The only part of my day
That I look forward to
Is when I go to bed
And lay there making up scenarios
In my head.

I think of comebacks
To 8th grade bullies.
I think of witty retorts
To my mother's snide comments.
I think of intelligent things to add
To conversations I had months ago.

I think of all the things
I was too scared to say.

And in my mind
I say them.
And pretend how things would be different
If only I had the courage to speak.

I'm scared
And the only way to escape anxiety
is to get rid of the fear.
But I can't,
I'm lacking confidence-
I'm all thoughts but no action.

My father left me
he's gone
I don't know what kind of person he was
I don't know how he would've talked to me
I don't know what his touch would've felt like
I don't know what he would've said to my friends

But I know his absence is the reason
this anxiety lives inside of me

anxiety is not a disease
it is not a condition
it is a feeling

a feeling that can be replaced*

I just wish I overcame it
before it found a comfy
place to call its home

Now I struggle
and old memories
taunt me from afar

Life is moving on
and **** I'm *always scared

as the darkness manifests inside
her heart gives out a cry,
it attempts to erupt,
it attempts to destroy,

the darkness is no joke,
it tears you apart,
you cannot escape,
you cannot hear a voice,
you cannot make a sound,

the darkness has decided to stay,
to corrupt,
to slowly,
ever so slowly,

bring you down on your knees,
to make you bow before it,
to make you kiss the ground,

because the darkness isn't a joke,
because the darkness arrived,
because the darkness decided to manifest it's self inside.

because the darkness took away your voice,
because you cannot hear a cry,

*save me

I am sorry.
I am sorry for being a bother
I am sorry for being unreliable
I am sorry for not being the friend that you needed,
for not being the guy who's always there for you.
I was so insensitive back then, and I didn't realize
that I was mentally hurting you.
It made me cry for days. I missed the times we speak, we laugh,
we touch.
You held my heart, and I thought you were the one, but you dropped it and never came back because of the stupid things I did.
I learned from the stupid mistakes I made
and saw a new life, a more significant life.
You helped me opened my eyes to a new reality that changed the future of my past self.
I am grateful, I truly am.
Words cannot describe how happy I was.
Stephanie, Thank you

I.

No, don't go now. Please
don't go now; the fog is creating ghosts
out of people and we're breathing clouds out of our mouths.
Tell me about that time when you held your breath
under the lake for six years and still survived;
tell me how if I do that, it'll never work.
I'm not a sea God
any more.

II.

My knees tell better stories than my tongue
ever did, please don't; wretched hive harangues
the mind in a plague, can't you see I'm holding you down
and telling you you're all I ever wanted,
you're all I ever wanted; your head is the stuff of dreams
you're all I ever wanted; you can put your arm
right through me and only feel mist;
I am fog. I'm creating ghosts out of you.

III.

Make it up to me in a rainbow of hues of grey;
at the end of it I'm holding my ribs open. I've never
been more colourful and sad at the same time.
You're the mirrors to my house; stay
has always sounded better than don't go

yet neither seems to work anymore.

Despite the heart which is froze
Hatred runs fluidly
Like the water in shattered glass
Like the blood in broken bones
Like the flames in our homes    
This hatred
It speaks to me
Like drugs to an addict

When it tells me to shoot
                                         I relapse and
                                       aim for the sky

I said..
In spite of my own humility
Hatred runs deeply
Like the roots beneath the dirt
Like the pain beyond the hurt
Like this poem before your eyes

I despise 
                Way too many lies
                And so little truth  

I said..
I hate beautiful  
It cripples me deeply  
For you are my pity
My pain and their pleasure

When I am high
                           I'll collapse and fall
                        Far from this place
                        Of rotten bliss

I said..
Look at me        
Blood misrepresents me    
For I am cut differently
This pain isn't felt
Like the emptiness
Residing in your cup
It is felt
Like a toxic
Living inside the gut
Like these words
Traveling directly
Towards the stomach

I mean..
             Although this addiction kills me
           Hatred is also the remedy
          It is all I need to truly appreciate
          The little love I have left.