I died a few times in the night.
Hungry lips are decades away.
My passport is locked up tight
in the safe in my closet.
I’ve been a poet for so many years now,
but this feeling will always be
ineffable.
All the nudists riding bikes past my window,
all the love songs, all the sad songs,
all the lens flares and strong ‘o’ sounds,
and Jameson, always Jameson;
my hands get shaky
and tap out
you—you—you
on the coffee table
and suddenly I’m spilling drinks on myself
and I need to go for a run
and I feel sick to my stomach
and none of this makes sense.
I see the maintenance man every morning
and he says,
“Just another day in paradise”
and I actually believe him.
It’s easier when you’re so far away
because I don’t have to worry about
having you and then not having you.
I am terrified of the valediction.

Whoop, wow, careful now
Don't slip don't fall
Don't break into a misty skip
While dull as ditchwater sirens call

Keep your balance, toe the cord
You have stolen someone's sorrow,
Safety nets long rotted away
From expecting gone what's here tomorrow

But think with what grace you have left
And don your jester cap once more
What spasmic leaps you made, what fun
You got to see while on the saw

Up and down and Romeo
You capsuled dose of fun, you joy
Stop leaping over fields of mould
Stop making endurance your toy

I'll crack the whip and flair your shackles,
Shiver, shake, for soon you'll see
A spirit of pain has blown through with the wind,
But pass it shall, as easily

I feel empty inside
I wish I'd died
When you left
The world is grey
There is no joy
I've lost my light
And now there's nothing
But eternal night.

I will wait around forever
For you
No matter what you do
Or say
I'm here to stay

When I think back on that night I always laugh.
I probably shouldn't, but I do.
I laugh at our conversation on the stairs,
Lying on the cold, wet ground,
Just laughing at each other.
I laugh when I imagine us not knowing each other
At the start of the year and how,
When I talked to you, neither of us
Knew what one thought of the other.
I laugh because that seems so far away.
Because now when I talk to you it seems
Like we've known each other forever.
Like there was never a time when I stood
Awkwardly in front of you,
At someone's house who I didn't know,
With a drink in my hand trying not
To make a complete fool of myself to you.

I laugh when I imagine how funny
We must have looked that night.
How the birds or the sky must have looked down
On two drunken kids falling through a gate,
Telling each other things they would regret
The next day, or month.
I laugh when I imagine how "scandalous" it all was.
How for months after we would look back and smile
On that day, and wonder how we ever got to this point.

Now it all seems so far away;
Sitting in Smokies after the library,
(Only for 20 minutes though because
I need to get up early tomorrow, seriously Lochlan),
The hot chocolate rendezvous (definitely not dates),
Or sitting in Moyola with Morg and Meg,
Laughing at how ridiculous we all are.

I laugh at how ridiculous it all was,
And I wouldn't change it for the world.

Hundreds of thoughts
starts a fight
and I'm the one on losing side
And I have to face it ,
cannot avoid
They do not play fair
their debate
goes nowhere
It starts somewhere
and do not end
They make loud noises
each one with own voice
gives my head an ache
too much to take
Tires me out ,
brings me to the state
that I succumb to their whims
burn down my own dreams
I can't win against me
my very own frenemy