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Alan S Bailey Nov 2020
To the tune of the song "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel

Verse 1
Hello toilet, my old friend
I've come to **** in you again
I've been waiting for a great while
This time I'm going the ex-tra mile
With a force that few have ever known
Will power alone
I'm taking...the ****...GINORMOUS

Verse 2
In struggling feels I might pass out
There is much sweat upon my brows
And a straining-pushing as such
Upon a mountain where lightning struck
Where I felt the challenge
Seemed beyond my strength
What it might take
Attempting...the ****...GINORMOUS

Verse 3
And in the end I can now feel
This force of nature makes me reel
Pushing a boulder that may not pass
Pushing a stone with such great mass
Making a log of the greatest immense size
Yes-in all my life
As this was...the ****...GINORMOUS

Verse 4
By my word-I feel-that this is it
Upon this toilet throne I sit
Feeling like an explosion from inside
With no place in my mind left to hide
And the size-like a moose now giving birth
The enormous ****...GINORMOUS

Verse 5
And my goal it now seems in sight
I give it all with all my might
In a strange vision this very moment
As this an unreal bowel movement
And soon I feel:
Like the clear shaking in the earth
That as making n' breaking waves
I'm stunned and dazed
From taking...the ****...GINORMOUS
(Sang to the tune of "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel)
I own nothing. Enjoy!
...well, nothing accept the world 'size of **** taken' record.
MisfitOfSociety Nov 2020
This is going to sound crazy,
But...

I think I saw an alien yesterday.

I was kissing my wife when all of a sudden she changed form in front of me.
She was looking like a grey, scaly Asian grandma with Kardasian lips and eyes as black as holes.
Not only are the aliens infiltrating our governments but they are infiltrating my love life as well.

The reptilian leaned in, speaking without words.
Like it was talking in my thoughts.
He reached out to me,
And we ascended into his flaming Dorito in the sky.

We went from 0 to 300,000 miles per hour in the split of a second.
I think I saw a military pilot as we were passing by.
He tried to catch us, but we escaped in the blink of an eye.

Angel?
Extra-terrestrial?
Visitor from the Zeta Reticuli?
Or perhaps something inter dimension?

He took me to meet his family,
They had a message for me.
They were the ones who gave rise to humanity.
They think our fear of death is kinda funny.

They were so welcoming,
All about peace, love and understanding.
They do not understand war,
They don’t understand us at all.

I woke up the next morning back in my bed.
I can’t remember what happened,
I think they put something in my head.
My great grandmother thinks I was abducted.

I’m!

Not!

Crazy!

But the media would have you believe I am.
They twist my words to make them sound insane.

It wasn’t a man in a rubber suit.
Please believe what I say.
You believe me don’t you?
It was a mother ******* Roswell Grey.

I’m!

Not!

Insane!

But since It was not on the tv.
It’s not welcome in your reality?

Go ahead and ridicule me,
Try and keep me quiet.
But I know what I saw,
And I will never deny it.

We’re not alone.
We share a home,
With another life form.
They’ve been here for a very long time.

Is there life out there?
I want to believe.
Beam me up, Scotty.
I want to leave.
MisfitOfSociety Nov 2020
Hey look it’s me.
On the tv!

I’m your burger,
And your drink,
On your coaster,
Then I go down your sink!

I clean your plates,
Wash your car,
And your floors,
And your very hairy *****!

All you have to do is click on me!

Say hello to the man,
On the other side of your phone.
He’s listening in,
On your conversation.

L-shaped couches,
And make up kits!
Brand new cars,
And television sets!

You don’t need this ****,
But you have to have it.

You’re a product.

Advertising on the plane,
On the car.
On the train,
It’s got you on the run!

On the floor,
During sport,
On a walk,
It’s got you on the run!

Everywhere you go,
All you see,
Is a product,
Begging for your money.

You’re not a product.
Turn off the tv.
Randy Johnson Oct 2020
When repo men come to my house, I order my Dobermans to attack.
They take chunks out of their butts and those repo men don't come back.
The finance company wants to repossess their stuff and other repo men are sent.
They're not going to get their stuff back, they should be able to take a hint.
They continue to send other repo men again and again.
They're going to have to stop, they're running out of men.
They want to repossess my car and my furniture as well.
But when my dogs attack the repo men, it hurts like hell.
One of my dogs bit a repo man in the ***** and gave him an instant vasectomy.
I saved him the money to have it done by a doctor and he is grateful to me.
Other repo men will be sent and I'll continue to order my dogs to attack.
Those people should learn that they're not going to get their stuff back.
Randy Johnson Sep 2020
I tied a sausage to my leg and for a short time my ex-girlfriend was fooled.
But she dumped me flat on my *** when she learned her leg was being pulled.
Because she didn't like the deception,
I didn't receive a friendly reception.
She thought that I was well-endowed, that is what she believed.
When she learned the truth, a broken nose was what I received.
She also crammed a lit pack of firecrackers up my *** and it sure did make me jump.
Now it hurts like hell every time I take a dump.
She dumped me even though I decided to get down on my knees and beg.
If you're a man and if you want a girlfriend, don't tie a sausage to your leg.
Fuad Hassan Sep 2020
Half the time i think with my d*ck
And the other half i dont
LJ Sayre Aug 2020
Mouser Messiah,
Came to save all of cat kind,
Had to die nine times.
Isaac Spencer Aug 2020
There's a pit-
      In my soul,
We'll find what might fit,
     Well, that's the goal,
A pound of Grade-A marijuana?
A lil' *****, yes I wanna',
A couple pills for the thrills,
Needles sure give me chills,
I'll try anything for the thrill!
...
But there's still a pit.

Plus, there's a hole-
     In my heart,
What'll make it full?
     Here's the art:
Driving sixty-nine in a thirty-five,
Punching the first person acting snide,
I'll eat my words till I burst,
Drink poison friendships; I feel worse,
And forget this vile, no good, gods-****** curse!
...
But there's still a hole.

And there's an ache,
     In my dome,
Keeping me awake,
     Yet I can't seem to leave it alone,
There's something busted in my head,
I bet I could fix it with some lead,
Or a sharp-as-sin knife,
Oh how Hell hath such tiring strife,
Oh don't, don't, don't, don't tell my wife!
...
But there's still an ache.
Shadow Aug 2020
I feel like I must confess,
I owe it to my readers...

To tell you the truth,
I never really know what to write about,
I could write about a summer day,
Or autumn and it's dismay,
I could paint the colours of spring,
Or the bride who lost her ring,
I could write about the lovelorn youth
Or the pain that laughs can sooth,
I could tell tales about the moon,
Or the serpent behind the dune,
Perhaps I'd write about the sky,
Or about wanting to cry.

In all honesty I don't know what to write about,
I could write about not knowing what to write about,
But I just close my eyes and let the hand write what it will,
I trust the pen,
I trust the hand,
I trust my readers' taste :)
They had us in the first half not gonna lie
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