Woven with secretions of midnights veil,
Its fur absorbs full moons light now stale.
Through its piercing eyes that follow shifting
shades, daring to attain its glare precariously drifting.

Abiding its time as night decays, fractured sights
let in the breath of inclement silence, coldness bites.
whispering through halls, but shuddering when
this onyx mystery speaks, winds shudder becoming thin.

This place is a citadel of muteness, where one
voice to be only spoken, it never gestures than
with some intent, but wears many facades
changing its outfits, ever enjoying its odds.

For what is life without a challenge, its master
returns, those whose thought he was the caster
when spoken through a ventriloquist of self
as who holds the blame not her, but himself.

The barn door creaked open, and I faced it like a scared rabbit, my breath panting, short and rapidly.

The silhouette figure of Jim stood there, his strong, distinctive voice calling out, "Mary?"

I couldn't respond like I wanted to. Maybe I should of just stood there and hid in the darkness and he would leave. I felt so cowardly and so ashamed of myself.

"Mary! Are you in in here?"

"Yes, I'm here", I replied nervously, my voice shaky. I couldn't stop my lip from quivering, even though the darkness of the night hid it from full view. Trying to look brave, I quickly asked Jim, "You got a smoke?"

Where did that come from? I never smoked before, even when Sue and all her friends did it. How they used to make fun of me for refusing a cigarette! Now here I was blutting out things that never would have come out of my mouth before.

Firm and steady, Jim held the match to my cigarette, but my hand shook so badly that he looked at me intensely. Soon, I feared that I would faint if he did not look away.  In the warmth of the flame, he eyes flickered, and I felt goose bumps rise upon my skin.

He steadied my hand for me, and I took a weak puff upon my Lucky Strike. "What's the matter?", he asked "You look like you saw a ghost. You're shaking from head to toe!"

"I'm just cold", I lied.

In a flash, Jim wrapped his jacket around me, and in another flash, his reassuring arms were folded around my waist as he pulled me close to himself.

Now my knees were really ready to give way. Thank God that he had me in his grip, for I would have fallen for sure. I looked out into the darkness, it nearly pitch black if not for the tip of my burning cigarette.

Sue stood there, hands on her hips in her cocky way. "Don't be such a baby!", she warned. "Relax, or it'gs going to hurt a lot worse!"

I shuddered. Why did I have to think of her! My sister!

Reluctantly, I asked her for advice this morning. She was the only one who knew where I really was tonight. Oddly enough, she was the only one I could trust to keep her mouth shut. To Sue, snitching was something only weaklings and losers did, and she was neither. We were not close sisters, but I realized if anybody knew anything about anything, it was Sue.

So maybe I was a baby, just a step away from dolls as far as my sister was concerned. Yet here I was, on the edge of a fate that was supposed to make me a woman, that made me desirable to a full-grown man. Who cared about Sue now anyway? I imagined her just slipping away, becoming smaller and smaller.

Jim's comforting arms, his wondrous touch--I felt his warm breath against my cheek, his fingers work magic upon my back.

But someting was terribly wrong.

I was pulled into it too fast. It was not me standing there as his deep kisses engulfed me into my make-believe fantasy. As Jim overpowered me, I should have been on the top of the world. I should have felt beautiful, felt like I meant something.

I tried to stop, to pull away, to refuse to go any further. All along I thought of what I should tell him.  I don't want to do this! Stop! I can't stay here with you. I really like you, but I can't! Will you let me just go back home, please?"

Instead, I could not find my voice, or my footing. He was going too far. It was all going too fast, on a runaway freight train which I had no way to jump off from . I felt too weak, too overwhelmed, embarassed just to push him away. Blood rushing into my temples, I felt myself spinning as the room was spinning, spinning out of control like that crazy, old iron rooster skating about in the wind on top of the barn.

Jim lay me down so easily as he placed himself on top of me. For that awkward moment, I did not want to be there, so I removed myself from the situation the best that I could. In the remaining time we were together, fear ruled as I shut my eyes and expected the worst.

Finally, I did find my voice. My scream was so piercing, lough enough to knock that rooster off its bearings from up above. It was as if my soul had been pierced too, torn right down past the flesh and through a writhing pain of guilt and sorrow.

Like a woman in heavy labor,  at last I knew what my sister was talking about. The rip and tear of my innocence seemed so gone away from me. Just like that.

All I could do was wimper like a puppy, the illusion of what love was shattered before my eyes. Pulling away from me, I swore that Jim  gave me a look of suspicion and anger, one that I would never forget.

From the gaps in the roof came enough exposure to shed a few rays of moonlight. I lay there as Jim harshly grabbed me by the shoulders.

"How old are you!?, he demanded

"Fifteen", I admitted, meekly.

For a moment, he just sat there, stunned. The moment felt like a lifetime to me. What was he going to do? Slowly, he bagan to shake his head in disbelief.

Then abruptly he rose up. "You're bad news!", he concluded. He grabbed his jacket, took off, and left me with words that would hurt and sting far more than our encounter together.

What occurred after that seemed like slow motion. The night seemed to last and last, in punitive judgment, as it took me a while to leave that spot, my knees curled up to my chest in a fetal position.

Eventually, I did rise up, fix myself up and headed for home--only because my stomach was growling.

But I did not feel hungry.

I tried to imagine what Sue would say after she pulled the truth out of me. You know you are still a ****** if you couldn't go through with it! She'd have that superior, smug look on her face. And ****** if I was going to feel small in her presence!

I went through the kitchen door of my house. The dawn barely breaking after the dark hours, so punishing and so long.

To my surprise, there was my father's voice from behind his favorite armchair. "You came home from Janey's house sooner than you said", he commented, startling me back to reality. "Much earlier than I expected", he added, almost as if to say, "It's nice one of you girls listens to your dear, old dad".

