My friend, I love you

I'm not in love with you, just to be clear. 
It's not so much
in the way that you walk,
or the way that you talk.
Or even the way your long hair
is always just so.
Or your smile.
Or your warmth.

I remember the way that I used to be. 
Quiet. 
Unsure. 
Afraid. 
Naive. 

But you pulled me away,
made me see that I could be more -
would be more, beside you.

I remember your birthday
at your family's restaurant.
I knew I'd already
ruined the night for myself,
but you found me
where I stood alone in the street...
and the silence softened.
You asked me if I wanted to dance.
I said no, it was already too late,
the damage was done...
but I wanted to say yes.

****, I wanted to say yes.

You're the one who listens to me,
who doesn't assume
I'll always say no thankyou.
I'd had "friends" like that before,
They made me believe
that I wasn't enough, just as I am.
But you...you believe that I am.

Now? I’d say yes.
No hesitation.
With you, the nerves quiet down.
I don’t feel like I have to hide.
It just feels safe.
Like I can dance without thinking,
and not be afraid of being seen.

But I've worried, even now.
Am I doing enough?
Do I check in, when it matters?
Am I still enough as I am?
You are a ******* gem, and all I want
is for you to sparkle.

I see how you are with others.
Lighter 
Laughing 
The way it skims the air,
untouched by my knowing.
I look at you and I wonder,
could I be like that?
Do I even want to?
I know my energy is quiet and subtle,
yet you meet me there and reflect it...
but is what we have enough for us?

This could all just be in my head.
I know I'm a worrier.
But I think you know
how much you mean to me. 

I'll never say it. 
I can't. 
Not out loud, anyway. 
But I can manage a birthday card
and a felt frame of a tabby cat
who looks like Julia.
The words flow easier that way.
And so I write it here too.

I really, platonically love you.
My squish. 
My gem. 
I love you.