please be gentle with yourself

you are doing your best

i am proud of you for waking up this morning

Who am I? What am I?
It's been a while since I cried
Am I a brain on top of a body?
Just processor performing code?
Well, who wrote the code?
Who wrote it?
It's been a while since I was I
I'm not a brain, I have one
I've got hardware put there by Someone else
Who am I?
I'm a computer running software I didn’t write
I'm a soul interacting with a body, a brain
Whose health I neglect on a reg

What am I?
I'm a decaying accumulation of skin
And blood and bone and neurons
I got neurons in my heart
And that's a good place to start
The heart is the mouthpiece of the soul
My identity gets ******* in the whole
Idea of my performance
And my influence
Like if I sing a song badly, my soul takes the hit
And if I lead my partner astray, the whole of me is ****
The whole of me is ****

There's holes in me
But who put them there?
I combust in small increments
My skin flies off in perfect circles
They're fragments
My heart, it's hiding behind these explosions
Hiding behind them because it causes them
Because my mouthpiece is expressing my hate
My lack of love for myself
Hate is just a word we put on the shelf
It's like darkness and coldness
Describing something through absence
Darkness; the absence of light
Coldness; the absence of heat
If hate is the absence of love I might
Just be the one who beats me
Who defeats me
Who carries my heart, my brain, the rest of me
Tied around my neck on a string that I pull through
Like my body is in captivity

I'm privileged to honor this body that I didn’t make
I'm greatly gifted a brain to maintain
My heart, my body, my brain
They shouldn't be strangling me
They shouldn't be dragged through the dirt
They should be a part of me

I am a soul
I have a mouthpiece
My heart is my mouthpiece
My brain is my hardware
That rusts and which I expend

God help me love me
And Who I am
And Who You are

God, make it so apparent to me in my falling out
That I am a part of the three-legged stool
To Love You before all else
To Love everyone else
And to Love myself
Help me see You accurately
God help me
God help this American switch culture
I am not a machine that functions at the flip
Of a switch
I am a soul, a CVT, a cable that climbs up and down
Depending on the speed of the wheels
And decelerating is okay
And (not but) accelerating is wonderful

I do not go 60MPH because I flipped a switch
I go 70MPH because I climb
I climb
God help me climb
And to falter well
And to suffer well
Humble me in my faltering suffering

what hurts more?
knowing that you lost two best friends

or that the war between you all is never ending...

what hurts more?
the feeling of being alone

or the fact that you have been alone for so long you have become used to it...

I used to have suidical thoughts
DAILY

Can you imagine?
Waking up,
and wishing you hadn't.

Does no one feel like I do?
Am I a person filled with more emotions than others,
is this some disease?

Is this why I suffer from heart palpatations when I get anxiety?

will my anxiety **** me one day?

I am not sure.

I have felt great pain in my chest before,
and I have been to the emergency room,
because I was too afraid of my own hands,
and my wrists felt weak.

They used to yell at me to slice them..
I thought I deserved to die.
I wished I had died when I was hit by a drunk driver for a long time.

She took my car, I lost my job,
when I just wished it could have taken my life.

It isn't so dark now,
I wake up in the morning smiling.

If it wasn't for my friends I know I wouldn't be alive today.

They may never know how much they mean to me,
but they are my heart,
and the only reason I still try to love every day.

I can't live for me,
I couldn't live for him,
so I live for them.

Every day I get a step closer to who I want to be,
and it's all thanks to my friends.

I love you all so so much,
thank you.

I'm going to take it one step at a time
Because I'm not going to pretend like I have it all figured out.
In fact, I'm filled with doubt
As to what the future holds
Because I'm tired of listening to what I am told .
Not because I'm rebellious but because like me, they don't know.