You never said anything
because it was him.

He was the one
all of the other girls
dreamed of.

He had the kind smile and the curly hair
and you had drank too much and you had been reckless
and you had acted like you wanted it.

"You'll ruin him,"
they said.
He was good kid.
He had a good future.
He had plans.
What about him?

What about his finger tips
that left bruises across my hipbones?
Or the way he shoved his tongue
down my throat?
What about all the other girls before me?
And the girls after?

What about me?

So you keep your mouth shut.
You listen to your friends
talk about him in passing.

And you never say anything.
Because he is him
and you are you.

you may have hurt me
but you did not break me
you did not destroy me.
i will always be stronger than you
simply because it’s the truth.
you are nothing
and that is what you will always be.

I joked
I bantered about it
Being touched when I did not want it
I chuckled
I giggled about it
Being felt that way when I did not want it
I set it aside
I disregarded it
Being looked at with the eyes of a prey
I ignored
I muffled it
The deviant remarks when I did not want it
I covered
I draped it
The million clothes on my body when I did not want it

And yet

They uncovered
They tore it
Every fabric that touched my skin when I did not want it
They grazed
They squeezed it
Every inch of my bare skin when I did not want it
They muffled
They ignored it
Every scream that left my lungs when I did not want it
They forced
They pushed it
Every inch of their filth in me when I did not want it.
But I did not stop there, I asked and begged and yelled out my story to all
But at the end
I was called a ****
A ****
Who asked for it.

The silver lining
of her otherwise fuchsia
underwear, was in its ability
to sense danger.

The gray area
of her otherwise rosy
lips, was in who they were
allowed to kiss.

The red alert
of her otherwise bronze
thighs, was for what attempted
to get between them.

The white elephant
in her otherwise beige
room, is what happened
to her prized possession.

His touch, forced and hungry,
still echoes on my skin.
I’d hoped to tattoo that space
with your name,
your warmth to drive away the pain
and claim my skin again.
But now I’m left to stare
at the empty space
where the traces of his name
sit on top of yours.

I was fourteen,
a rebel and so naive,
my "boyfriend" broke up with me,
or at least I thought he was mine,
but that's a story for another time,
and then I met this guy,
my age, so popular and so my type!
we hung out at my house,
almost every nights,
he walked me from school,
I thought that was nice,
but outside my bedroom,
we turn into strangers.

One day he asked me out,
on a date..?
I thought maybe it wasn't too late,
maybe it was fate,
for me to trust again,
he told to meet him late,
so I dressed up nice,
wore my favorite jeans,
and blushed my cheeks,
nothing too revealing,
don't wanna be deceiving!

We went for a walk,
and...he took me to a hotel,
I should've left right there and then,
but I thought,
we were alone before,
he wouldn't do anything I don't consent for,
we went up to our room,
ordered some pizza and drank some *****,
and he paid for EVERYTHING!

One thing led to another,
I was wearing only his sweater,
too drunk to remember,
how he got on top of me,
why I couldn't push him off my body,
my hands on his chest,
but he's not moving his hands,
he kept kissing my neck,
I kept screaming STOP!
and NO, I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!
SO WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

He drowned down my voice,
nothing my mouth was able to say,
he told me it was okay,
that it'll feel great,
but I felt paralyzed and betrayed,
tears streaming down my face,
and I was afraid,
I couldn't keep it down,
while he pinned me down,
on the bed, my lips he's kissing,
but only to keep me from shouting,
not because he's so loving,
he was so close to finishing,

He screamed YES!
while I thought NO!
but thank god he pulled out,
and then he got mad,
why I didn't put in my mouth,
why I let his *** spread out,
on his sweater, he went to the bathroom,
and I sat on the bed,
I was all wet from his sweat,
I felt exposed,
and got filled with regret,
I wish I stayed home,
I wish we never met!

Four years went by,
and I'm still traumatized,
I'm eighteen,
and its summer after my senior year,
I'm hanging out with some friends,
and I'm at a hotel again,
but this time I know what could happen,
and I've taken precautions,
we hung out a couple of times,
and he said he wanted to see me one last time,
but surprisingly I was the first to arrive,
he said let's drink to **** some time,
until the others pass by,
I politely decline,
and I ask to sit outside,
on the balcony,
where it's safe and everyone can see us publicly.

He then poured my a glass of orange juice,
my vision got kinda hazy and my body got loose,
he picked me up from my chair,
and took me to the bedroom,
I didn't know what to do,
my mind was awake,
my body was at stake,
he placed me on my stomach where it aches,
and pulled down my shield...

... I don't know where to go from here,
or how to feel,
I'm almost nineteen,
and I still see them in my dreams,
and I still feel them breathe,
heavily against my body,
and I'm so very sorry,
for every girl who had to worry,
about an unwanted pregnancy,
because they acted so recklessly,
I stand by you during your journey,
and in front of all the jury,
with integrity,
to tell the whole world your story.

This is my story.