Is that all there is?
I'm in wooden canoe sliding down perfect green grass
riding the little uneven dips
yet rolling down smoothly
but the tide comes in
when we're nowhere near the coast
but hey-** that's what the canoe's built for
the tide pushes us down mountainous sliding terrain
my back aches and my mouth is dry from screaming
my fingers tightly ache
this can't be it
all that remains is me and this hideous keyboard
typing out things that never make sense
i cannot understand what i am fighting for
what dinosaur is after me
I'm a caveman with a fully stocked fridge and roof over my head
the survival instincts are alive and well
and yet...
I've achieved everything but nothing at all
I have nothing to show for it
Just a desperate desire to not be wrong again
Not to disappoint people anymore
And be a friend worth having
No way that's it
a too-eventful childhood and adolescence, a politician's scheduled teenagedom and a painfully mediocre twenties
health and wellbeing sacrificed just for a bachelor's
failure after failure in a master's
all to just have one 'unsuccessful' after another in my inbox
and endless promises to my family that I am unable to make good
I thought my people pleasing could at least land me a retail job
but here I am, leading the blind
at the cusp of sitting the hardest exam I'll ever do
and physically and emotionally dead inside
the law I fell in love with
the freedom of learning
my brain's hemispheres turning on their sides and the rainbow eclipsing them
taught me to fight even with endless red tape
there's always something more
only to end up with the door slammed in my face everywhere I turn
I am worse off than I started
the only difference is the stakes are higher
and with every birthday I am too old to not be financially independent
with every birthday comes theirs
and I cannot take anymore
we are all getting old now
I don't know what I like or who I am anymore
I am eternally lost
and I don't know how to write anymore
maybe I missed the boat
I rolled down the hill when I should've walked
that's all there is

my dear
I love you
what else is there to possibly say
you don’t need it and I can’t give it
and so I bleed
you flourish
all is right in the world
and I have my love to thank

When you fall in love for the first time
You won’t even know it’s happening
The dancing streets, heels against cobblestones
The glow of the lampposts
Things you wouldn’t even whisper
You are now ready to exclaim
The whole world is spinning and yet
It is perfectly still
In this great, big universe
It is just two sets of eyes
And the landmarks we created

The park benches where we were honest for the first time
Where you made sure i was okay before we got up
The truth can do that to you -
Knock the wind out of your sails

Or the first time we touched each other on purpose
I linked your arm with mine
And i could feel the stars burning above us
And the moon sneaking a glance
As we ‘forgot’ all about it
And you walked me home

The first time i went to that pizza place
I only joined you because we had things to discuss
Not for your company, why of course not
With every laugh
It became harder to think of a reason that i hated you in the first place

I thought only  i experienced the clock ticking slower
Every second you weren’t with me
But the calls and the texts
And the exasperated “where were you”s put that all to rest

So i made the leap
And served my heart on a silver platter
Full, beating and red
And i watched you watch it beat blue and gasp

But  now time doesn’t seem to pass at all when we’re together
And everytime we’re alone we wait for someone to join us;
our desperate eyes search, pleading with anyone to end our suffering
I watch you when i used to run to you
And i miss you when i see you every single day

I love you
But i can’t do this anymore
We can’t even pretend to be friends properly
I remember what you said
Believe me, every word
But I felt us that night
We saw each other for the first time
I don’t think I’ve ever had that with anyone
And despite what you say
I don’t think you have either

Strangers think we’re in love
Your friends and my friends
Steal glances every time we look at each other
We weren’t alone
It felt like it was just us
But everyone got to witness
The way we were
I didn’t stop smiling for three months

I miss you
I miss your honesty
I was trying to break down a wall
And you threw open the gates
Now i can’t even see the wall anymore

I’m on the outside looking in
Losing what we had was hard enough
I wasn’t prepared to lose you as a friend
I don’t think i’ll ever be
but we haven’t been friends for ages
So who are we kidding
I knew this didn’t need a dramatic close
You don’t need me to take a bow

So I was ready to watch you from afar
Having you in my rearview was better than not having you at all
But just as I take my first breaths
You hook yourself on
And I have to learn all over again

I refuse to do this anymore
We are not friends
You didn’t have to admit anything because i wasn’t prepared to lose you
But it’s time
For this ship to sail
You are losing me.

The deafening overwhelm of nothing
When the credits fade
Or the note hits its final crescendo
The “thank you for watching”
soundwaves enter your eardrums
Your surroundings stare back, begging you to pay attention
The clothes piles
The ***** dishes
Dust on shelves and countertops
Everywhere is clutter
Walking is a landmine
Suddenly it hits:
You can’t tell the difference between now and five days ago
You know that something aches
Maybe the chemical imbalance, maybe the loss of an old friend
It could even be everything
But it’s definitely something
I can feel it every time I wake up and I smother myself back to sleep
sometimes I won't even let myself use the bathroom
But there’s plans in the diary
And an exciting life laying the footpath ahead of me
And yet
The silence blasts in my ears
And sores my eyes
Hollowing me inside
I’ve always been like this
I just don’t know if I have it in me
To roll up my sleeves
And try again.

Oh what a privilege,
to have known you.
I will carry a piece of you,
in my heart forever.

Only in complete solitude
Does it rear its ugly head
It thrives in the environment of the loving
heart on the sleeve ready to be yours before you even ask
No part of them is really theirs
It's in a temporary holding awaiting their retrieval
But then
The footsteps tickling possibility
The whispers never have a chance to kiss the raindrops
Because furrowed brows relax
And the growls blossom into a wonderful laughter
the kind of laugh that used to house your peace
Has now been transferred to a prison that you can never seem to reach
A route only he knows
The map in ink that his eyes can see when the evil subsides
but it won't
So the map remains a paper
and the laugh becomes the grounding feeling of fear
the fear houses you long after he's gone
in search for fear you hunt the prison
but she's being ravaged by the maggots in the soil
as the hunt continues for something you don't even know the name of
The walls reach the heights of the heavens
But there is only more room to grow.

So close
so far
A maybe
Those sunlit oceans
He dares to call eyes
Looked into mine
All the time
Or perhaps because there wasn’t a day we didn’t talk
Even if there wasn't anything to say
For me, there was always so much
Or when we didn’t we hated each other
Or that the notion that i hated myself was so ******* unfathomable
Or the teasing
And the incessant laughter
Or when he was so close
If i breathed the wrong way i could’ve kissed him
And if i close my eyes a little too long
It happens all the time
Or how he never forgot anything i told him
Or how it was impossible to not smile
Even during that time
But it was probably because I wanted him to be mine
So ****** badly
When he was married
And she was pregnant
And none of those things mattered
Because every ******* time i was with him
I felt like i was on drugs
The sun shone brighter
And life was better
Even though alone I was trying to find the quickest way to die
I love him
I can’t look at anything from that time the same anymore
Even though we met eight years ago
And i haven't seen him in four
But there wasn’t a day where i didn’t think i might
At the mall
On the street
In the shops
In his city where he doesn’t even ******* live in anymore
When i'm walking
When i'm running
Dear God when will I be free
It’s an almost
I’m so close
I can't feel the same for anyone else
But at least i don't think about him everyday
I'll never be the person i was
But at least i’m not sobbing on the floor
Screaming in pain because he isn’t mine
I’m almost there