he says to me,
i remember when i was young.
i stood under the bridge
and watched as cars passed above me;
i stood there, alone
with my fishing rod,
waiting.
i waited and longed
to one day be able
to afford more than
a fishing rod.
now, i am fifty years old.
i have more money
than i ever imagined;
i can buy
more fishing rods
than i have fingers.
but i want you to see,
when you watch the cars pass above you;
let them go.
let them pass ahead,
all you need
is what is in your hands already.
because you can't be buried
with a car
with a house;
you can't take money
to the grave.
to live simply,
that is the bridge
between life and death
to the nirvana.

Little one, I thank the world you were found
Without you here I was so lost
My feet never belonged so firmly on the ground
You always knew that little one

The monochrome world wears black
They mourn you there
Sigh sadly, wipe tears and look back
They grieve for you little one

You colour in my dreams
You are wishing on birthday candles
The world isn't always as it seems
So you make it bigger little one

I always see you in the sky
In strokes of orange and swirls of pink
You are the passion burning in their eyes
Don't let them forget you little one.

Fear
So complete and so overwhelming;
Nothing else can be felt.

The room that surrounds me is too small
The white washed walls closing in
It is a cave from which I cannot see the mouth.
The darkness is engulfing me fast
The light is disappearing fast
It is a whirlwind of shadows and fading voices
The reality is blurring, in its place
A distorted nightmare stitches itself
Like black, thick treacle it slowly slides into my ear drum
A wild hyena laugh
It’s here.

The air is painfully thin.
Every withering gasp becomes shallower
My lungs are shrinking
They are red balloons
Punctured by sharp, shining needles
Deflating, they push out the oxygen
Drawing in the black charcoal
My chest feels so heavy
The smoke suddenly solidifying
I can’t breathe.

I am trapped.
Isolated and alone
My body a steel prison
I lie helplessly on its foreign, metallic floor
The cold cuts into me
My bones freezing over slowly,
I can’t move.

The ice is a barrier between me and the outside
Carving the figures into unfamiliar shapes
I do not know this place
I am a child lost in a funfair.
The world clumsily stumbles in front of me
A million joyous colours and noises bleeding together
Forming one screaming siren
It yells “PANIC, PANIC, PANIC”
A rhythmic repeating chant
Blaring and bright
I’m drowning in its wails.

My body jitters like an old wood coaster
Jerking, swaying under a heavy weight
I try to stop it but it is out of my control now
The cart has left the station

The hyena laugh again trickles into my ears
Growing louder and louder
It morphs into a crazed clowns cackle
Howling at my failed attempts
My palms start to shake,
They cling to my arms as I rock back and forth
Trying desperately to make it stop
Why won’t it stop?
Why won’t it end?

My heart starts to speed
Beating so fast, it hammers against my glass ribs
It is deafening.
Like footsteps pounding the pavement
Running crazily to try escape
Terrified of the monster cowering over its shoulder
Painted face, disguised, its screeches surround me.
I trip and fall, knees grazing and legs shaking
I cry like a little girl to her mother
“Make it stop”, I whimper.
The monster towers over me.

From aside me, an arm leans into my cave.
It whips off the monsters mask.
Nothing is there.

I wish
But wishes are for dreamers

they cover my face from forehead to chin
they rest in the most uncomfortable creases
they are red as a rash
and big enough as a bug bite
they stick out, they lie under my skin
they hurt and they sting when I try to scrub them clean
i’ve tried washes, creams, pills,
special oils, face masks, lotions,
the works
i don’t like the mirror because it makes me look at
these things that take up half my face
i don’t like to take pictures when my face isn’t clear
and makeup just makes it worse
i don’t like to go out
because I know others are watching
and wonder how someone could be so ugly
these pimples just don’t go away
no matter what I do
so please, if you meet me
and want to give some advice
i’d much rather you not
because, you see
i’ve already tried it all
and please do not utter that phrase
for I surely will blow up in flames
”oh stop acting like it’s such a big deal”
try living as me for a day
and you will see
that this feeling of dread
about the bumps on your face
never goes away
and you will surely see
that you look like this
and they look like that
and I promise you wouldn’t want to be me

The rush
The violence
Insolence
Depression
Ruling our world
Hearts being pulled
And conquered by hate
**** isn’t this great
Go ahead and eat
What’s on your plate
You fixed this meal
So don’t complain
When your wounds won’t heal
Because you picked your scabs
From the places you stabbed
Except this you
That I keep referring too
Isn’t just one soul
Because each of us know
In our own hearts
That we have played our part
In the madness of this world
So why isn’t love being poured?
And kids being nurtured
Instead of silently tortured
Inside some home
Where love has never been shown
Nothing here is fair
So when are we gonna rise up
And actually care?

I may not be your
cup of tea
but
for
others
I might be
everything that
fills a cup and more