I feel like an idiot
I always feel like an idiot

I try to love
Just to see others love deeper

I try to understand
Just to see others understand more

I try to create
Only to find Im not creative

The only thing I got going for me
Is nothing at all.

I fail at everything I do
I always make people run away

I dont belong in this world
and I never have.

I need to focus and really bear down on the things I love
I exert too much energy and concentration in too many places

I dont know where Im going or who I want to be
and I realize neither does anyone else

I think that Im slightly insane and that I have a preoccupation with ***.

I think I should stop loving but I really cant help it.

I love love.

I hate love.

I always end up making my loved ones feel bad in some way.
I always end up ******* up and I just want the ones around me to be happy.

I always do the same stupid **** and never get anything done.

I am a boy becoming a man but I think I would rather still be a child.
I probably have done too many drugs.

I hide a lot beneath the facades of my own personality.
I try to read a lot but I never finish a book.

I try to paint but I never finish a painting.

I try to have a life but I never actually live.

I try to be something that cant be in this world.
I try to have a complete and total understanding of everything around. I want to know everything that there is to know. But I know its impossible.

The only things I know are impossibilities. Like happiness through freedom, because their is always something chaining me down. Like love, because there is always too many emotions with other people and the love gets clouded. Eventually pushed out.  

I am more of an empty hollow shell than people know. I feel my emptiness with garbage and turn it into a realization about the world. Sometimes I clean out my hollow shell, and fill it with beautiful things that I've forgotten about. Only to see those beautiful fragments of memory become sinister with time. Only to see past the veil of happiness I thought I carried with me in early life to see that I was really just lying.

I am a great actor from an emotional distance.

But I am a terrible actor once you know me.

I know I will do "great" things in this life.

If I dont **** myself first.

Sometimes I wish I had a child so I had a sole purpose for my soul. But I would probably hate them for taking my self-expression away.

I am calm, cool and collected but inside I am thriving with thoughts that I dive into. Some thoughts in the deep parts of my psyche. I hollow the thoughts out, and try to sort the bad from the good only to spill them in an unprecedented manner. So, I scoop up the parts and throw them away like the inside of a pumpkin right before halloween. My spirit is like one of the ghosts youll see that night. Just a sheet with some holes in it. Just a man pretending to be something that doesnt belong in this world.

I have problems with attachment and trying to love.

I tripped yesterday and had one thought that kinda ****** with me.
It wasnt you ******* with me. It was me ******* with me.

Its always inside my own head, but the people around me think that its them.

Thats the thing that really hurts me... me... I hurt me. And the people around me always think that its them.

They think that its them... Its not. Dont run away.

Fuckk... I have problems with attachment. Ill run away if you dont because the things I want in life are an impossibility. They are just grim fantasy realities that media has ingrained into my life. I am a product of a broken society but we are so many in number.. that not enough people will hear my last breath to take our own demise seriously. I yearn to stick a needle in my arm or to pop a pill that will allow me to be me.

"You are already who you are, embrace it"

**** that. I am not the impossibilities I dream about.

.... I know I can get to that point in another way but the path is difficult and in terrible condition. I have a lot of work to do before I can embrace it. If I embrace it now, Ill be back to the logical, cold-hearted, un-caring person I was before. Before the power of love mystified my universe and made me see so much beauty. Im stuck in between this world and the next and I dont know what to make of it. I dont really belong anywhere with anything.

Someday I hope to expand on this feelings. With a story behind it. With my life of impossible realities expressed to people who understand it, because so many of these impossible realities of myself are shared with others who want to embrace the same impossibility.

to love a person, is a risk
rejecting this risk, means to
reject love -- what does this mean?

i love a girl called milly
she likes her cousin and
sometimes, i'm scared

imagining her soft skin
these hands, touchin
anotha dude; FUCKK!

but i be good, my friendz
cause i called popz
his old voice calmed me

my popz has become a real
friend by now; he's experienced
listen to dem old ones

you be good, too..

Lil piece of my mind..... some thing I wrote....

Comin up in the city, livin like the mob..
Money over *******, and screaming fuckk a job...

On the daily hustl'n to eat hustl'n to sleep..
HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE!?!
Wat you sew is what you reep..?..

Always on a come up, then smack into the wall.
Like god playin tricks, and likes it when I fall...

So lost in this world you'd need a search party to find me.
Even then you'd need the hand of god, the blood of christ and your first born to bind me..

