And bringing my mom flowers when she’s sad
I been chasing a high I’ll never feel again
While spending every dollar I’ve ever had
I’ve withered away to nothing
Scattered bruises cover every inch of my pale skin
Make up hides the tired black eyes
If only it could shade the feelings within
I’ve never felt a pain like this
The unknowing of my future
The friends who come to my funeral
Who say we tried to help her.
I’ve never felt so alone,
How can the person I love make me feel so unwanted
Maybe I’m just a temporary fix
An empty soul, forever haunted.
Shadows are real
they move when you don’t want them too
When you think your taking steps further away, and they slowly move closer towards you
Flash light and colors in your face, sending you signals
But I’m only human, don’t they know I’m not bilingual?
Or has the crack made me lucid
Feel the presence of the other side
Why did they choose to torture me?
Because I didn’t hide? Because I kept getting High?
Maybe because I was close
This devils dying to taste me, inching closer every time I crush his powder.
Making ticks on the clock louder, every minute of every hour.
Our connection was inevitable, I could tell how bad he wanted to break through
Enough for him to convince me,
crashing my car was how I’d get to you.
Your cheeky in the way you move
Fed on my weakness because you’d know I’d listen
But you’ve mistaken my blood shot eyes, for ones that glisten.
How could you think I’d be that easy?
I’m stronger than you realize, It insults me you mistook me for a phoney
You’ve been taunting me for years, how infuriating that your voices haven’t made me enough lonely
Your angry, losing patience in the divided line
But your poison kept me alive when it came down to my life and a telephone line
I’m a fool, not foolish. Near sighted, not blind
You made me weakest, gave false hopes on becoming yours and no longer mine
I’ve realized maybe you wanted me to meet my real demons
While they flashed red and blue in the taillight behind
I can’t decide if you wanted me at the bottom
As payment for my sins
Or gave me an opportunity to start solving all the real problems,
The ones from within.
I can’t find the right words yet.
I’m hoping this was our last dance
But I mean it when I say I met my maker
I know this time is my time, a real second chance.
Chest tube leaking blood from the side of my breast
Alone and uncertain
in a pale blue hospital dress
He told me he loves me
With a closed fist that felt like a loaded gun
cracking two ribs that must have argued with my lung
sign this waver
We’re running out of time
I wonder if he wouldof brought flowers to my grave.
If I didn’t write my name on that line
I want to keep my eyes clear so I can see the moon
I want to keep my eyes clear so my funeral won’t be an empty room
I want white around my pupils, meat between my bones and skin
And less green and purple patches from the bleeding within
I want clarity in my voice when my parents call
I want to be telling the truth behind the excuse that I didn’t mean to fall
I want the numbness to feel warmth, and my ears to stop ringing
I want to be sleeping every morning when the birds start singing
I want gentle love and passion from the man who has been my best friend
I want kept promises of our future, not threats of a near end
I want to stop talking in circles, never finishing a conversation
I want a life that has journeys but also has a destination
I need to keep my eyes clear, no high is worth chasing
I need to keep going even when all I can think about is escaping
These drugs will never love me back, they’d never chase me like I do them
Yet here I am begging for love to a man who makes me feel less than
I’m tired of running after things that don’t even notice if I’m there
This life is so painful unforgiving and unfair
It’s not your fault
You were raised broken
I don’t care about your town but I care about the words spoken
To you, or your siblings
When all they wanted was love
But they were stuck in a dark place where everything was unsure of
How do you agree to bring someone into this world
How does a mother try to trap a man knowing there relationship toxic
This YOUR BABY GIRL
how does a man agree to a baby when he knows he can barely take care of himself
Im so mad at this world, I wish I could be anywhere else.
I met women who have babies and made that her source of income
But that baby didn’t ask for a mother who had no plans to be one
Let me be clear when I say I don’t involve myself in politics
Because there’s flaws in every family, every future, every decision that makes me hurt for ALL people going through this.
There’s a stigma for the lower level of the Totum pole.
There’s a standard, an expectation, or a call of role
I think the world we live in today is a terrible place
I’m a single white female I dont see color and don’t judge circumstance based on your race
But we’re all in the wrong. Ain’t nothing easy anymore
I failed out of college and spend my days mopping floors.
I don’t blame the system for that because it’s on me.
But I blame the system for safety when things got scary, when ex boyfriends goes far enough to hurt my family.
I know there’s no rhyme or reason, there is absolutely no sense in believing in the law
But it took me fearing my life and realizing there isn’t ever anyone to call.
I was always different because I understood the people who lived in struggle and pain
My trauma is different, but the words I heard always felt the same
I still won’t understand how people could bring a child in this world
When they don’t have a long term plan for this little boy
Or little girl.
I wish I could understand why all of us are expected to feel pain
And I wish I could save every person whose words hurt worse or hurt the same.
This life is so unfair no matter the lengths you’ve felt it
But we all suffer in our own ways. I just hope you find the strength to never quit
#2020 #life #feels #race #equality #sad #hurt #love #neveralone #write #strength #power #family #mom #dad #kids #children
Got so much pain
Nothing like a bump or a double to get them to explain
Why they act tough or unavailable
But it always me who wants to hear the ramble
Of **** no one wants to listen too
Like no one will ever understand the **** they been through
I think it’s wild how everyone has struggled in there family
But think no one could ever relate to the drama they went through, and don’t know why they angry
Get an outlet to the pain, if your daddy beats you that **** changes you, don’t pretend to be the same
I think people relate to me because I’ll always be a mystery
Like why I’m open to listening to your past and never open to sharing my own history
I like being unknown cuz no matter what I go through Norhing feels like home
I came in this world on my own
It only makes sense why I always end up alone.