I wanted to turn around
But your silence made me think twice
I realized when I walked away
You just saw a sheath for your knife.

And they all taste cotton candy sweet
While I am the bitter aftermath of cigarettes smoke
Because when you're a mallard in a sea of swans
You start praying for the echo of gun shots proclaiming duck season

My mind has been blank for years
I can no longer bleed on to the paper
I lost my ability to write
Expression has been foreign to me
Since I opened my veins to write about him
The wound festered and poisoned my brain
It took my sense of speech
My sense of beauty
My artistic gleam upon the world
I have yet to find an antidote
To the venom in my veins
The verses will have to stay concealed
Buried under my bones
Hymns trapped I the hinges of my heart
Hoping to one day spill onto the paper

I'm running out of ways to convince you that my whole being revolves around you. You are my sun. You are the warmth on my body when the cold bitter world is giving me frostbite. I am a withered **** in the middle of winter constantly praying for you to give me the chance to bloom again. I want my ozone layers to thin and my polar ice caps to melt because you are close to me. If you set me on fire then I want to burn.

I don't want candy colored pills
Or faux supportive smiles.
I want to be blanked in bruises
To limp when I walk
I want my voice to scratch when I speak.
I don't want red lines from blades but from your nails scraping down my spine.
I want my brain to be clouded from pleasure not pills.
I want heavy eyelids from *** not insomnia.
I want to pant and moan because I'm so ******* tired of crying.
I want the sad ****** out of me.

When I found you,
I thought I found someone who would save me from drowning
When really I just found someone who would sink with me.
You tasted so sweet the first time we kissed.
But your taste was confused with sweetness of bottles of liquor that had already stained my lips.

I promised you pieces of an unfinished heart.
I didn't let my heart grow
I didn't let it reach its full potential.
I didn't know that once it bloomed it wouldn't want you anymore.

I didn't realize my soul was intwining with another even as I
Told you sweet nothings to get through the night.

But that's what all my words became to you.
Nothing.  
They were empty.
They did not belong to you anymore.
My I love yous had always been meant for someone else.
I didn't mean to give you what was not yours.
I didn't mean to take your heart too.
I didn't mean to be greedy.
I didn't mean to throw you away.

But what I found
What I was always meant to find
Is like fresh air after breathing in a life time of toxins.
She is the antidote to the venom in my thoughts.
She is the first rain on the barren waste land of my soul.
She is Mother Earth to the dirt of my body
Creating flowers with her touch on every inch of my skin.

I didn't mean to find you first.
I didn't mean to lie.
But if finding her meant to poison your life once again
I would do it in a heart beat.

Unlike with you, the
Bruises my new girlfriend leaves
Are concentual

Like an oyster, I coveted pearls
Popped from prescribed bottles

I still love you dear
But I have another girl's moan
Ringing through my ears.

I've made my home in her heart
My roots entwined with her veins  
The weeds of my mind plucked by her timid fingers
For she was scared her poison would spread
Her body had been sick for so long her thoughts doctored by those she pulled close
She ignored the life she spread through her touch
As she healed my withered limbs
My flowers bloomed in the cracks of her skin
And saved each other
We were whole once again

My thoughts of her have spilled out of my mind and onto my tounge
creating sentences I never should speak
My desire for her has built into an aggression for the world around
Now I drop more insults  than solders do bombs  
I cause more emotional deviation than a third world typhoon
Wounding others in ways they have tried to replicate
Becoming the ultimate form of self harm
I have withdrawals from her skin
In which my body twitches  palms sweat and
my mind is consumed in a mirage of her touch
But I cannot be detoxed from her like a common alcoholic
Even though I have purged every emotion out of my body
Like the calories I feared would store over my bones
I cannot rid myself of this burning craving of affection
That only she can give me  
For she has filled the void left by the generations
of sanitarium prisoners my lineage was cursed with
My fragile balance of living thins the longer she is away
But I am no acrobat and I don't know how much longer
I can tiptoe across this tightrope of stability

Red numbers
Scribbled on an essay
Cannot measure
Your intelligence

White digits
Etched upon a scale
Cannot define
Your beauty

Black decimals
Printed on a paycheck
Cannot calculate
Your value

These numbers
Are not branded on skin
We are not
A statistic

The Prince of Peace
wants me dead
Because of the pretty girl
I have decided to bed

If Snow White had gone to the sea  
To fall in love with Ariel
My aggressive Christian parents
Would have ****** Disney to hell
So now that my 'Prince Charming'
Has turned out to be Belle
My jealous God fearing family
Would like me there as well

Tiny tears fall on the ground
As I tiptoe to my mother’s room
She holds me close to her chest
And smells of sweet perfume

I clutch her shirt with little hands
And speak of my troubling dream
She smiles down and comforts me
Quieting my sobs and childish screams

But those days have come to pass
I now must silence my own tears
I’ve kept my problems to myself
For the past seven years

Because my mother couldn’t handle
If I came climbing in her bed
With tears running down my face
And my sleeves soaked with red

Hurry through bedroom door
Breathe in
Fumble through the bottom drawer
Breathe out
Grasp hold of our hidden rounds
Breathe in
Try not to make a sound
Breathe out
Load them in with shaking hands
Breathe in
Pull the trigger; just like we planned
Breathe ou—

Hush little baby don't say a word
Mamma can't hear you her speech is slurred  
She's been going out again
Running around with a new boyfriend  
She's gone all night and sleeps all day
Ignores every single word you say  
Mamma can't see the pain she caused
Now your wrists are wrapped in gauze  
She wants you dead and wants you gone
You've been a burden all along  
It won't get better; wait and see  
Or pull the trigger on the count of three  
Hush little baby don't you cry  
Mamma doesn't care you're about to die

Your lovely little daughter
Was wonderfully bright
But she had a face which
Boys would run from on sight  
  
In your jealous eyes
You saw them come to me
With endless promises of love
Happiness and matrimony
  
You harped on my flaws
And crushed my dreams
So that everyone could see
The crooked way you saw me
  
The scars on my wrists
Just brightened your day
“How could a boy love you
Since you’ve acted this way?”


So many thoughts and jibes
Ran through my mind
But the only thing said was
“My girlfriend likes me just fine.”