"How are you doing?"
those words pierced through my coat
bypassing the buttons that I didn't notice were open
until he spoke them
How I froze words intended to warm
into a pointed intrusion meant to warn
me of my icy exterior
It jabbed at my heart like icicles
pressed into the wound that throbbed and pulsed
He maintained eye contact when he asked
and my eyes were wide
with weariness I couldn't truly hide
but I could disguise
"I'm doing well and you?"
I replied to the man holding a stop-sign
my voice pleasant like springtime
when the wind rustled green-leafed trees
during the early sunrise
and the morning doves sang a sweet melody
covering up my shivering heart
"I'm doing good," he said
and nodded his head
in response to my quiet 'thank you'
he waited until I crossed the small street
eyes at my back, tracking my slow, steady steps
and when I got to the other side
I paused for my crossing guard said one more thing
"I hope you have a good day!"
and I said with a smile too bright, "You too,"
and went on my way
marching through the bright, winter day
hoping that this road would just take me away
Just take me away
©Tatiana
Here is a quickly written poem about a terrible decision I made in January of this year. I went for a walk instead of going to work. I went for a walk because I felt if I stopped moving, if I got behind the wheel of a car, I would do something drastic. And during this walk, I had this interaction described in the poem with a crossing guard. A simple, normal conversation. And it hurt so much to have it.
I'm doing a lot better now than I was in January. I started therapy and even did some group therapy as well which was really helpful. For the first time in my life I truly felt understood by others. I could see that people cared.
I'm still struggling a bit. With the pandemic that is going on it has ruined the routine I created for myself so I need to develop a new one. I hope everyone is doing their best to stay healthy and practicing social distancing. We will get through this.
One more thing, I haven't really been posting on here due to the above mental health struggles/getting help for it, but I also haven't been posting because I've been writing poetry. Which sounds odd. What I mean is that I have enough poems to create a collection. So be on the lookout for that in the future and I will give updates as they come.
Stay healthy and safe out there!
-Tatiana
