you
you
you
you
you
really
mess me up
inside.

come back around
back around
and around
running rushing racing
through my mind
through my mind
through my mind your own business
"This does not concern you"
we tell all the children
as we shut the door
on their little fingers
they hold in the pain
in the pain
in the paying my dues
as I leave this old place
as I walk out on you
won't you come back around
back around
and around
and around back to me.
Please don't leave.

It seems the time has come to tell you
To fill you in
To let you know
My little secret.

I've been keeping something from you
That perhaps you already know.
But now that you're leaving
And my heart is crumbling
I want to share my all with you.

I love you,
My dear.
But not only in the way
That you've learned
To love me back.

It's more than that.

I fell in love with you,
Like in the story books.
With the fluttering in my belly
And the inability to form
Logical, clever, conversation.

You thought it was cute
Said it was endearing
You gave me a kiss
And you set my heart reeling.

You changed my life my dear.
I've told you so before.
You opened my eyes to who I am
And despite my desperate trying,
I fell in love with you.

So I apologize for all of the kisses I stole
And for all of the playful looks you gave
That I didn't deserve.
I'm sorry I lead myself on.
And that I broke my own heart.
And I'm sorry that a part of me
Blames you for that.

I wish I could go back
And stop this before it happened,
But it was inevitable.
If it wasn't one thing,
It would have been another.

So I'm sorry.
That I fell in love
With more than just our friendship.
And I'm sorry, that I have to see you go.

But I wish you all the best in your
Endeavors.
And I pray that you forgive me
For all of this.

Goodbye.

for you fly
my love
my life
my heart

fly me far from here
send my heart back home
a sickness in my gut
don't leave me here alone.

you took me with you
in bits and pieces
falling all over the place

for my love is leaving
i gift you my heart

You want for me to come to you
Least that is what you said.

But if I were to go there
Then do tell me,
Would we wed?

For I won't give my heart away
To those who'll leave it dead.

So take a risk
And leave your home.
Come here to me instead.

I no longer know
How to breathe.

You're leaving.
I'm not handling it well.
I've forgotten how to
Exhale.

perhaps if I just
hold my breath
this moment will never
end
And you will never
Leave me.

I love you more
                                                            ­                  
{In each and every way}

Than you could ever imagine
Or accept.

You cannot remove me
From who I am
No matter how hard
You try.

I am my own.
You are not me.

The wind brushes her hair from her pale cheek
He glances her way.
It's cold out now but she brings her fingers to her wrists and
Slowly,
Carefully,
Pulls up her sleeves.

He turns away from her
And resumes his duties
Of making sure no
Emotions escape from his world.

She reveals all of the love and loss
On her arms
In the form of
Tattoos
And
Bruises
And
Scars.

Words he wrote.
Things he whispered in her ears late at night
When he thought she was sleeping.
She wasn't sleeping.
Not since that first
"I love you"
Left his lips.

It slipped past his chain link fences
And broke through his bolted doors
That he locked around
His heart
And
His hands.
"Don't let me touch her."
He tells himself
"Don't do it,
That'll be the end."

She glances at him now,
Eyes glassy,
Arms naked,
And makes her way over
To rest by his side.

He offers a polite smile
A visible form of
"Hello, goodbye."
She doesn't take it.
Not this time.

He pulls his cuffed hands closer to him
As she places her fingers
On his temples,
And now moves them downward
To his cheeks,
Now his jaw,
Now his mouth.

And as they lock eyes
Every other thing unlocks
And they fall to the ground
In a crash.

The sound of letting go
Wakes them up from their dream land
And they find themselves
Next to one another
Once again.

By the side of her coffin
As she's slowly lowered under
The ground where she stood
When the wind brushed her hair
From her pale
Dead
Cheek.

Please love me
Forever again
Like that.

So sweet and pure
And nothing more
You'd never break
A heart.

So simple
So sadistic.
Satirical and
Sad.

A storm of emotions it
Seems I'm going mad.

I told.
Someone.
I told them.
Who I am.
How I feel.
About you I mean.

That's right.
You don't know.
That's okay.
Let's just leave it.
That way.

But have you ever loved someone
So completely
That every time they left you
They took some of you with them?

Oh how terrible it is
When they do not love you back.
None of them is left to fill you
You're just empty
And you're broken
And you're entirely in love
And there's nothing left at all
To fill you up again.

When you come crashing down
You take everything I need and love
With you.

Please let me be your crutch dear.
Please let me hold you up.
Please don't leave me.

