was so **** sweet to have someone "get you"...

So where does the anticipation come in?  Well, I'm leaving for England in three weeks with my friend Jen.  We are staying with a shared friend there.  We plan on going to Wales to meet his druid clan, then King Arthur's Castle and Stonehenge.  This year is a freedom year for me.  A time to let go of the sadness and to move forward with people who honor me and love me.  I love traveling with Jen she and I always end up getting into some trouble along the way lol.  

After that I'm off to do my work in California, Florida, Arizona, and hopefully friend stops in the Carolinas and Virginia.

I'm moving forward.    It's about bringing life in after so many years behind bars.  My lovers heart is still chained...but the rest of me moves on.~

Traveling through the mountains of Alaska and into the Yukon with nothing but time to think I felt connected yet disconnected. Time stops there and becomes surreal.  Between the beauty that seems gentle and the reality of the harsh conditions.  Pulling into Whitehorse, I got a room and was exhausted.  Opening the door, I noticed burnt orange **** carpet, the old cotton quilts, and heard Patti Page singing on a radio that had been left on.  
Extreme emotion, while stepping back in time and feeling my past rush through me.  This had the old triggers of my Mother and her Mother.  The sight the sounds, remembering the simple  joys that made us tick back then.  The happiness found in cleaning the house with my Mom on Saturdays while she played Ray Conniff and the Percy Faith singers, singing "I can see clearly now the rain has gone."  Man..we were wild lol.
I felt safe there because of all the memories.  The blanket tucked in around my body and that old music put me to sleep.
After coffee in the morning and some good old bacon and eggs it was time to fill up at the gas station that was a mobile home.  First time for everything I guess.  Turned the corner and abruptly stopped, not just for a moment but for an hour.  Bison.  Not a couple, not a few but an entire herd of huge Bison as big as my car.  The held me hostage for all that time but it allowed me to look at them up close.  To see the reflection in their eyes, and the breath exiting out of their mouths.  Will this place ever stop feeling like another dimension?

After they decided it was time, I got to pass.  Feeling like I finally had a new start to the day I moved forward with determination to make it far that day.  It wasn't long though before I was stopped again.  This time by emergency crews and scattered men and women running around trying to help people out.  To make people safe.  You see, by being held back I missed the landslide that took out the road, making it impassable.  I guess it just wasn't my time to leave this place.

Sitting in that car for a day while crews and dozers were brought in gave me a chance to let my mind wander to **** much.  Like the crazy monkey brain.  It hit me deep that I was spared and thanked the Bison in my silent prayer.  I held close to my heart the sweetness and safety found in the night before in a place so far away from home.  And more than anything, it gave me a chance to look in the mirror.  I saw my own reflection in my eyes.
I saw blue skies and mountains, I saw love so deeply born, I saw the past releasing hold of the future, and everything felt right.  Everything felt like burnt orange **** on a magical night~

Now I'm someone's Mother, making memories for them.  Being a rock of sweet peace and safety, and I'm so very good with that~

Over the past few years I've realized I spend a lot of time alone. It's not because I have two heads, three teeth and multiple ******* but more so due to the fact that in learning to be alone I am learning to love myself.  All of those small intricate things that make myself unique (as we all are) or even quirky have re-entered my life and it's been fun.

Just getting back to the simple things.  The moments.  Not living in the past with hate, disappointment, anger, longing, sorrow or grief.  Not living in the future with a racing heart and always running towards something that is never guaranteed.  This moment right here...this one is where I'm at.  Living. loving and being in a world where chaos is the 666 trying to bring us all down.  

So today while unpacking one of my boxes I found an old native american blanket of my great grandfathers.  I never use it because it was special.  What the hell?  I took it, packed my wicker basket that I  got from goodwill for three bucks...filled it with a beer and pickles...yep that's how I roll.

I drove out to the highest point of Lake Michigan...(good place to dump bodies I hear) and toasted me.  Toasted my visual heaven that day.  The space between where dreams become real and I feel the love wash over me.  Despite all the haters on this site...I love it here.  Because each of us are unique, quirky, self absorbed and ******* at something.  Love?  well that's one tickle or stroke away so whatever.  I just hide behind my two heads, three teeth and multiple *******... love gone safe.  

So yes.  The beer was opened and tasted like the earthen barley and hops while I toasted the moment...the breath, the blue sky and you~

All on my Great Grandfathers special blanket...we survived.

