What do you want from me?
Borderline personality disorder, why have you chosen me?
Have I not suffered enough in this pitiful life?
All I ask is to have a stable identity and sense of self
But you come creeping into my development and overtake
Labels are nothing
Labels are everything
No in between with anything,
Black and white thinking
Love or hate
Mania or depression
In the span of 5 minutes.
The only constant you allow me to feel is my hatred for you.
Every moment is a swirling vortex of losing hope and
Clinging to anyone who so much as smiles in my direction
But I suppose
When everything is switching
Faster than a traffic light
Because of you.
The thing to be most thankful for
Is to be able to hold onto you.
Borderline personality disorder, why have you chosen me?
My only sense of self, since you change everything else

A wind chime old and rusting on your grandmother’s porch
The song not as clear as it once was
The new tune so softly eerie that to a passerby it seems just fine

Waking up five minutes before your alarm
Sitting on your bed, wide awake
Just watching the time tick pass, minutes of your life
Until you’re past the time to go

In the idle of traffic, you become aware
Of all the movement around you
Babies whine, horns honk, people sing
Yet here you are
What are you doing?
Are you doing anything at all?

Your bed is a coffin, dusty from the days you don’t open it at all
The sunlight is foreign to your eyes
People prance around you, basking in its glory
They don’t even blink at your inability to see the light.

In the cemetery,
Gravestones surround you,
Bodies of the lost and souls of the ******
You can’t help but resonate somewhere deep inside your soul.
Not that you wish to be dead, no.
Just that it seems you already are.

Black pain,
Corrupting me,
Killing me,
Sends,
Me falling down.
The Well
Leading to the greatest of dispare.

STOP

The switch has been flipped.
Sky rocketing, floating high
Happy as can be
Strong
Confident
Successful
Achieving
Loving life

STOP

Then it all comes crashing down.
Jumping from the black to the white
The dark to the light
Wishing I could steady out
Not knowing how long
Either will ever last

my rationality is a house drenched in gasoline --
my emotions are a handful of stricken matches --
i hold them delicately between my fingers,
try to wave out the flames,
blow them out one by one --
but the embers catch on the curtains.
the house goes up in flames;
it burns to the ground;
the ash scars the earth and i can't breathe again --

and why stop there?
why burn down a single house when i'd devour a whole village if you asked?
my emotions can be dynamite; they're a nuclear blast;
set me off and watch the world turn to dust
i'm doing it for you
my flames are engulfing the planet
for you
they're my reactions to the small things;
they're the clench of my jaw when you send short texts,
they're the shaking of my fingers when your shoulders don't curve around mine
the conclusion of my analysis on your body decides whether or not the world will go to sleep in bursts of red and orange

my spine is in a pool at my feet;
my frame has melted and my heart is on the loose
smoke is slithering down my throat
i'm sorry i am the way i am --
i'm sorry i'm clumsy with fire;
i'm sorry this house was built with popsicle sticks;
i'm sorry that it's so easy to watch me burn

"i love you" is hollowing
three words aren't enough for me
(they were until my brain ate them whole. now they echo inside my ears, bounce around until my head has had its fill)
tell me i'm better than the others
tell me you haven't come close to loving another soul the way you love mine
tell me that you weren't functioning
that you were a clock without hands
time flew by in the wrong direction and the numbers on your face were a dead language
until we fell together
and then you started counting in real time and loving every tick of every second

i want you to be aggressive
brand your love into the side of my skull
scar it into my collarbones
make my illness remember

i want you to carve my name into your ******* heart
i want you to grab ahold of my lungs and breathe your love into them
make sure it's the only thing i know
send it flooding through my bloodstream
i need my illness to remember

when i'm like this,
don't tell me you ******* love me
your skin is made of cellophane
i can show you exactly where the lie is coming from
my own head can't take care of me,
how could you?
tell me you'd cut off your hands if they couldn't hold mine
tell me you'd wiggle your way into my ribcage if you could
just so you could be closer to the beat of my heart
tell me you love me and make my illness believe it

an hourglass flipped upside down;
time is ticking;
you're waiting on our expiration date

