I met my younger self for coffee.
That morning.

Only I never liked the taste then.
Like I still don't like the taste today.

I sit across from a wide eyed girl.
Dressed like she was attending a funeral.
With big dreams to become.
Everything they never thought she could be.

Her smile filled with hope.
With a single question in her mind.
"Did we make it?"
She's too excited to stay still.

I sipped the tea I ordered.
While she is served hot coco.
That reminds her of better days.

She thinks she knows everything.
So it's hard to tell her she doesn't know enough.

Her smile I know hides.
A million secrets.
She puts on a good facade.

It would **** her if I told her.
All things they did.
The men she met.  

Yet if I told her we went to a theater in london.
With friends we never thought we'd find.
She'd scream out with glee.

But it's not my place.
To mess with time and space.
So I saved the good stuff as a secret.

All I whisper.
All I can say.
"We made it out alive."

She stares out of the window in disbelief.
Wanting to have heard much better news.
I take her hands in mine.
"Your better days are still to come.
We have so many more dreams than we did before."

She smiles through the disappointment.
As her phone begins to call.
We still keep our phones on silent.
Because we never liked the noise.

Keep your soft soul
it’s very delicate and pure
Stay gentle with yourself so you don’t feel pain when going through guilt
Remain kind to people who have done you right in life
And most importantly
don’t let the ugly truth of the future
make you feel bitter in the present

For I have discovered how our future looks and now my eyes feel deceived

Dear Little One,
I know things were hard for you
The kind of hard that forced you into adulthood before you were ready
Parts of you were stolen
You never deserved that
You were a gentle light, a precious child
I know you still cry out, reach for hands that wouldn’t take yours
Reach for love that every little one deserves
I am here now
I will let you cry in my arms
I will let you exist in your full feelings
I will hold you so tightly that you breathe relief at being held
Little One, you are precious
You are deserving
I know it took me a while to find you in the dark
But I am here now
And I will be here forever
With all my love,
Bigger One

the bath soap scent from my childhood.
the one my mother
would bring home every sunday;
for me to wash but never feel clean.
it stings,
but no longer seeps into cuts like antiseptic.
it smells like sorrow,
loneliness, and pain
yet the scent on my skin doesn’t make me sad.
i think of the girl and what the girl would think of me.
how far we’ve come;
and how we share the same scent on older skin.

and i hope for the child
who is no longer a child
who is now older than her abuser
to mourn the child inside her that doesn’t stop crying for salvation
to no longer feel his touch
through each hand to explore her body
to feel clean when she scrubs
her skin til it’s raw
to put down the blade before
it opens her up to so much more
i think about her when i bleed
though i don’t bleed for the same reasons now

Dear Gerard,
Yes, that's your name now. You'll have to get used to it.
Now that's besides the point. There will be a very hard time in your life.
Where you feel like you're not like everyone else and try to be like them.
Just F-ing embrace it. Cause that's what makes you who you are.
There will be people at different times in your life that will try to make you bad.
But don't ever let The Light Behind Your Eyes fade because of them.
There will also be a time where your thoughts get the best of you.
That's when you'll find the sheriffs of emo town.
You'll also find Patrick Stump and all of Green Day.
Then, in about a year or so, you'll find something that you didn't know was missing.
which is the show Supernatural. All of which will save your life many times.
One thing I want you to never forget is ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING.
Oh, one last thing, try to have a good relationship with your mother.

Shout out to the old me

The one who never quit being one of a kind

The one who spoke their mind all the time

The one who never gave up on their dreams

The one who wasn't afraid to be themself

The one who's an old soul and not scared of being one

The one who would never quit saying "I'm weird and proud of it"

The one who made mistakes and somehow never learned from them

So shout out to the old me

You're doing it
You're chasing those big dreams
And you're finally doing something that matters
Congratulations :)