I've lived and learned,
I've been beat, jumped, arrested and physically burned...

I've been cut, kicked, and thrown to the floor.
Yelling this can't be it for me...there has to be more....

With death, drugs and jail taking my family and friends...
I'm standing here all alone saying **** it, till the world ends......

The rage in my chest is constantly building,
the monster inside me wants to shoot thru the ceiling........

My world is spinning I wanna let go.....
My life is a movie, And I'm in the back row...

Its going by so fast -OUT OF CONTROL-
I gotta grab hold -FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL-

Taught by my mom to always be strong..
With the fear of failure in my head all day long....

Some days I feel like I'm drowning in a sea with no water...
I WILL MAKE IT I WILL SURVIVE, if not for me.
!! FOR MY SONS AND MY DAUGHTER..!!!

(1) New Message:
(Photo attached: depicting a crab with a knife)
haha is this you

(1) New Message:
i’ll be back late, gotta job, chinese for dinner?
i’m buying

(1) New Message:
haven’t heard from you, you didn’t come home. You okay?
people disappear in this town, you know i worry

(1) New Message:
it’s been three days. Jesus christ, Dan, please text me or call me or something. If you want space, just tell me. i’m worried about you

(1) New Message:
did I do something? i’m sorry, for whatever I did. Please come back. Please answer me. One word is enough. i’m starting to get scared, okay?

(1) New Message:
I asked around town. Someone said that you died.
Answer me. Please.

(1) New Message:
wheeeeere th fuckk r youu
cme back ‘m sorryy

(1) New Message:
it’s been a week. Everyone I ask says that you aren’t coming back. I don’t believe them, I cant.
You’re stuff is still here.

(1) New Message:
I won’t ask any questions. Even if you just come ******* take your stuff, come back already. it’s my turn to buy dinner.

(1) New Message:
I miss you.

(1) New Message:
someone tried to buy your ****** duck carving, the one you said wouldn’t sell for free.
I almost punched them and cried in the back.
I’m so sorry pls come back pls answer me pls be alive

(1) New Message:
you never showed me your favorite movie

(1) New Message:
I smoked one of your cigarettes today. It burned like hell and tasted like ****
I miss you so much

(1) New Message:
it hurts

(1) New Message:
you werent supposed to diei was supposed to protect you you protect me we protect eachother but youre ******* gone im so ******* sorry pls come back i cant do this
i cant lose you

(1) New Message:
I never got to tell you
come back already so I can tell you

(1) New Message:
Happy birthday

(1) New Message:
I left your presents out
as though you’d ******* show up months later
and I bought some of the whiskey we drank our first night out
i’ll leave a glass for you

(1) New Message:
I love you

(1) New Message:
I should’ve told you a long time ago
I love you so ******* much it’s killing me

(1) New Message:
why did you have to die

A Cruel World

For a few fleeting moments

You may enjoy

A chat with a woman online

She is kind

Then she leaves

Is it just better not to seek companionship?

Maybe


Afterall-- Being alone
That is the natural state
Of my existence

Beautiful things they go away
The therapist
The kind woman online

You know
The more times it happens
One day I'll just forget about
Ever meeting anyone

To enjoy women
But not to know any

Oh you know
It's all so ******

We were having a lovely conversation
Ah well
You know good things are usually spoiled

Now I'm alone again
Sitting at my computer

Every time I seek
For some human companionship

Just **** it
******* **** **** **** ****

I'm not afraid you know
Of globalists and ****** teams
Of endless days searching for food

I'm not afraid
Because I spend my life alone

Alone on earth
No one gives a ****

Why, why, ****** ****

We were having a nice conversation?
I didn't say anything rude

Ugh ******
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the therapist

Oh well you know
I just wish I had some ******* friends
That I could see each week

We are isolated
Young Americans....
ISOLATED

No man is an island
But I am close

Make sure you have the necessary food and water
Emergency supplies
Remember to care about yourself
Say your prayers

You're all alone and just with God
Nobody ******* cares

Fuckking fuckk!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

******* **** !!!!!!!!!!!

GET BACK TO THE COMPUTER!!!!!!!

I NEED TO TALK--

WHY DID YOU LEAVE?

YOU MADE ME GO TO THE MOUNTAINS

AGAIN!

India is a mind fuckk **** i m through with it its your move chieff