i can't let you go;
the thought of us rotting apart makes my chest ache and ache and ache;
i'm scratching the numbers off the carton

you stepped into this predicting the end;
we're disposable;
i can be replaced;
i am not worth fighting for;
not worth aching over

you accept the date that haunts me;
and i ache;
inside and out;
i hurt and hurt and hurt;
forever starts and ends with you

i want to smash this hourglass;
let the sand spill into the carpet;
i need the clocks to stop and the world to end its spinning;
i'm hungry for time and hungry for you;
i will devour whatever it takes for you to see that this is more than temporary

there's a hole inside of me /
and it's shaped like you /
it curves around your frame /
it was made for your body only

the lock in my ribcage knew --
a long time before i did --
that you were the only key /
i'm scared that once you've unlocked it /
you'll see why the handle has been dusty for so long /
and you'll shut me right back up /
board up the doors /
and leave me writhing

MY ALPHABET CONSISTS ONLY OF VOWELS /
A, E, I, O, U --
AND SOMETIMES Y.

VOWELS ARE THE MEAT OF ALL MY WORDS /
I WRITE LOVE NOTES THROUGH THE HEFTIEST LETTERS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

A --
A IS FOR ALWAYS /
ALWAYS YOU WILL HAVE ME /
AND I WILL ADMIRE YOU /
ALWAYS

E --
E IS FOR ENOUGH /
EVERYONE MAKES ME FEEL /
EXPENDABLE /
EXCEPT FOR YOU

I --
I IS FOR I /
I DON'T DESERVE YOU /
I DON'T, EVEN IF YOU /
INSIST I DO

O --
O IS FOR ODDITY /
ON THIS PLANE WE SHOULD NOT EXIST /
OTHERWORLDLY /
OH, LOVE, WE ARE /
ON ANOTHER PLANET


U --
U IS FOR YOU /
YOU ARE THE SUN /
YOU ARE THE STARS /
UBIQUITOUS /
YOU ARE EVERYWHERE /
UNDER YOU I SHINE

SOMETIMES Y --
Y IS A VOWEL ON DAYS WHEN I AM NOT OKAY /
Y IS FOR WHY /
WHY DO YOU WANT THIS?
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YOU, LOVE, ARE GOLDEN /
WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN ME?

love,
for me /
is where it starts /
it grows from there /
or it benjamin buttons its way down /
to a lukewarm spark

i begin my descent /
upon the first hello /
upon the first charming smile /
i fall
and fall
and fall

there is no hollywood slow motion /
it is not head over heels /
it is skull crushed into pavement /
i kiss my own ankles

everyone says /
you can't possibly love someone /
as quickly as i can /
and if you beat the odds, somehow /
you can't possibly love with /
the ferocity that i do

(i am a rare breed /
my passion is feared)

i love and love /
i continue to adore /
until my affections are too much /
until the object of my desires /
decides my devotion is suffocating /
and i understand /
it does not hurt any less --
it is bone crushing devastation, i have finally hit the ground --
but i understand /
why they come and go like the rain

i dive /
headfirst into love /
headfirst into heartache

DEAR HAPPINESS //
you raised me from birth in your light
you never left me; i sit in your glow; a smile stretches on my face
i have always felt so warm

DEAR HAPPINESS //
i wish to know you
we have never met, but i've heard the greatest things about you
i want to feel you on my skin, but i'm afraid i cannot feel you beneath my scales

DEAR HAPPINESS //
i can count on you always in the corner of my brain
watching over me
you shine on me; i know nothing other than your grin
i will always be this warm

DEAR HAPPINESS //
i've been looking for you
seeking you out like you're a prize to be won
you are the riches that are lost at sea
i do not know you
but i wish i did


WHERE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE, HAPPINESS?
WHAT IS THE SECRET TO KNOWING YOU?
I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE ME BACK

HAPPINESS, I AM SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU
MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND
I WEAR YOU LIKE A SLEEVE
WE ARE UNBREAKABLE

DEAR HAPPINESS //
I FEEL LIKE IN A PAST LIFE, WE WERE FRIENDS