I feel winter's grasp around the very being of my soul.
It twists and turns with a desperation and tenacity that uncouths my being.
Trying to squeeze out any pulp or sustenance whenever it's convienent.
Although already spoiled and soured and bitter, it must'nt stop for there has to be more.
There's always more to take, even if all the lemons are gone.
Go farther into the roots, tap into the sap that runs along its trunk and branches.
Life has given me lemons so why not take every single one of them for a glass of lemonade?
My leaves turn yellow with fear but I must continue to keep giving.
To keep producing lemons, to keep the leaves green.
For if I can't anymore then what is my use? Where shall I quench my thirst?
The gardener who provides water and shelter shall surely cut down my tree if it no longer provides and only takes space.
But what is a lemon tree to demand such intricacies?

Being told by friends you havent seen in a while that you "look good"  or "look better" right as you are coming out of a long bout of depression just hits your heart different.

Because you as time passes think you're feeling okay, you think you are making progress, you think time is passing normally for you again... but it's hard to remember what is or was normal when you grew so used to feeling the way you did. Like coming out of an endless fog...

So to have someone accknowledge they can visibly see your progress... to have someone verbally commend you for... basically choosing to exist as yourself again... those comments just hit different.

There's a sad realization that you really weren't okay and it was noticeable... but there's also this weird sense of pride as you wait for the weight of it all to drag you down again - But it's different now.

There is not a consuming heavy darkness, but a manageable awareness of a shadowy part of yourself that you no longer feel tied to. A part of you that aches less with painful thoughts and bitter disappointment, and more for the light of understanding and rebirth.

And you realize; I did that. I taught myself how to stay aware... to heal... and not allow that dark to take hold again-  

And it is
actually
slowly
paying off.

Yes...
I think I am feeling better.
I am weary, sure-
but I'm okay.
I'm getting there.