And I try so hard and I never exceed

your expectations that plague me

I cannot see,

In front of me

Your judgment clouds my vision.

And now I can't make decisions.

Anxiety sets the tone,

Of how I'm all alone.

I'm afraid of failure.

I just wish I was someone greater,

Than me.

I'm sure everybody would agree.

It started as a gnawing
in my stomach- not
butterflies of love
but the anticipation
of flirting with death.

There after, I'd race cars
down empty streets and
sing louder than the speakers
overpowering blue and red
sirens behind me.

Liquor rolled down my throat
like dice on the gambling table
the first time I bet my luck and
held your hand.

Midnight's like those were the
times when the barrels of loaded
guns seemed as tempting
as the sweet kiss of your lips.

It’s is a rope, with the strongest of fibres
that holds me together and can unthread and tear me apart,
it replaces my bones and makes me limp.
It makes me fold into myself as I walk -
are people staring at me?

Coiling so very tightly
twisting and turning and tying,
tying me up, forcing me to my knees.
Cuts deep into my foundation -
they’ve spread too far.

Rapid breath intakes, sweaty palms
my heartbeat is deafening, faster faster,
punching through my chest as I walk down the street.
I just need to get to the end
yet I always fail and f  a  i  l  more.


Trying not to let my weak body collapse me.
trying not the let the sheets smother me.
trying not the let the rocks squash me.
trying not to let the fingers strangle me.
trying not to let the words define me.


It’s like a ***** that holds my world together
there not point trying to look, you cant find it,
yet when I’m in public it comes loose.
I prepare to run as
the sky crumbles around me.

The ***** is so small you cannot tell it lay inside me
it’s so delicate so don’t look at me closely,
or you can see it in the twiddling in my fingers.
The dilated pupils and panicked expression.
Choose. Fight or flight?

I bite my lip so hard it starts to bleed
trying to keep it inside and hidden as to keep it a secret,
it’s like a wave trying to break towards the shore.
Like somehow, it’s never going to stop
*so I keep sinking and sinking and nobody can tell.

I've written myself in those poems;poems that were dedicated for you. Now I realise you just stole my passion for the world and the beauty I used to contemplate in art and everything that surrounded me. You know what? ******* I can and I will live without you, yes it's cold but you get used to it .