my brain bleeds for him
the thoughts of him stabbing my mind
creating cracks of light within the carefully
maintained façade

and i let it happen

my love for you, my friend
becomes incarnate like our lord
where he, doing miracles,
opens our hearts and quakes the foundation

my love for you, like his love
for us, opens my heart to your ethereal beauty
and quakes the very foundation of my self

i take thee, my friend, to be my will

Tomorrow needs you .
You don’t know what seeds
you will miss out on seeing grow.
You already planted them so,
you
might as well live another day.

See what sprouts pop up in the
warmth of the sun.
Tell me, are you having fun now?

It’s just the way life goes.
So, please stay a few more days.
A few more always leads to
A few more.

i sit by the window watching the sun
go down into the horizon, tasting his tongue
on my breath, sweet and sickening like
fruit pastilles or a persimmon, homelike

it reminds me of my future with him
it reminds me of my past without him
all those years wasted not knowing
my love would meet me in that

dead end old school, where hate is bred
and stupidity is taught in what students read
they don’t know anything about life
about love, religion, repentance, longing

for his eyes, his speckled face glistening
in the late-afternoon sunlight listening
to my ramblings about this or that
sometimes his finger pit-pats

on the desk where i first found myself
a sea of endless pain and anguish rescued
by my foolish love, another pointless beckoning
quenched by lack of reckoning

i sit by my window
waiting for him

I’ve always said that I lack self-control
Can’t make a horse stop to drink
Can't get my thoughts complete
No matter how much I think

I try to think my morality is a compass, but I’m scared,
That this is only true if someone needs me
To navigate, I don't know where I’m going
So what good is a compass to me? I don't want

To go places, I just want to go
With people, and if I can be with people
I’ll think of myself a guide, a mentor, a helper.
But riding on the whims of others is no form

Of Discipline, the kind our parents gave us
Wasn't real because discipline isn't something
Given its something found inside yourself,
And I’m still searching because Im weak

To my own desires as I am to others
And I’m even weaker still to you
I didn't even need to be with people
When I could be with you, it scared me.

I’m a Grandfather clock floating off the seaside
And every hour on the hour thoughts of you bang
Through my head like piano notes, starting few
In the afternoon, Ring, Ring-Ringg, Ring-Ringg-Ringgg

You sound in my mind a dozen times every midnight
And while I flow above this Green Sea, I see a light-
House, Shining Pink-Orange at me, but theres a gray
Fog between us, not gray ash, but blue-gray, like Chartreux

I checked your spotify today, I'm sure you can tell,
One of the bangs told me to, and we both know
How well I say no, But i'm glad it did, because it
Let me know, that you feel the gray too, and maybe Pink-Orange as well?

I think he's there but
I can't be sure.
Can anyone be sure

Of themselves,
Or can they
Just lie convincingly

Next to one another,
Two boys lay on their chests
Fingers blooming out towards

The Others. No contact
Their heads averted
They lie, as mirrored angels

Unshifting, so they don't spill blood
From their backs
On the snow

It's easier to be near someone
If you don't have to look.
You don't have to feel

Blue snow on your wound
Or red hands in yours
Or the relief that feels red-black

Like the color of your eyelids.
closing my eyes
And looking makes me feel

The closest I can to seeing inside
My mind, and it's all bouncing dots
And swirling pink-blue-red-black-white.

I want to be a flower
Because they don't have eyes
To close. I want to be a flower

Because they need only be open
To the sky, and the sky loves them.
The sky rains when they are closed and

When they are blooming, the sky
Shines light through their petals
And says,

I love the way you glow.

Naming our first cat
Raising our first kid
Our garden, our flowers
I love the sound of Ours.
Did
you know it? The night we
met, that
you might
see me
like this? I didn’t that night.

He got a new computer on August 18, 2023,
In the blue light, in his room, the first thing he did
He messaged a boy, said he wanted to see him,
He loved a boy, and he wanted to see him.

The word hate appeared
197 times in their messages since
Aug 18, 2023 at 5:18 AM
125 of those were the word “whatever”

“i’m down for whatevs i jus wanna see uouuu”,
“ I will Fr see you tomorrow by whatever means necessary”,
“Whatever you’re comfortable with tho Fr”,
“They can think whatever they want I love you”,

“Whatever your heart desires Fr, this is your last semester of
highschool ever so you really just want to be happy with it”,
“I will do whatever I can to support you”,
“whatever works for you my love”,

Hates, hate, and hated: 66 results
I hate you: 0 results
I thought it beautiful, that when searching for
Hate, so much love was found instead.

Of the 465 days from when he bought his
Computer, we only get to peer, at one facet
Of their lives, one snippet of time.  A historians tragedy
To have something like this, and know it

Shows so much, but not enough. Of the 465 days
These boys sent 412 Goodnight messages,
and 290 good morning ones. Two people in love
Think about each other all the time, but few

Take the time to say it-
Thinking about you: 207 results
I miss you: 335 Results
Why is love often felt strongest in absence,

Why are words always longer in the past tense?
Out of 465 days, on one form of communication
Results for “I love you” were well over 1000.
Searching for “love” made the computer he bought crash.