You said there are two people inside of you. One that loves him, and the other one that wants to keep me, as your best friend, as a lover, as a secret.
You didn't speak of me to anyone, you formed fairy tales and mystical lands in your mind, and carved an imaginary place in your heart for me. And even though I spent every second of my time there, loving to be your fictional muse, being happy with just being together in a fairy tale, you were happier with somebody else in the real world.
When I seek you from inside the looking glass, I feel sad each time, because I see people outside who are happier with someone, and then I see you, happier with him. Sometimes I see your smile, and I'm fine, nobody will be happier than me. Then I see your hand in his, and tears fall, even though I know you're happy, but somewhere I will never be completely, not without you. You never see, this bunny also loves you back, and he wants to hold your hand and take you on adventures too. You never see that he is crying, he yearns for you.
When your man pushes you away or suddenly the weight of the world becomes heavier, you jump back inside the rabbit hole. You find me in our secret chamber, and I shout and scream when I see you there. Not because I don't want you here but because I hate why you had to come back so late.
But then I quickly throw away my anger and you manage to turn my frown upside down and we go, away on our adventures. We go, away to a place in the fields where you love me back too. And I don't want to leave that place. I don't want to leave. But you always have to go. Back to reality. And I don't say a word.
You say we're best friends and you'll always come back, that You'll always have me in your heart. And I look away because I can't show you my tears. All I want to tell you is that, I'll always have you in mine too, but the only difference is I have nobody else, but you.
And you go, and I stay, because this is my home, the place where you and I belong together. But you leave me alone, and I have to fall asleep. Because I don't know how to have fun alone, I don't know how to go on adventures without you. I tried, I was able to explore other spaces and sounds, but I never was happy, because I always wanted you around.
Sometimes I grow tired, sitting here waiting alone. I climb up the hole you dug, and enter the real world, and chase every nook and cranny to find you. And sometimes I manage to give you a surprise, sometimes I manage to take you back. But sometimes you shut the door on me, sometimes you don't want to be anywhere near me. Sometimes you act like I'm a plague, you pretend I'm just a stranger, and shoo me away.
Sometimes, I weep and quietly go away. And you come back and never say sorry, but I know you are, I know you care because you came.
But sometimes it feels too much, and then one day, one moment i got too selfish, I wreaked havoc in your real world, I was that upset. I went crazy, because isn't that life without you, a handful of insanity? The crazy rabbit. Don't believe him, you tell everybody. "He is just making up stories." What do you expect me to do? I cry and go back home. I have nothing to prove to the world; how do I tell them, you're my friend, when you can't even tell that to your close ones sometimes. How do I prove to people you love me too, when you can't even tell that to yourself sometimes.
And yes, for a moment I got selfish. For a moment I wanted your world to crumble. But you see the anger for a moment and say I'm evil, you don't see the sadness when you're not there, you don't see the care when you used to come back hurt.
Now you don't want to come back anymore because you are scared of me. But is it okay, you can be selfish all the time, and I got scared of losing you, tried to cause the damage, only for a while?
I'm been hoarding "I'm sorry" signs next to every street you pass through, but you ignore them like they were never meant for you. You think I'm not sorry, because friends don't hurt friends, right? But I didn't mean to hurt you. Hurricanes don't know they hurt people, and I was just rain.
And now I've flooded my own place, and I can't go anywhere from here. I'm screaming, come back, because you're sunshine. You make this place come alive. Don't you see, there were only thunderstorms here since you last left? But oh, how would you? You did not even dare to come back.
I miss you now, I need you now. I'm sorry. Even though I said it a million times, I'll still say it again and again. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. Please don't hurt me like I hurt you. I just lost my sense once, please don't punish me repeatedly. Come back Alice. Come back, come back.
I love you.
this isn't a poem, it's just words flowing out of me. i am not much of a poet, but i didn't know how else to write this. :(