Slipping into what we once were.
I thought that we had parted,
Finally found each other within ourselves.
I prayed for an ending and wished for forever.
But I never thought that you'd come back around.

Arm in arm with your lover,
I whisk you off your feet now,
And we're falling and we're flying from this place.
And we're tossing
And we're turning
And it seems I'm quickly learning
That I cannot win
This never-ending
Chase.

And you're running
And I'm crawling
"I see those tears of laughter falling!"
You giggle as you turn and shut the door.
But if you look into my eyes dear,
You'll see no exclamation
As there is no joy,
Just sadness on this face.

I say
"I love you"
And you smile,
But I cry because I mean it.
No there's nothing I can do
To set us free.

Because I'm caught up in your eyes, love,
As you blush and turn them from me,
I know you saw some honesty
In that last glance.

Give me a chance.
Just kiss me once more
On the lips
Or brow
Or shoulder.
You whisper that you're nervous
But you do it all the same.

Give me a chance
To show you once more
Why never should you leave me
And I'll whisk you off your feet,
Falling, flying us away.

Give me a chance
To hold you longer,
Just a couple moments longer,
Before "arm in arm with your lover"
Is your permanent address.

Give me a chance
Because I love you
And you're running
But I'm crying
While we're falling,
We'll be flying,
As we're
Tossing
Turning
Slipping
Into what we always were.

I haven't been able
To love you long enough

To let you leave.

She wears his clothes now,
His shirt drapes down her shoulders.
Says she'll never change.

I miss

My
Family
Of
Friends

And my
Free time.

I don't know what to say anymore.
She's gone.
Just now
Out of my reach.
That feeling of falling
Is all too real.

Now hitting me that
She's leaving.
Now hitting me she'll
Be gone.
Now killing me
Because
She already
Is.

She's been gone some time now.
And what can I do?
Why didn't I think this all through?
I couldn't keep her trapped up,
Held back,
Locked in forever.
I couldn't keep her all
To myself.

But now she's gone.
So what's it really matter.
I lost my chance,
I left my chance,
She took my chance,
She's gone.

And he wouldn't care
If she stopped working so hard
Stopped spending those hours
Primping
Prepping
Practicing
To gain his attention.
To catch that single moment
To pray she stays on his mind.
And he wouldn't care
What she does,
She's all beauty to him
In the little things.

Oh baby
You are beautiful
Baby
Baby
So, so beautiful
Don't you worry
Baby
Baby
Don't you worry
How you look.

And it's all looking like home again.
Those broken pieces found their place
In line again
In time again
They found their way.
Through it all the things fighting against them
Playing on their sadness
They brought it back from nothing.
They remembered who they were
And who they could be.
Now they're falling down together
Now they're falling down forever
Now they're falling back in love
And it's all looking like home
Again.

You want me to write for you
But what can I say?
There are no words I can put onto paper
That will not open your eyes
To the things that I have kept hidden
For so long.

And I'm all ******* again.

You just don't get it.
I can't feed this addiction to you
Anymore
Because it's breaking me down.

You want to read my pages
But they're riddled with you
And you want to see my words
But they're all just your name.

And I need to learn to speak up
For myself.

That feelin's coming back again
But baby don't you worry

Baby
Baby
Don't you worry

Don't you
Worry
Worry
Any.

You knew this day was coming.

That thought of slowly losing

Of falling
Failing
Choosing

Between one life and another

You knew this day would come.

But baby don't you worry

Baby
Baby
Don't you worry
Not your pretty little heart.
Not you.

You knew this day was coming
So
Baby
Baby
Don't you
Worry

Don't you
Worry
Worry
Worry
Any
More.

Beautiful, beautiful people
They play upon my mind.
The taste they bring about
Like the sweetest caramel from
My favorite candy store,
Which I visit weekly.
Much like these beautiful, beautiful
People.

These beautiful, beautiful people
To my left and to my right.
How can you expect me to get work done
While they're standing by my side?
Their electric smiles light up the room
And I use their glow to read.
To read upon the pages of their lives and all their longings.
To learn and once to study
All the movements of their bodies.
Like music as they're walking,
As they're sitting
Breathing
Talking.
Like music from their beautiful, beautiful
Souls.

And is it so surprising
That we have Michelangelo's David
With his Sistine Chapel and statue of one man.
We can all give recognition to
Leonardo Da Vinci
With his stunning Mona Lisa
And her beautiful, beautiful
Smile.

