My mom was in Guatemala, my dad had left before I had grown. The only one in the house besides me was my grandma who never did peep nor moan.

My big lil brother was living with our father and my younger sister was somewhere I don't know.

So what's one to do at 16 when you know they're all away for at least another 10 days?  Socal in those years especially for me was a 24hr. pharmaceutical playground..so what's one to do?  Let's play!

rainbow buttons trickle down your back,
perfectly aligned along your spine,
and you darken as I go deeper

you fade from bright yellow,
bright orange, florescent green
to deep, burning red as you
move closer to me

everything more numb than it's ever been,
but amplified as hot and cold take turns
washing over my arms and eyelids

I don't recall where our clothes went or when they did,
or what day of the week it is,
but I do know what happens when I run
my finger tips up your back and back down

you melt into my arms and then between
my thighs and I
never
want you to leave

and for a moment I understand addiction,
for two moments I dwell on it as I watch the
ceiling fold into itself over and over, infinitely
and then it's back to your eyes

reminding myself not to apologize
for the seeming eternity I wasn't looking at you
because it was only a second or two
... only a second or two, right?

sure, move on
move to your hand all of a sudden around my throat
I fly further into space the tighter your grip becomes
and next thing I know I'm sternly being reminded
to breathe
because surely, I would have forgotten

For some reason I felt compelled to share with others, strangers I guess, I never met them.
Strangers then. Compelled to share with them you. To prove to people who never knew us that I loved you. That we were lovers.
I wonder if I harp on that word too often. Bet I do.

I do.

I connected the misery of your loss into The Antlers - Hospice.
In some cowardly preoccupation with signaling the virtues of  a luminous man I pretended in due process. Much of me as you must understand.

You were a woman and a girl.
And I forced myself under to suffer in some actual mourning.
So a world built on my word.
My hands need rest.
My mind needs rest.
I want to stop.

I'd swallow a breathful of Plath-itudes.
If it'd quieten the lore of some rolling hill of you.
Somewhere scrawled in a red oak desk,
Borders and plyings a mess.

I likened you to a spectre.
For a literal in lieu

Why can't I let up off myself.
Why won't I accept love.

You are the woman protagonist in a fiction
And only your performance merits applause.

Long before “inside” was invented
We were animals
Breathe, roar as one

I walk around like an old man Thanks to a bad back and mirrors

I don’t pay attention to ceilings

I don’t know millions of things

But mankind will label time and space to be productive I suppose

If Color brings context
I am blind
And don’t know what pictures are

Geometry and canvas
I can’t believe it’s not paper

Bring the tribes back with you

Drinks turn to drinks, turn to drinks, turn to drinks,
Turn to acidic love,
Eviscerating my sight with technicolour,
An extraordinary hallucinatory rush,
Holding hands or laying in laps,
Falling into ribs or the booming bass of summer hits,
Rising and soaring then crashing into loops,
Of thought,
Falling into ribs or the booming bass of summer hits,
Falling into loops of thought,
Falling in love,
Texting my friends, feeling unsure if I’m thinking or talking,
Words on the screen convey the words in my head,
That’s mad,
The blinding light of a children show whirls,
I think I know my type,
I hope she kisses me,
I need to get out of this situation,
What about drawing?
Or music?
Or sit in silence for 45 minutes flat,
Or watch X2: X-Men United,
Stuck in loops,
Time has passed,
One sudden snap,
And it’s ******* awful,
Coming down,
Hold on and go to work,
Really good, I’ll try it next week,
And although I should know better; it all felt so magical and real,
I fell in love a little bit,
And lost myself a little more

I imagine colored dye
Floating through my brain
Showing the inconsistent chemicals
The lack of even concentration
A dose of something unexpected
And my eyes turn round like saucers
I feel everything so intensely
I can understand the inner-workings
Of the feelings I never understood
My obsession with lost love
Finally whispered it's truth
I do not regret where I am today
I simply miss feeling the happiness
That accompanies the memories that haunt me
I must come to terms with the fact
That happiness will return to me
If I stop hanging onto the past
And embrace the beauty of the unknown
That will bring me more happiness
Until then
I will allow myself to connect with myself
No judgement
No fear
No regrets
Just acceptance and
No expectations