Dearest,
I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but I failed you. The path you chose for me has a dead end and not with a graduation hat that would prove that I am as smart and hard working as you believed I could be. The good girl you believed was somewhere inside me, your Beatles girl, your shortie, is long gone. But oh, your stubborn one is still here. It's been years and spreading the love you gave me didn't do me any good, not in such society I guess.. You'd know that. I almost forgot your scent until a stranger passed by me the other day and threw a couple of warm memories with the passing scent, the sound of your laugh is almost fading and the the regret of never telling you I loved you doesn't hurt as much, because I know now that you knew.. you knew. you knew! I REALLY HOPE I'M NOT LYING TO MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE WITH THE GUILT ANYMORE.
I need you.
I'm in desperate need of your guidance.
I miss you.
Again and forever, I hope you're where we pray to be.
Goodbye.

your stubborn one,
Huda

Seated
Waiting
For what?
Who shall know?
For it is a great mystery;
Unknown to any
Unless you can see through those eyes
The eyes of murky times

Can you hear it?
The laughter
The screams
The footsteps
The heartbeats
The repetition
The chaos?

I can...
I see a child
So small and fragile
Sitting alone
Tucked away in a corner
Out of reach of the light
Kept in such solitude
It's surprising she knows what she does
Yet
She is still so dumb
Empty
And needing of someone to show her the way

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Did I become so naive?"

Over and over
Internally
Bashing a skull
It hurts
But it doesn't bleed
Doesn't bruise

Words overflowing
Like the waves of an ocean
In the midst of a tempest
Skies swirling
Thunder echoing
Lightning crashing down
The gusts of wind
Wailing

Yet
None can see this

Why?
None of it exists
Besides in the confines of her mind

Time and time again
Memories race about
Filling every available space
Overwhelming
Alas
It's nothing more than the usual tussle
The same as the day before
And all the previous

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Will this end?"

Never, it seems

Freak, tool, ******,
Idiot, r----d, monster,
Dumby, demon, mental,
Twig, weakling, wanna-be,
Try-hard, kiss-a--, f-ck-up,
Lazy, scatterbrain, broken,
Wrong, ugly, shortie,
Hideous, fragile, cutter,
Liar, cold, empty,
Failure, loser, creep,
Fool, b-tch, little sh-t,
Nobody, depressed, anxious,
Nervous, suicidal, painfully shy,
Lonely, miserable, void,
*****, undesirable, timid,
Unfix-able, mistake, loveless,
Worthless, clumsy, underweight,
Tiny, strange, always tired,
Emotionally drained, blank,
Dead inside, third wheel, out of place,
Annoying, pointless, purposeless,
Hated, thing, useless...

It all repeats...
Over and over
Nonstop
Continuously for years...

Is there a cure to this madness?
Such is unknown.

Medication after medication
Still
No significant change
No stopping it

Maybe for a moment
But soon it disappears
Fading away
From whence it came
To return soon
Unexpectedly...

- Jay M
August 22nd, 2019