Your words,
Taunt me.
An echo
Of your voice,
Haunts me.

You developed,
So coldly.
Proceeded to love me
So weakly.

Yet you turn,
To face me.
Say my name
So loudly.

Your grieving,
Of the old me.  
Yet I ,
Face you.

No words
I spew,
Only hurt within truth,

As we are torn in two.

Her lips,
Are mine.
Her eyes,
Sublime.

I think of her all the time.

She listens to my voice,
Her smile,
So nice.

But to my surprise,
She laughs with another.

My heart
Is torn,
Pushed down in the gutter.

Sharing happiness with others,
Is beyond my advice.
As this rachet jealousy
Is burning like spice.

But one can only learn,
For she knows I am right.

My new lover,
He treats me well.
Highly captivated
By his spell.

Smart and slick,
He mangles my mind.
Though not a lover
Of any kind.

He loves me,
Myself,
And only I.
For I am a trophy
In his deep blue eyes.

Temptations
Of the weak,
I fall to my knees.
He is hard to please,
Though easy to tease.

But my honesty
Has seized,
My words have frozen.
This man is poison,
Numbing my emotion.

As my new lover,
He is unkind.
A cruel robber
Of the heart and mind.

But I am fine,
I truly am.
For all is worth it
To hold his hand.

Our minds are fragile,
As life is a play.
Some break
If let go,
Some break
If thrown away.

I did not know you,
For you changed each day.
You were a victim
Of judgment,
And a bait for prey.

Your presence was cold,
But your
Comfort was soothing.
Your quiet
Yet violent,
And I was
Slowly losing.

As I knew
To you,
I was less than nothing.
How cruel,
But true
That you were
Truly something.

The waiting list has an opening
Here's to new hopes and beginnings.
Will therapy benefit me once again
or will I end up hurt in the end?
There is so much I need to fix
and so much to come to terms with.
I never noticed,
and because of me the one who was closest
no longer is.
Why did things have to turn out the way they did?
It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again.
There is nothing like having a friend
who you feel so connected with
But when I pick through my nostalgia
I'm left to wonder where the connection is
What do I really know about you?
What was true?
Where did things start to go bad?
The exchanging of passwords I think.
I think that's where it began.
After I saw the things you had said
My heart started to turn black.
It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking.
But you were so important to me back then
I will never forget the feeling I had.
I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings
Gotta love growing up with no boundaries
No choices when it came to yes or no
I got hit if I contemplated it
Came to write poems on the internet
And would be groomed by countless men
Think I was in love because of things they said
But I was eleven and they were gross
I played games with you and laughed
Then I'd cry to men I didn't know
In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult
Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids
At least for this girl it was
I'd word ***** so much
Honestly I never stopped
Validation is a drug stronger than any other
I love to feel like I matter
Especially when I care about the person too
I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind.
Whenever I was with you I was high
Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard
When I'd see you making plans with others
I always wondered why we couldn't call
Why it was awkward to play games after all
The time that passed between us
I think you knew way before I did
Just how toxic I was
Another guy and I broke up
My insecurities told me you thought I was a ****
A new relationship and I was gone
I don't think we spoke for months
This relationship is different
I think I'm actually in love
I debated infatuation since learning what it was
I wanted to talk to you about it
Eventually I did
I smothered you and hated when I couldn't
Months go by, I'm still word vomiting
You try to set boundaries
I still can't read the messages without crying
I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead
I ignored you and you distanced
It felt like you had passed away.
I try to say hi and it's so awkward
I wished I would die
You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly
I tell you everything I had been holding in
You disappear from my inbox and I cry
This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend
Left to wonder why I do this
The counselor on the line says enmeshment
And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour.
Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser.
Wait list, wait list full, wait list
Months pass
You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either.
I sent nothing.
I'm a bad friend.
New job, New accounts, New acquaintances
I still think of you but only cry on the drive home
Sun sets are pretty
I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky
I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes
It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me
I can live without you and you without me.
You reached out and I crumbled again
I told you about my 988 experience
Why do I do this
I have an episode
I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
But I'm off the therapy wait list.

When the hate  she expressed
Was in honesty’s name,
When she doubled down on lies,
Her excuse was the same.
I was there with my finger,
On the pulse and the blame,
But I am not cruel,
And she is not your shame.

That night you tried more,
Smoking, late, on the bed,
And the things you had done,
Were just as she’d said,
When the ashtray came down,
It was inches from your head.
But,
When Fall came and went,
You two were still wed.

You were not promised wealth,
Not one measure of fame,
You said life wasn’t fair,
Because you see it as a game.
Now, the last time we’d speak,
You’d be cursing my name,
But,
I am not cruel.
You will never be the same.

Love is blind, and it knows only to see what is kind.
Give me some time.
And to self, I shall convince,
toxicity was the love language of my prince...

The night I spoke a charm and you collapsed,
The seas were burning bright to seize the storm.
My love was thrown into the ground of lust;
It was exhumed as soon as it was born.

The boomerang came back and hit my face;
Went all around, and saw the street of darkness.
It has become a sort of race and chase,
In which the only one to judge is Madness.

I threw it back again in hopes of change;
The wind blew back and forth but never Right.
As blue skies grew into a twisted cage,
The vicious cycle left its mark tonight.

And months pass by, so I am here to heal,
By writing on this sheet as true as steel.

it was the frustration.
the frustration caused by
your arbitrary outbursts of anger,
whilst vomiting words of resentment and regret.
words that melted into my veins,
tarnishing my blood
with the ink that fueled my writers hand.

the dependency and obligations that i had to be yours,
and yours only.
the suffocation entrapped me
              (((inside of a cage)))
                       so small.
once i finally remembered,
"i could spread my wings."
i realized your latch couldn't hold me captive.

the salty tears that endlessly
stained my cheeks,
swelled my eyes,
and shortened my breath.
the emotions, the motions,
my body was speaking to me.
i was finally able to listen.

the intensity of emotions
without regard for
                           emotional intelligence.
it never made for a successful relationship,
but it sure as hell made for a good story.

our love ended at the cost of many cons,
but it came with a recipe for beautiful prose.