There is a unique happening when you believe your in a fight for your life. It's a tug of war between what your soul purpose is for this life and whether or not you'll succeed.  
So many voices in my head telling me what to do and how and faces of friends and family doing the same.  I just want it all to shut the **** up.  Just let me be or let me die.  I'm not sure of which makes much difference anymore.  
When is the fighting done?  Constantly moving over obstacles thinking there will be a huge
payoff and then ****...next challenge staring you in the face.  Angels and Demons make me feel spiritually bipolar and I'm afraid I've stopped listening.  To bad for them and so sad for me.

Today two years ago I lost my sister to cancer.  She had a fairy like energy and was here to simply love...that was it.  Yet she was so abused by those who couldn't see her in that simplistic beauty.  I miss her.. I feel her with me...but there is an ache you know.
She encouraged me to write and loved everything I did and her support is what made me.
Now I write and wonder why.  Who the **** cares about any of our ****?  Half the people on here are fake, and multi personnas to hide their truth and I too have done the same being Lily Mae.  I had to create her to hide from a stalker many years ago on Hello Poetry.  Now it all feels like ******* and babble.  Yes we all suffer and the loss is the cross bones of our existence.  How many of us love ourselves as is?  I know I don't.  I'm not the perfect bodied primadonna.  No one "wants" me on the outside but if my insides had a ****** shape I'd be ******* wanted 24/7.   So just let me be your friend and fill your fantasies and make you feel good while I have no one making me feel anything.  You know...I try to tell people that when you get that plant that caught your eye you do need to water it...

Maybe all this is just a melancholy blue until I get settled into a new home or fight to save the family home.. Even though my fight feels lost.  
I once told my friend Strider on here before he vanished that all poets are broken.  We all have been that vessel born pristine and then throughout life we fall and become chipped, broken..and then glued or discarded.

That's why we are the glue to the world.  Our love or want of it, our pain and lack of emotion to it anymore, our lust to feed a desire we've never known...we poets rock this world.  Because right now, it's our words good, bad or ugly that are keeping it real.  All the world leaders speak and choke from the place of a verbal armageddon.  **** their flaming words and lies.
  
I'd rather crash and burn in my own way then by the hands the disappointing hollow chocolate Easter Bunny that we thought was solid and bought with high hopes.
None of this makes sense and it contradicts itself in many places and yet that's my point.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  Not even this.

All that could be heard was
the chewing of her bones in
life's mouth

Spit out into the water like
stones spilling into the sewage
bilge

The tear running down her
face wasn't for pity
it was from pain so deep inside
that there isn't a word that could
hold the power of the emotion

Losing everything but the beat
in her heart...has left a hollow
void inside the well of souls

How many times has this river
taken her tears on a journey
a million miles away?

They all think she's strong and will
make it
the voices inside her says good bye
one minute at a time...day by day
alone and scared...unloved; replaceable

On rivers edge, in the sun, the end~

None of them saw this coming

Time passed with moments stolen
by the demands of life
for the first time in a long time
joy flowed through my veins
with peace giving me that warm glaze

Unexpectedly finding love
when it was the last thing I wanted
to seek out
...it found me here by the redwoods
on a stone so far away from the beaten
path

By letting my guard down
it found me...; I fell in love
all over again

The shine of the heart
blinded me, the compassion
flowed like my favorite river
not a selfish space was found

This love is unconditional
and faithful
...I found me; whole
I got to fall in love with me
again...losing the cloak
of judgement and pain

I'm a star from above
and I'm the earth child from below

I am~Love

Water draws me in like an old lover. Whispering sweet everythings to me.  Enticing me inside every drop, while gathering thoughts of yesterday and this moment.  Dreamstate becomes a part of every breath.  All my problems drift away in the current and there I am left for a bountiful renewal.

Baptism of sorts.  Cleansing away the monkey brain and allowing me to just be.  Why is that important?  Because I'm tired of being a fool and being fooled.  Of people hurting each other over and over for reasons that make no sense.  I've lost so much that there are to many moments where I wonder if I'll ever be found again.  I feel like God put love in my life only to tease me with it.  I watched the faces of my parents as they died and then my sister which was all to soon.  Loosing all this love to find what?  Self love?  Self preservation?  Well, I'm not good at alone.  I don't do it well.  And when my eyes meet the water, when my heart feels the vibration of the flow, I'm so close to heaven that I feel them all as if they were standing there with me again.  My lover looking into my eyes.  My Father, larger than life smiling at me.  My Mother's grace and softness soothing me.  And the most loyal and committed love from my sister.  
That's why I love any body of water so much...it's me...getting to be with them all again...in my little piece of heaven..xo

Blame got his hands *****
...yet still clung to the flower

The single flower gave him hope and light
...she loved the smell of the earth

Forgetting all that transpired
...Blame crushed the flower in his hand

Blame was washed clean
...yet his hands are still imprinted with shadows of

The flower was crushed
...in decay she still loves him

He never once crushed her soul~


~It was your choice to leave...so why do you still follow me? To hurt me more?