That was enough to bring about a true confession, a flood of repentant tears. But turning around, as I made my way upstairs, I forced a weak smile.

Yet, what I really wanted to do was turn around and run right into his lap and pour out my heart. That would be the fantasy of a child, and I fought off the urge .

I did not know what I was anymore. Still a girl? A sucker? At that moment, I felt like I did not even exist, numb and shocked to the core.

Sue met me in the hallway and started to ask me in eager whipsers, "Ok, did you do it? How was he?"

I shoved her down on the floor so quickly that she couldn't believe it. "I couldn't get enough!" , I sneered at her, my fist curled up, ready for another comment from her. Our eyes met, and mine were so steely that her reaction shocked me.

Sue never saw me this way, and lay there before me, speechless.
  
I got away and made it to my seclusion. Before the bathroom mirror, at last I was safe. The tears fianlly came as I studied myself closely. There was no sound, only silent, long, wet tears.

Who now stood before me was different than who she was before, and I mourned the loss of my innoence.

The darkness is losing
but so many people are on the wrong side
people just going along with the ride
the devil telling them it will wall be fine
as they are on thier way to die
They jump off buildings because the devil whipsers they can fly
People chioce to be nieve
they dont want to believe
ignoring what they see
nothing is as it seems
if you live your life looking through a blind fold
the devil has a hold
on you
you like to believe your living your own life
but your just doing what your flesh tells you to do
you cant even move
if the devil doesnt want you to
you see your in a trance
you believe pain is all you have ever had
you feel empty and sad
so you  get high but it wont last
your mad at the world and you dont know why
your on your way to die
so might as well have fun
bring other people down with you
might as well betray all love
no need to be happy
no need to get saved
the world is going to end
might as well drink your life away
eternity doesnt matter
who cares where you end up?
all you care about
is that you never see the bottom your cup
and if someone tells you diffrent
dares to ask about your ways
they are racist, haters, and above all fake
you tell yourself these things
because you dont want to think
dare have an original thought
go against want the devil thinks
dont follow your heart
dear do anything that may help you in life
dont stop keep it up
stay on the losing side
never feel real love

sometimes, i think you live here,
in my marrow, in my bones.
there's a squirrels nest of
broken heart pieces and mirror whipsers in the dark
shredded and stuck around my ribcage.
you haunt my esophagus and sternum.

usually, i think you no longer live here,
in my fingers, in my toes,
but, can love exist like ghosts?
faded polaroids floating in air,
like where there's not enough ink
and the words come out blurry and smudged
and grey like charcoal-dust-fingerprints
on the page?
can love exist like that?
shadows of tall buildings stretching across streets?
can love exist like that?
i think it can, because there's charcoal dust
at the base of my spine
that still spells out your name sometimes,
and smells of chai.
you still know my weak spots,
and i still know where you're ticklish
i know where you bruise like over ripe apples
my spine remembers curving against your chest,
and i know your breath against my neck
your hands on my hips,
your lips on my lips
if anyone ever wants to know you, let me tell them
the noise you make when you get a new idea,
or the hushed sound of your breathing as you sleep,
the way your lips curve into a smile slowly,
or rush into laughter, there's no inbetween.
i'll tell them about your eyes in the middle of the night
when they bore into me like twin drills into brick..
and they will begin to know you.
it is funny that people can fall off of you and away,
drift back into the coils in your brain
that hold distant, but important, memories
moments of pure bliss, trauma,
you forget the names and faces you used to see everyday
for all different reasons, the universe has different plans
than what we'd like to see, couples are forced apart
sometimes gladly
sometimes reluctantly
and sometimes sadly
but there will always be a thread of you that
holds something on the other end
and usually it hangs off of you unnoticed,
but sometimes it gets caught with other threads,
or looped around an arm or a leg
and you have to remember,
try to remember,
for a moment,
i am on the other end.

Empty promises haunt me and stab at my heart with daggers
A lonely thought wanders and dances through my jaded mind
It whipsers to me that I will get what I want but I can't tell if it's lying
Words can be manipulative and convincing just like I can be
This is my mind taunting me; showing me consequence

I know myself as one person but maybe I am another

whisper in the night
dissolving into the silverlight
moonlight, hungry light
my whipsers dissolve just before
hitting your eardrums
to resonate into your brain
my whispers vanish unheard
so i let my thoughts vanish, out of sight.

Sing for me child,
retell the tales you've heard.

Kiss and told whipsers behind closed doors and hushed voices.

On the lips of love slipped the idea of betrayal.

No ringing of the bells tonight;
no praying for the royal blood to be split tonight.

I've got blood on my mind and a knife in my hand,
The queen drank her death at the feast;
now I come from the king-rid the country of the fatted beast.

Let the halls run with blood, may it flow down the stairs.

Sedition.
Tradition.

When one royal bloodline fails it's people- the people strike back.

Attack.

No more ringing bells for the prince and his sister.

We've silenced the guards, dead where they stood.

The first minister sleeps forever- hung by his hood.

Innocent blood- there is none here tonight.

just a young heart confusing my mind
im confused or am i blind
challenge whipsers
im dead inside?
everything i do
is a waste to your time

ill try
ill try
ill try till my bones die
to further more my love will
ignite my heart so.  

if i cry every night will the end
accept me, beneath me is under
the heart you swore you'd lend me.

im swollen from the hits you gave me,
metaphorically.
will you accept me.

have I told you how it hurts
how the pain never fades
how every remark from your lips
keeps adding to my shame
have I told you how I hate
every word from your tongue
that whipsers her name
and every her to come
have I told you I'm broken
every day a new repair
how I'm trying to fix me
how its impossible with her there