Hey, would you like to know a secret?

It slits and stings and scorches the tip of my tongue
A scalpel painted with a sickening slice of hope
Of I know you used to
And I said I used to
But I meant I still do

My heart— no head still throbs
Thuds like the tapping of your fingers against the table

Your fingers
Light and floating and still too far
Flying too fast

My head
Heavy and sinking and still too close, to me
Still too close, to you
Still too close, to every synonym of unecessary
Still, too close, to my heart

Do you want to hear my secret?

My head throbs because of you,
No, not because of you, because of me
Because of confusion as to why
My mind is able to solve math equations that I hate
If I try hard enough

But for some reason my mind can't solve the question
Of why it keeps flitting back to you
Even if I try to will it away
And always to you
I have a million other things to do
And somehow you're always still the first priority

My head throbs because it doesn't understand
Because I don't understand
How is it then when you're vulnerable
And ask an "are you free to talk?"
The truth is no
I'm really not
Yet yes is the only word running through my head

Somehow
You always come first
I find that strange considering how the most you've ever thought about me is probably the second best thing

Here is my secret

I am sick of this
I am sick of you
But somehow your laughter is the antidote
It is the vaccine
The dosage I get daily

But eventually
It starts being less effective
Because I hear
Her laughter
In yours

And the more I get to know you
I feel like I'm just getting to know her
You say the same phrases
And so many things that you do
Are just so her
She's so thoroughly embedded into everything you do
It's almost impossible to separate the two of you

And I am sick
Of this
And I am sick
Of you

And how you say you used to
And how I say I used to
And how I still mean
I still do

How I wish I can tell you,
What I really feel,

I miss you so bad,
But I know you didn't care,
And that's breaks my heart,

When will be the time,
That you would like me back?

Chasing on you, is just like chasing
The rainbow in the sky,

But as long as my heart only beats for you,
I will never get tired,
Of loving you from a far,

mukha mo’y paulit-ulit na inaalala,
kasabay ng paulit-ulit kong pagluha,
mata ko’y pasulyap-sulyap,
ikaw ang palaging hinahanap-hanap.

tuluyan na akong nalunod,
at tuluyan na akong inanod,
sa aking bawat pagtingin,
bumubugso ang aking damdamin.

sa oras ng iyong paglingon,
tila naguluhan ako sa sitwasyon,
ang lahat ba ng akala ko ay umaayon?
mahal mo na ba ako ngayon?

sa iyong paglakad, ako’y napatagilid,
sa aking mata’y may luhang nangingilid,
sapagkat sa iba ka lumapit,
at heto ako, tiniis na lamang ang nadaramang sakit.

i used to think that there wasn't a sight more beautiful
than the sun embracing the sky
or the waves kissing the shore

until i saw him smile
and laugh
genuinely
the dimples in his cheeks
the crinkles by his eyes
his body moving along with his laughter

how lovely it would be
if he could laugh
and smile
like that every day

and i know this is selfish of me to ask
but if only she saw him like how he sees her
then perhaps i could see
that beautiful sight
one more time

he knows that i noticed
of his love
for her
i became a bridge of some sort
a connection
an outlet to vent to

i became all his unsent texts
all the unsaved draft emails
all the crumpled love letters buried at the bottom of his bin

and somewhere along the way
i became a friend
a source of comfort
warmth
and just as he opened his heart to mine

i did too

at least that's how it was for a little while