i hate you

i hate the way you smile to yourself like the world inside your head is constantly better than the world with me in it

i hate the way you tap along to silent beats as if your ears are flooded with better melodies than my voice

i hate the way you roam these halls as if you're looking to float away from me

i hate the way you fill your notebook with tales where you're the sole heroine as though i'm not here as well

i hate the way you make me wanna be selfish

making me want to busy your mind with me

making me want to be what you smile to yourself about

making me want to hold you down so you can't tap along to the beat of someone else's heart

making me want to hold your hand like an anchor because you can't leave just yet

making me want to write a world in which it's you and i against the odds

making me want to paint over your heart so no one else can find it

i hate loving you

because loving you is far too consuming

because loving you seems so single sided

because loving you means loving a ticking time-bomb
ticking away until you finally disappear
and you tell me it's not me you're looking to leave
but if that were true
you'd think you'd invite me to disappear as well


i hate that i love you

(read forward, then backward, line by line)

I ran.
Not knowing what else to do
There was so much blood on my hands
It was mine
The kitchen knife
Caught in my chest
Guilt
Consumed by
Fear
I was heightened by
Adrenaline
But running on
Wasn’t enough
While trying to stay calm,
Losing control
It was me that would end up
Dead. Because
He was
In front of me
The whole time
It was too late
Trapped
I found myself
Locked in chains
My fate was
Death.

I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.