Content in madness
Serene in insanity
Happy in my own brand of delusional apathy

Should I be locked away?
Doesn't matter to me
Put me in a padded cell and throw away the key

I can be crazy
Sedate me
Medicate me
Put me to sleep

Leave me
Bereave me
Keep my memory

Remember me when I was sane
Before my brain went absent without leave

Why does my mind
race
without running shoes
to exhaust the
thought of
over-thinking?

You don’t want to die.
No.
You want happiness.

You want to wake up in the morning feeling alive with each breath that comes easily and weightless; You just want stop feeling like this is a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

The possibility of happiness manipulates you into thinking you can have it then, inconveniently at the most in opportune time reminds you that happiness is just not something you can have no matter how deep the yearning you have to submerge yourself in it; happiness is there, all around yet just out of reach so that you can see but never manage to have it.

You’re hopeless, alone in a cold darkness that suffocates you, leaving you breathless and isolated from others by past wounds that wont heal.

At times you’re overwhelmed, like a deer in headlights you can’t move; feeling paralyzed not knowing what to do, say, think, should you sit? Waiting until you “unfreeze”
you’re frozen in an attempt to pullaway from an invisible hand that has a tight grasp of your upper arm. Eventually it releases its hold allowing you to move once more leaving you to now wondering, lost on what to do .

Sometimes you’re trying to find reason to live, more reasons than your kids. If it weren’t for the kids you wouldn’t be here. You have tried so many times. But are left to fight for yourself. You’re all you can depend on in the end. Whenever that will be.

I have been to the depths of madness,
Yet I haven't lost my sanity.
I cling onto it like a mother
clings to her child's dead body.
I have seen my worst selves resurrect and being crucified
Under the weight of all my sins.
Yet, I have never willingly committed a crime.
Like the wooden dock at a port that holds all ships
from sinking to the wrath of the ocean currents,
I have harboured my evil
deep within me
With great power and diligence.
It's a quiet storm raging inside me.
My insanity threatens to spill out
to the edges of my constraints,
blurring the sight of blood on my hands.
For a tiny moment, my smile changed
giving way to something sinister lurking
in my soul.
And then it was gone like a fleeting wind
moving swiftly to a distant land.
But the wind has seen my self inflicted wounds,
She whispers the truth, she knows me truly that
I am a bigger omen than the crows and the raven.
Two tides clash fighting for control.
Day and night juxtaposed in a singular skin.
All hell is beginning to break loose.
The more I try to mend myself,
the harder the waves rock my ship.
The more I try to breathe,
the more the air begins to drown me.
In order to silence my cries,
it pushes me to a gentle hush.
Silence has never been this loud.
My insanity has never been this dangerous.

Grief-stricken, I clawed my way from the roots of the earth,
The cadence of my thoughts slowed, a murmur in the hush.
How strange—the absence of absence, the hollow space where shadows
Once drifted like smoke, now filled with an uneasy light.
Relief woven with a longing I can’t quite shake.

I was held captive, a willing prisoner of the gloom,
Addicted to its weight, to the darkness like a drug.
It wrapped around me, a cold and familiar lullaby—
Or was I the one who fed it, needing its grip to feel alive?

Now that it’s gone, I miss it from time to time,
My truest form of love—why did you leave me here,
To navigate this world of light that feels sharp and unkind?
Your absence lingers, a void I struggle to fill.

“What about me?” it whispers, lingering like a half-remembered song.
I crave that dark familiarity, though I know I shouldn’t—
It’s the chill beneath my skin, a weight that kept me anchored,
A presence I knew too well, even as it smothered me.