So please do not berate me
As I gaze upon your shoulders
As your hips are making movements,
Telling stories on the streets.
I simply cannot help it,
All these beautiful, beautiful people
They's never cease to be
The only thing upon my mind

And there's just no escape
From this hold that you have on me
I'm so sick of feeling this way.

Stuck somewhere between
Being friends and being lovers,
You've clearly chosen your place.

I can't control you
And I will not try to
You should never be contained,
No, not you.

So I will just look on
While you are with another
And I will not steal you
Away.

I can't live with you
I can't write without you
I try not to miss you
But miss everything about you.

Don't forget my loving,
My longing or my coveting.
Don't forget my loving
Of you.

Your face was so familiar to me,
Having seen it when I closed my eyes.
But now my sight is fading
And with it your affection
Leaves my lips.

It used to be you
Who'd initiate kisses.

But now it's just me,
Desperately trying
To regain your
Affection.

We don't like to fight
So we just go to sleep
We pretend it's all a dream
And we don't wake up until we
Believe it.

Merry f*cking Christmas
And everyone's drunk.
All spirits are dim
And my heart has near sunk.

I need no explanation for why your kiss is on my lips.
Let's pretend that it's for him.
Let's say it's all in fun.
Your words can't change my feelings.
There is no trouble here.
If it's for him I'll see it
But it feels like it's for me.
And I can close my eyes for days and feel you on my cheek.
And I can rest my eyes for weeks and feel you next to me.
Whatever be the reason that you found your lips on mine.
I'll take it in with laughter
And then I'll drink it down.
It'll build up deep inside me and you'll never find it here.
Because while our lips are making small talk in the space between our cheeks
Your eyes may wander towards him
But I'm nursing my addiction to your second-hand love
And it's never going to end
And I don't care.

They love us for our madness and they view it all as play.
And as long as you all see it
Then it's not some form of secret.
And I don't have to speak of it with shame.
I kissed you. And you kissed me.
I kissed you and I loved it.
And nothing needs to come in to ever take me from it.
Unhealthy or unstable frankly I don't give a ****.
I need this in me right now and your smile washes it down.
With every single moment I keep it in my mind
And remember when I'm writing all those times that I was special.
Bubbles and weddings and cigarettes.
And every passing moment.
I'm drunk on all these memories.
They feed on my addiction and I will kindly let them.
I'm coming out and I don't give a **** for who will judge me.
I love him and I love you and nobody can stop me.
So kiss my lips just one more time and let this all sink in.
Please come a little closer let me try.
Give me equal reign of the situation.
And I'll pull your pretty eyes away from his.
And he'll start to question why you cannot see him.
And you'll start to question why you're wanting more.
And when you come right back around to see me.
I'll kiss you like you've never been kissed before.
Watch me.

I still see you, you know.
When I close my eyes.

How did I fall in love with you like this?
How can you fall in love without even knowing it?
Without being in control?
That shouldn't be allowed.
Please, cut it out of me.

It's not right, loving you.
Not this way.
Not with everyone looking on
Thinking we're just friends.
Not with you
Thinking we're just friends.
Not with me
Pretending we're just friends.
Lying to myself every time I see you
Every time I hear your name
Every time you cross my mind.
**** you for always being on my mind.
On my stupid stupid mind.
I'm so obsessed.

Perhaps it's best you move away.
Perhaps it's best you find me odd.
Perhaps it's best you keep your distance
Your distance from me.

I'm no good for this thing we have
These absent minded kisses
They said don't fall in love with you
But I can't
I can't
Help it.

Even when I pretend that you hate me
Even when I play it out in my head
You far far away, never to see me again
I still feel the same.
I can't get rid of you.
I can't.

And it's killing my work
It's killing my college
It's killing my spirit
It's killing my fun.
Oh what to do today?
Something productive?
Or shall I daydream of you?
As if I could reason with myself in that way.

You're all there ever was in me.
You're what I've waited for.
And how absolutely perfect it is
To miss my chance
TO NEVER HAVE IT
How could I have it.
I just can't have it.
I can't.

**** you.
I love you.
**** you.

You have no idea what it does to me
When you call my name.
When you look my way
When you put that smile
On your face.

You have no idea.
Have no idea.
No idea.
What you do.

Love
Love
Love me.

My dear
My dear.

I talk to myself sometimes.

I'll just be sitting in the car and I'll strike up a conversation with myself.
And sometimes I can be harsh. I just need to stop fighting myself, you know? Because if I'm not on my side then who will be.

