You were my habit
My obsession, my hobby, the sweetest scoop of ice cream, the prettiest sunset of summer
You were my habit
My "maybe someday", my hopes and dreams, the cherry on top, the last flower before fall
You were my habit
And then you stung me and it hurt like a *****
You were my habit
And then you clouded over my entire mind, so I switched you out for coffee
Because two shots of espresso can't break your heart
You were my habit
The closest I've ever come to success held right in my palms before drifting away
You were my habit
And I lost you, the only race I had a chance of winning
You were my habit
Beloved in the way you'd grip my hips and bite my lips and show me a taste of what it felt like to be two years in the future
Beloved in the way you'd tell me I was too immature and that you couldn't handle my problems and
You were my habit
From kissing me to breaking me and everything in between
Every argument and every cup of coffee bought as a caffeinated apology that I gulped down gratefully even when you burned my tongue
You were my habit
And just like everything worth loving, old habits die hard

Grab your popcorn and take a seat,
Because the unraveling of my tired soul is about to play out on the screen for everyone to see.
Is this the punishment for my sins?
My heart fracturing every time I watch them leave together
My stomach crumpling every time her name rolls off his tongue
My hands itching to be that close to his, just a centimeter away from being held
I know when a ship has sailed.
It's my fault, really, for taking my time walking to the docks
The path was smooth and the sun was setting and I got caught up in the beauty of it all that by the time I realized I wanted to get on board, I was running and crying out for the captain to wait
He was gone
There's no use in diving in the water and swimming after the boat
Another one with a pretty sail and a welcoming anchor will come along soon enough, so I'll bide my time in the salty sea air
I know when a ship has sailed.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to watch it fade over the horizon.
Maybe my sins are more numerous than I thought, or maybe I was a serial killer in a past life and I'm paying the price in this one
Either way I am sore and wretched and weary hearted and just so ******* tired of
Watching another back walk out my door

I feel so full I could burst
Longing and lovesickness and loud songs of sorrow filling my heart
I'm bittersweet to my core
Some days I wish I didn't feel so much
But I'd rather have a bruised heart and a cracked pride than be totally numb
It's easy to complain about the one wrong thing than be grateful for all the right
I never used to drink coffee like a second hobby
But now I'd sacrifice anything to wake myself up from this bad dream
I felt love touch my tender heart once
It turned me into a fire, bright and warm and endless
And then the wind came and blew me out
I was cold and it was dark in the circle of stones
And I was alive still in only the embers burning
"Almost" makes my soul crumple
It's never enough, never quenching, never fulfilling
Yet...
I feel so full I could burst

your name
i hear it and i feel volcanic
it sets me off like a cannon and i feel like a gunshot
it triggers me triggers me triggers me triggers triggers triggers--
i close my eyes when i hear your name and my mind is filled with black pain
i feel like a ghost sometimes: floating limply through the motions of living but existing somewhere else
people talk around me but i hear numbness
your name is a fire in my heart and it burns so brightly that it blinds me and i love it, i do
i love feeling the flames of your incredibleness scorch my insides, hurt me and make me proud
being with you was better than heaven
and now i am not
we were two sinners that found each other in a world of pain and wove a cocoon of false paradise
your name is on the tip of my tongue every waking moment and when i speak it, i erupt
loss is not foreign to me
i'm the smallest scrap of a ripped family picture and i'm torn
maybe i romanticize (there's no maybe)
but i love you and i feel your name shatter my soul when i hear it, a beautiful melody fallen flat on deaf, ghostly ears
i shiver
you were my understander, my heart
and i live my life as a prayer to you
always

and a string pulls me back, tugging my wings shut with a sigh
making it just too hard to leave
how am i so reluctant all of a sudden?
i was past ready, my longing to fly off overripe
but a sweet song, an invisible tie,
floating on the melancholy of a mid-may moment of bliss,
wraps me in the warmth of staying home
i hate my timing
swoosh in the net and i am trapped
swimming pool eyes make walking away ache
springtime always made me sad because no one should be able to move on while i'm standing still,
but now i'm moments from a departure long overdue and i stop:
the edge of the cliff is my favorite place to live
it feels like walking down the aisle after a decade-long engagement just to find a boat waiting to carry you back to the beginning
i want to go
nothing ties me to "home" anymore,
my heart is packed away six feet underground
but it's bursting and gasping for air and begging to see light and
i want to stay

these are not my hands, they are my bow and arrows
they are my weapons, my self-defense, my fortified walls
they flex and bend and push and cradle and create and destroy
i find in them the source of my power
they're the brave ones, tracing down my thoughts when my lips are too cautious to speak
they're the proud ones, delicately vain as they sketch the skeletons of beauty onto dusty piano keys
when i am empty and numb they stir a spoon in a cup of tea and wait for me to feel something
when i am shaking with a great and terrible anger they clench and unclench and clench and unclench and clench and unclench and heal
my hands are my heroes
and they are my villains
i control the volume in my palms because sometimes it gets loud and because sometimes my heartache is deafening and because sometimes i need to drown in the thumping, the crashing, the assault of my fingers on the unassuming ivory
and because sometimes i wallow in my self pity and because sometimes it feels good to be surrounded by the quiet sound of my tears on my cheeks
from my fingertips to my wrist i am a goddess, all slender bone and delicate veins snaking under taut, soft skin
i feel capable and lovable and just able, just pure, when i crack my knuckles before returning to my writing
it is easy to forget that aphrodite could cause catastrophe too, that her face (my hands) were more than just pretty and decorative
i remember each hit
each poke
each grasp
each clench
each stretch
each caress
each punch
and i love them like my children
the pain i've brought, from my right hand to my left forearm and from my left hand to someone else's right cheek and everything in between, it is with me always like the scars i've left and i could hate myself
so easily
but in the aftermath of my earthquake, i love my power
comfort is knowing that i'm a straight shot
that my bow and arrows can execute what odysseus did
comfort is knowing that i'm a *****
that i unnerve those that deserve it and dethrone the prideful queen
so i sleep peacefully even when i don't sleep

together our family was a flower
              and petals got ripped off
                              and now we're pressed and preserved and dead in a
                                               photo album

some of us are dead, another body in a grave and an x-ed out name on a family tree
some of us are alive, carrying on and telling the stories of who we were with wet eyes and crumpled hearts

we have burns and scars and bruises and still, even in the funeral-home-quiet of our messy souls, we breathe again, another generation of loud and emotional and freckled kids following us

in the wake of loss and ache and everything raw, life proves its beauty once again: we are our darkest moments, the genetic disease we pass to our children
but we are our brightest, too, and we hold each other as we create from the ashes