Today is my 60th birthday.
For milestone birthdays in the past, I used to leave the country from time to time.
At my 30th I went to Israel,
At my 50th Brazil,
And now, I can’t even leave my house.
I could have spent $100m and had myself shot into space
Though with Lily going to college in the fall,
Spending that money on anything else right now wouldn’t be wise.
Adventure is now defined as going to the supermarket.
Living dangerously would be doing that without a mask and gloves.
Though I’ve reached the age when I can now go at 6 AM
The modern equivalent of putting me out on an ice flow
Or an alternate to adult day care.
All for the sake of making my Neanderthal ancestors proud of
My Hunting and gathering skills.
I’d like to say ‘next year in Jerusalem’
But I’d really like to get to tomorrow first.
Ahem.

A Neanderthal pointed to a stone, and said, "Oomph."
The others stared at him.

After a time,
another pointed at the same stone, and said "Oomph."
Then another, and another, and soon the entire cave,
was resonating with Oomphs!

"Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!
Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!
Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!"

A young smart aleck Neanderthal,
then stood up, and pointed outside the cave,
to a big rock, and said, "Oomph."

An instant silence: a silence so still
you can hear a bat **** dropped.

After a time,
with a thunderous roar the inventor Neanderthal
rushed the young Neanderthal
out of the cave, and bashed his head against the rock
killing him in one blow.

The entire cave erupted:

"Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!
Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!
Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!"

And that's the etymology
of their war cry;
And it was also how
their religion was born.

"Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!
Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!
Oomph Oomph Oomph! Oomph!"

There was an orange caveman
Who made himself a fancy home.
It was as glitzy as he could make it
Using gold and fancy stones.
He had enough wealth to
Employ many starving slaves.
He fed them as seldom as he could
**** near from womb to grave.

When he took folks to the top
Of his ostentatious dwelling,
You could swear within minutes
You could hear his ego swelling.
He had the softest of couches
And lookouts over the land.
He did his level best to be sure
His caveman home was grand.

His slaves would prepare for him
The most lavish of repasts
And guests were encouraged
To dig in as long as it lasts.
But at end of day all must
Get the hell out of there.
He always had a new young wife
And he didn't like to share.

But, somewhere along the tour
He would keep some internal pledge
And take you up to the top
And point out a jutting ledge.
He would comment on it's proximity
To his bed for the middle of the night.
He explained it was his privy
Quite handy from this lofty height.

He said only whites could use it,
He was quite stubborn about that.
Because the good people in life
Must be careful where they sat.
But he laughed at those below
And made no attempt to hedge.
He enjoyed the idea of their fate
And what comes from the white privy ledge.

The Neanderthal
Stalks his prey, in tall grass, fails,
He relieves himself