i thought i was done with him.
our friendship disintegrated and he poisoned the waters between us
because i loved him, which is my fault, and i tried to tell him
(which is my fault)
but he was so cruel and i know that isn't my fault.
he hurt me in the worst way
and i thought it would make me crumble but
i stand still and i hope still and i love still.
in a weird turn of events,
god sent me something new
right when i needed a distraction.
and i feel my heart growing fond for this new boy
but part of it is still aching for this old boy.
i wish i could push him away forever, if only because that seems to be what he wants
but there's this movie about love that i watched
and it changed me forever,
and the character faced the same dilemma i did
except his outcome was a happy one (at first)
"is it better to speak or to die"
and he spoke, so i spoke,
and everything fell to pieces around me,
and now i can't watch that movie without remembering him
you know, him. california.
i remember how much my fingers itched to be on him at all times,
and how much my stomach flipped when he came close.
sloppy drunk kisses that meant the world to me.
i remember how i still love him
and how i can't let him leave me
even though he hurts me, even though someone better came.
i think our story ends like the movie does:
sitting in front of a fire, tears and acceptance.
the world keeps spinning and my heart will have to keep beating,
even if she doesn't really want to sometimes.
i will have to go on.
some days will be cloudy but i think i'll survive.
after all, god knows i've seen worse.
our story ends without a resolution and i think that's okay,
because i think the closure would be less satisfying anyway.
there is no happy ending because
he doesn't love me like i love him, or at all, and that ***** now
but i know someone will love me ten times better someday and
maybe when they make a movie of our story it'll have a sequel.
or maybe not, and i have to be okay with that.
my california vacation has to end.
call me by your name breaks me down every single time. a ******* masterpiece.