to be full of light again
young again
in love again
with you again...
summers with bedtime sunsets just beyond our fingertips
and blessed cold grass just below our toes
autumns with scarves to protect the wind from slitting our slender throats
and leaves crunching under clouds of visible breath
winters with snowball fights and your tongue stuck to an icicle
and craning our necks to hear hooves on the roof
springs with the rebirth and the flutter of butterflies (in my stomach)
and a flower that you tucked into the curls of my hair
now we are godless and without rules,
without boundaries and without each other
it's all one big game of make-believe out here, alone,
and i write sorry lines into the corners of my heart
and you watch me from whatever happens after this life
and i scream your name into my pillow and grow up too fast
and you laugh and send messages that you miss me
miss me miss me miss me miss--
but we're still different than who we were
and who we really are
and who we could or should or would be
innocent or
together or
happy or
careless or
anything, really, as long as we were sure of it
i wait for sunsets to remember your bright love
i feel your hand in mine again when i sing
i hope to god i see you again
i miss you terribly
these are the golden years,
making my own bedtime and wearing "work shoes" and using scarves to hide lovebites and fighting with my fists and not believing in the fantastic anymore and crying when things come back to life (because you won't) and feeling sick no butterflies and--
even still, even after all this
heartbreak and
sore-souled living and
perpetual drunkenness and
coffee addiction and
pain and
living--
even still it's worth it to be able to say i had you at all
and you remain in the palm of my hands and the hole in my heart
full of light
young
in love
you

There was a girl
I used to swap paperbacks
and spit with, once
I fixed her wiper blades,
I remember the soft dead wings
on the windshield,  pretty
as you please

She was alone in her shoes
listening to something
that kept getting darker
and glowing like morning
on the oil spilled under her truck,
she was drifting through
the rosewater of her soft red hair

She only wanted to be rolling
off a swollen river, sliding
out of a clean slip, turning
over in a deep sleep, trailing
a shimmering thread, hiding
under a pile of wet leaves

Then there she was sailing
in her river of blood,  going
white and smelling like smoke
from a struck match behind
closed blinds on a ceramic floor,
a white blouse red as a sharp knife
collecting the light of mourning.

little room
with your small windows and your unimpressive door
dirt floors and a cavernous ceiling
but shelter is shelter and a heart is still a home
you hold me and keep me warm and there's never a thank you for a house but i'll write as many words as i can to show my love
you are a buoy in a choppy sea
and though you be but plain,
just four corners and bare white walls,
you are refuge, you are hope, you are the love i never knew i held so dear

You told me you
              Couldn't find your way
                                     In your darkest nights
So I left you a star
               A star in every poem
                               To find your way home

and until the rivers run dry,
until the evergreens fade,
until the gods stop cursing,
until the sun falters on its path,
until the seasons fail to change,
until the fish forget how to swim,
until the music loses its beauty,
until the stars turn black,
until all this...
a woman's heart will still break
each time she realizes that
she couldn't change him

I went to church
I asked for forgiveness from a god I don't even know if I believe in
I fell in love, and
I ****** it up
I broke my own heart again
I put my faith in the hands of a damaged lover and
I paid the price
I got my hopes up
I waited by the door for my father for two years
I remember him as the first man to hurt me
I dusted myself off and tried again
I prayed for guidance from above even if
I didn't know if it was a god or an overhead light that heard me
I wanted salvation
I looked for it in a bottle but came up empty
I hated my body
I begged it to be different, for him
I failed my own goals
I lied to my mother so much I lost track
I wished I was different but did nothing to change it
I ran away
I came back
I picked up where I left off
I hoped for the best
I began to try

Someday it'll be ten years
Without a whole heart, without a best friend, without you
Time moves slowly and quickly all at once
I've missed you for ten months and sometimes it feels like ten minutes, the hurt is open and raw and deafening
Sometimes it feels like ten centuries, a prolonged breaking of my spirit
I'm selfish for missing you and I'm greedy for wanting you back
But I wasn't ready to say goodbye and sweet jesus I wish I had loved you when I had the chance
Before I hugged your mother and told her I was sorry for her loss
Before I stared at your ashes in a jar in front of an altar
Before I spent everyday since wishing you were still here
Too dry for tears
My heart swelled with rivers of missing you and now I have nothing left to mourn
How is it that I can write ****** poetry but I can't look your brother in the eye?
Come home is too selfish, too greedy
You packed your bags and left for the longest ******* road trip ever and of course I miss you, with every hair on my head and every freckle on my arms
But I know you needed closure
And for you, that came in a shot on a roof
I want more time with you
And I want to rush recklessly toward you in whatever heaven exists
My sins hold me back,
Save my seat below, my wish to stay alive (to live the life you couldn't and to keep my mother happy and to comfort your father and to smile for us both) holds me back
I miss you, miss you
And I can't wait for the day that I rise, a balloon without a hand tethering it to earth, until I hit the sun
Until I hit you, bright and burning