As i sit here sipping my ***** on ice, all i could think about is what ifs, what woulds and what id be like if something happened the way i pictured? I sit and have these fantasies that i know wouldnt happen buts its full of what ifs, what woulds and what itd be like if something happened the way i wanted it to go? Life would be so much easier, having these huge dreams when you know you cant make it to most of them with a negative mind set. What ifs, what woulds, what itd be like if something did go my way? The way i wanted it to go? Every single little step i take it feels like im being dragged behind.. With the devil sitting on my shoulders and heavy weight i carry around, a burden that cant get off my shoulder.. Guilt, regret, being hurt by loved ones.. But what if one day it was care free? Nothing to worry about nothing to think about? You just go on with your day with no worries.. What ifs, what woulds, what itd be like to have something go my way the very first time?

Your sitting in the cabin of woods, far from old sighs and tribulations.
Like saliva, your current dame forms through a process of aural nothings on the couch most adjacent your heart.
The cabin is attempting its second suicide this month; burning itself from the inside, kitchened soul, out.
The dame says nothing but thats not what you need.
Your needs exceed the gritting anger of blue and orange flame.
You feel the delicate hairs of your foot dissolve from these blues and oranges; the horror of human carbonation is a 90 year rainbow.
The dame says nothing but thats not what you need.
You need the dame to cough up bricks and sea of vocabulary that bring you back to your nostalgic rave.
The mute dame is louder than the fire and this is your current muse.
Your most current scar tissue to be.
The fiery cabin will bend around you like bark, and this is what you need.
This is the blanket you've been waiting for.

****** *******.

Verily, thou art.

If thine own charms woulds't not deliquesce my pow'rs,
       mayhaps my quill
woulds't obey my

commands...

Yet ~ evermore ~ am I slave

to thy smirks

and provocations

...both vexations to me.


I turn 'round,
but come back

                       time again.

(Provoking my ire.)

Thou

                   knave.

    Rogue.

(****** *******.)

Thou've been a naughty swain.
Get thee to my rooms.

sometimes,
The music is just too **** loud
But we know the silence would be louder.
Because its not really silence,
We like to think it is,
But weve filled it with silent shouts
Cries for help
Proclamations of faith
Admirations of beauty
We have filled it with violent yelling
About realities that should not be
Say we should not suffer
No one should suffer; We
Fill the nothing with shoulds and woulds
A reality in which nothing is as it should be
And everyone would be happy if only-
We create a world in which no one is happy
Yet everyone wants to be
So we walked around seeing
Darkened hues, blacks and blues,
Bruises and scars from scarier times
When we didnt know we were going to make it
We pretended like we were.
But here we are now still not convinced
Did all of me make it
Or did I leave something behind
Because in the fantastically human reality
Of shoulds and woulds and shouting
Who are we to say who we are
When we cant even stand the music?

I don't want to be depressed anymore.
The shoulds and woulds
All wrapped up in why did he
And how could she.
Eating slowly at the bonds I've formed
With people.
Human beings that are doing their best
But never good enough for me,
For perfection.
I'd rather be dead.

I don't want to be upset anymore
With the strangers on the bus
In their garb of business and ***
That they speak with boisterous joy
They should be considerate of me
And speak louder to drown out my thoughts.
Maybe I could drown them out on my own.

I want to be content
Because I want to do the dishes and use them
I want to ***** the floors and wash them again,
I want to see the beauty in a teapot and the joy in a
soft pillow
To see what it is to comfort a weathered soul.
I want to uphold routine.

I want to be happy
Because I love to feel alive
And I love to feel in love.
I love to love you and I want to do that for me
And maybe you'll do it for you too.
I want to sit with you in silence
And discuss soda in the coffee shop,
I want to look at you and cry
In gratitude
The only thing I can feel for you
And I know I will.

I want to live a life,
Because I want to be alive.

trepidation.
walk on eggshells. Don't make the wrong move. words are more powerful than you know. vanquished by them, yet again. Woulds never heal when written by a blade of sound.
walk away.
hopeless, forlorn. dejected and rejected. failure cuts a knife so deep. why. Never should make a person feel, this way. rejected. a state of being denied, shunned, dropped, jilted or abandoned. Drop-kicked is more accurate. through thoughts and feelings and walls of un-intention. Unintentional doesn't mean, unafflicting. It's not unconditional.
Up, down, turn around. Hide and seek, but words will always find you. Ominous. Noxious. Apocalyptic. Impending and inauspicious, never pending doom. Don't drown. words surround. Overpower and oppress, get in touch with loneliness. Inescapable. Better to surrender. words.
Immobilize. Can't even hear. Things being said, here. take out. shut off. take over. can't control. it's overtaking. seize power. let go. it'll never stop. Beaten. Buried. Conquered. No respite here. Weariness, none do care. Defeated, run-over. a dump truck of cruelty crushing, running over your heart. The soul is next. **** the heart, now defeat the senses. can't, survive. stressed and, suppressed.
The power of a consonant hath never been matched.
Rip apart, tear down from the start. People don't matter when reduced to mere words and petty emotion. Remove humanity. Steal personality. Nothing matters. Anymore. Disheartened and, Decomposed. Striped bare. unaware. doesn't matter, anymore.
forebodingly frightful. frustrating, feeble, failing, falling, faintheartedly framed. Fuddled. Flustered. No solution to this mess. no respite from such unbearable distress. The fright won't subside.
What a great terror, to be left outside. Alone. In the dark. words. tear, destroy. Shut out in the cold, still scared and alone. Abandoned and deserted. Desolate in a land of cruel misintentions. Uneager comprehensions.
Falling, no stopping. Fear suffocating any chance for hope. Fall.

There are white streaks
in her hair
on your arm
in his blood vessels
between the lines I say and don't say
below the dark sea
above the "you" and the "me"
See them or don't
won't you unveil
prevail
re-sell this vision of adulthood
with all it's woulds and shoulds
with all it's white streaks:
where you are just a "hi"
and I am just a good "bye"