I'm not the same person I was yesterday let alone, a year ago. That seems to be a lifetime away considering all I've learned, all the lessons that have come my way.

This time has allowed me to go inward, to also be an observer of myself and others. Spiritual stealth mode. What I've come to know and realize within myself is that the judgement of others means nothing to me. I have been their lesson as much as they have been mine. We walk equal on this earth. My soul vibrates and transmits at its own frequency. I am not less than to anyone.  

In my quiet time I have seen the ones that I see as strong and impenetrable become real...vulnerable, fearful, and greedy. All places we have all been. Believe it or not.

So my point is. I love myself and my spirit. I love who I've been scars, wounds and bliss.. I am in this moment right where I am meant to be. As are you. Embrace it, love it, love you. In this moment I choose belief in myself over vulnerability, I am fearless instead of fearful, and I'm taken care of at all times and have no need for greed.

Journey with me. Let's love ourselves together one step at a time, hand in hand...looking forward.

From the shadows I'm allowed to see
if only for a moment
confusion sets in; pulling my corpse
from the coffin
...wonder, frustration ensue

Was it to remind me of what was
or that you are still there loving me?
Could be that you hate me?
How am I to know
you are the one that let us go

There is this shell of a woman
moving forward in time
grasping onto moments
just not anyone's heart
...my love is not my own

Torture me more if you must
or look up the definition of love
and apply as necessary
just know...for now and forever
it's you

Come out of the shadows
...tell me how you feel~

Engage

Delicate waves of memory float through my mind’s eye
hungry for the soft touch, light kiss, the inhale of essence.

Drifting inside the rhythm  of shared heat are forever  etched in the burn of
the heart.  Yet it’s the gentle breath…the eyes staring into mine, the soft sigh
that takes me there.

Paint with me a picture of golden light on fields of tall grass
and dew touching the delicate of our skin…kiss me before it dries.

Still frame these moments for the times you are lost in darkness.
The times that the dark side of the moon shadows your will.

Delicate fire on inhale…

He says he doesn’t run off ego
But reality says
He puts down the ego
as often as he puts down the bottle
And Casanova self proclaimed
I was never one of your women...
But I was your friend
Was... you burned that bridge

Like warm silk
my lips move along your
lay lines

Awakening a primal fire
and need to drink from the cup
of wanton desires

This scares you because you know
I’ll do all it takes to lick the last seed
inside you...off my lips

You ache for my crazy ways
Admit it.

There is a constant that runs through my soul
better and clearer than any other dream.

The river; she harbors my wants and desires within
her constant ever-changing being.

Release of all the unhealthy ties that have kept me
bound wash away into the depths, twist and turns
setting me free.

All freedom has a cost.  I have paid the price like so many.
Now here on rivers edge in the light of the sun I erase the debt
and feel the hope, joy and love like never before.

Here in this place, I don't beg, borrow or fear.  Here in love,
I receive for the very first time...my joy filled time~eternal.

It felt surreal~
Lights flashing through the cracking
glass and I
could only think to myself
“Is this it?”
It wasn’t
And I’m ok with second chances

Watch me fly

Listening to the clock on the wall
while memories **** my mind
sending chills across my barbwire
scars

Mocking echos hit the wall of
distaste while feasting still
takes place

Hate is less than here...
it's more about a life wasted
on midnight dreams soaking
on a **** filled bed

A tight grasp around the
the old hags neck keeps
the control in place
...while the gnawing on fingers
chokes the swallow

Conjuring up old shadows
on *** spilled walls
becomes a solo puppet show

Shallow breaths mask
excess flame
While chasing time~

Is it possible to move through the ache of a broken heart that has pumped sand for so many years?
Every time I feel a surge of emotion rise I choke it out from so many hateful memories.

I didn’t want to ever be this person. Jaded, angry, bitter.  Sad from a place that can’t be pinpointed because it moves swiftly through me hiding in each of my vulnerable spaces.
  
I can’t hate the man any more than I hate myself.  It took two but I so wish I could have made out that price tag.

I teach people every day to love themselves.  Ironic isn’t it?
  
In silence I write this…in silence I will die.