I used to hide your name
In my line breaks -
When you left town,
I reached out through
Smokescreens and similes.
I used to hide my secret,
Placed it delicately
Within my pining,
A secret only sapphics
Would decipher -
When I wrote about flowers,
I was describing the way the breeze
Caught each strand of your hair
In the sun's gaze;
When I went on about the wind,
It was an attempt to capture
Your scent
Mixed with the ocean breeze
That one week you
Went away with me.

Teasing and testing me,
You let clear water ripple
Around your naked form,
In front of me for the first time.
Your whispers sent shivers
Through my shoulders,
Years spent yearning enough
To override my senses.
There were no tide pools
Deep enough to prepare me
For your beauty as the moon
Threw shadows across your face;
I wish I had been brave enough
To dive straight in back then.
A few years and states away;
The months blur together now,
The moon cycles shifting
Seemingly faster every time.
I wonder if you dare
Ask yourself, what if?
When you see her,
Full and bright above you.

tangerine cider tickles my tongue
ultraviolet undulates on the blacktop,
a summer wave of a mistaken mirage
falsified, yet ever-so-present

i could've sworn it was tangible
the taste of your lips i've forgotten
some of the memories have dissipated
brown hair trickles along my earlobes
chocolate caresses my cheek
eyes stay peeled on me

i changed

my skin has sunken with calories
and my lips have cracked unwillingly
i watch tires swerving by
and ponder the progress i've made

yet i can't seem to wonder
if i've forgotten a piece of me
as i searched for what i'd lost,
for what you had stolen,
to no avail

how can i forgive someone
i can't even fathom to respect

empathy is a blessing to others
but a curse residing within

unforeseen laughter tickles my tongue
ultraviolet undulates against your desktop,
a newcomer waves to your own entourage
falsified, yet ever-so-present

i had a kind face, and the kind of smile
only a brother could love
and read beyond the teeth,
biting back bitter amusements
of a broken, brooding boy

you were mine; not in blood but in love,
and we were too small and too young
with too much and not enough
of everything.

brother.
“brother”
bromance.
the lie of the year,
and we had many.

i had chronic denial and you had chronic rejection.
if we said we saw ourselves as siblings,
it would all go away.
my brother from another mother
not a brother at all, but a lie
the hidden gay.

i had a kind face, but you were kind
and i wanted to be that
for you, a light against the shadowy history
the trajectory from ruin to wholeheartedness

you were already wholehearted,
and wholeheartedly in.
brother, i ruined you by calling you brother
with my fear of our friendship: the trajectory from friends to more

now everything between us is gone
and it still feels rather sore
even though i don’t love you anymore