Last week, on a particularly dark Sunday;
With only a permit between me and eternity;
I exhaled and it was gone.
Gone was the hurt and anger and pain
Gone was self-doubt and anguish and fear
Gone was the guilt and regret and self hate
Because gone was me
Not my body, or my mind
Not my love or appreciation
Those were expanded, exponentially.
No I literally mean me.
The guy driving, the pilot
The Great and Powerful Oz,
I pulled back the curtain
and no one was there.
And I was absolutely ecstatic
In a rush of pure love
The talking head exploded
and a butterfly took flight
"I think he's really gone this time"
Good riddance.

There's a weight in my chest
burdening every breath
I take

a set of words
that I don't really care about
but they pollute my body

Words I can't let go
but need to be said
I need to take the risk

for the consequences I can accept
I don't need you
if you think I'm a sin

I don't need you
you don't encourage me
you burden me

just like these words
I don't care about
but I know you do

but if I let them go
I save myself
and will have to deal with freedom from you

As the minutes tick by
Languidly
Seconds taking hours
To reach their goal
I ask myself
Is he here?!

Standing alone in a sea full of faces
Seeking
People turning from my
Penetrating gaze
And I ask myself
Is he here?!

Eyes closing, inwardly searching
Breathing
Thwarting the **** of noise
Head against the wall
And I tell myself
He   is   here!

The countdown begins

Ten, nine, eight
Eyes open

Seven, six, five
Mind uncloaked

Four, three, two
Red wine smile plastered on

One ....
Go!

A quick prayer
No!

I do not care
He   is   not   here

Raising glasses, toasting in
The New Year
With new hopes and dreams
Untrodden - unbroken
I ask myself
Am I here?

The universe opens its arms
Embracing
Asking for wishes
Promising fulfilment,
And I ask myself
Am I here?

The old year is gone - mine to
Forget
I kiss it farewell
With no regret
And I tell myself
I      am     here!

And here               And here

                 Forever

                               Here


(C) Pixievic 2016