I have so much confidence and I'm always so sure of myself. I never bring myself down. But every once in awhile, I'll get to talking to me. And I'll ask myself if everything is alright. And I start to cry you guys. I cry to myself. Because I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself. Because if I'm not honest with myself then who will be?

"Hey hey, why are you crying?"
'I'm not doing so well.'
"I can see that my dear but what's wrong. You're so very sweet and pretty and kind. You have plenty of friends and wonderful mind. Whatever could make you so sad?"
'Oh my god stop rhyming that's stupid. No one needs that right now.'
"Okay yeah sorry that was dumb. But you stopped crying so that's good."
'Yeah haha I guess so. Man I'm pathetic. Something is just off about me.'
"Again? Why? I thought we were all sure of ourself and confident and stuff."
'Yeah, so did I. What happened? Why am I so unhappy? '
"You miss who you used to be. You need to stop dodging that."
'I know. How did I lose myself. Why did I do that? This isn't me.
Fancy hair and all these clothes. Since when do you care about how you look? I mean, you look great but you're trying way too hard. That's  not like you.'
"Well, none of these things are bad. They're just different. Sometimes different is good."
'I know. And I'm trying to remember that. But it's hard. It was so much easier before. Before I found out more about who I am. Before I realized that there are some things about me that other people may not like.'
"Yeah, you've always wanted to have people like you."
'Stupid right? It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks right?'
"It shouldn't, but it does. To you. To us. And that's okay. But we can't let it get to us like this. It shouldn't make us cry."
'I know. God why do you have to be the reasonable part of me? I feel so whiny.'
"Sorry."
'It's okay. I just need to be me. If I can find out who I am again. So much has changed. How do I know what's really me?'
"This is you. Who else would write all of this **** down and show it to the world."
'No one I guess. This is pretty stupid.'
"**** right it's stupid. It's really dumb. They probably think you're insane. Talking to yourself is one thing but writing to yourself?"
'Okay I get it stop. You're making me feel bad again.'
"Sorry."
'We gotta get our **** together. What do we do.'
"I don't know. We'll be fine for a few days and all of a sudden we'll be off again. Everyone is worried. And I don't think they're going to stop asking you what's wrong. When you got back from that family trip your sister practically thought you were suicidal. They're worried Christina. And honestly, so am I. We're not like this. And you know what caused this."
'I know.'
"You need to fix it."
'I can't.'
"I know."
'Hey hey, why are you crying?'
"I'm not doing so well."

I've learned so much from you.

I've learned that I can fall in love repeatedly.
With your eyes
With you lips
With your smile
With your laugh.
I can fall in love however I want.
Because this love
Is mine.

Falling out of love
Is not always a bad thing.

"They'll find a way back to you miss."

If you are reading this, I apologize.
I didn't want you to discover me in this way.
I didn't want you to discover me at all.

I thought that I could go on lying to myself,
To continue with this facade,
But I just can't do it anymore.

And I don't know how to 'come out'
In the way that I should
And I'm not even sure if I want to.

But if you're reading this
Then I suppose you already know.
I am who I am, and I can't change that.

I don't know how to write anymore.
I'm trying to think of what to say in order to get my thoughts across in the way I want them to be known but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm failing. And I don't care anymore if I do fail. Go ahead Christina. Mess things up real good. As if you're not already *******. I'm sure your conservative Christian borderline homophobic family will never find out that you're bisexual. And I'm sure that your friend will never find out that you love her. And your boyfriend won't care that you try to dream of her every night. You'll be just fine after you fail this test in the morning and then go further into debt paying for classes that you don't care about. Don't even worry about money, as if you know what that is. Congratulations on scoring the worst paying job. Yup. You can do this. You can **** at everything. You can mess it all up. You can disappoint the world. At least you can do one thing right. Failing.

I'm trying to get away
Get away from my love.
I'm trying to rid my heart
Of you.

But you call my name
And you pull me back in
With your sweet smile
And your cigarette.

We pretend that we don't need them,
That we just have them for show,
But we both know we're dependent.
At least I know that you are.

You pull it to your lips
And I play off my jealousy
For that sip of nicotine
As if I don't wish that
It were me on your mouth.

And I'm trying to get away,
I know you're no good for me.
But your eyes bring me back
And I'm all ******* again.

You just don't get it.
I can't feed this addiction to you
Anymore.
Because it's breaking me down.

You want to read my pages,
But they're riddled with you.
And you want to see my words,
But they're all just your name.

And I need to learn to speak up
For myself.

Staring into darkness
Hoping to see stars
But there's
Nothing
Nothing
There.