I can't sleep
Everytime I remember your words
They snap and recoil
And hurt me awake
Next time when someone
Promises me forever
I'll just smile
Look them in the eyes and ask
How long is forever to you.
Without my abuse
Who am I now
When drugs were my muse
Was I ever talented
Or just creative in addiction
I traded my emotions
For an anti depressant prescription
I want to be heard
I want my words to mean something more
than scribbles on a page
Or a hobby when I’m bored
There’s a message in my madness
If only I could see it myself
I’m in a tea cup spinning
Tossing fake news in a wishing well
I Wish I can understand these fleeting feelings
And why they hold so much power
Crave old hopeless romantic habits
A plastic rose in a glass stem was the closest to getting flowers
I think about the taste of that first hit in my dreams
The rush and the ringing in your ears
Why do I fantasize the good
When the high revolves around fear
Paranoia and voices crowd the room
It’d only be a matter of time till my demon came back too
I don’t miss our conversations
Did you know the devil talks back?
He reminds me of the rush in my dreams
hoping when I wake up I’ll crack
The high won’t be the same
Knowing how far I’ve come
I know my next overdose
Will be the one I don’t come back from
Tonight I will
Enjoy my bed
While you lay in yours
I wonder if you regret it all
After the first night when guards closed the doors
When you were on the inside
With absolutely nothing you could do
I still can’t believe the time has come
Punishment for the destruction that comes with you
I never thought it’d be real
You understanding what it feels like
To be a powerless prisoner
Giving everything you got- to still lose the fight
Do you lose sleep over me
Putting you where you belong
Do the voices in your head still tell you I’m in the wrong?
I wonder how many months
It will take to break your spirit
All you have is your thoughts
How many memories till you hear it
The muffled screams, my terrified eyes
Or are your memories filled with stories saying I’m the bad guy
Blaming your true colors on account of being high
While you looked down at me on the floor, beating me just enough not to die
Are you angry with me because I got away?
If you could see me tomorrow do you know what you would say?
I think you would walk right past me
Without even a look
Making me feel like I was nothing
It’s the biggest play from your book
I think about this often
If I had the chance, what would I say
I forgive you for making the biggest mistake of your life
Knowing I’m the one that got away
And bringing my mom flowers when she’s sad
I been chasing a high I’ll never feel again
While spending every dollar I’ve ever had
I’ve withered away to nothing
Scattered bruises cover every inch of my pale skin
Make up hides the tired black eyes
If only it could shade the feelings within
I’ve never felt a pain like this
The unknowing of my future
The friends who come to my funeral
Who say we tried to help her.
I’ve never felt so alone,
How can the person I love make me feel so unwanted
Maybe I’m just a temporary fix
An empty soul, forever haunted.
Shadows are real
they move when you don’t want them too
When you think your taking steps further away, and they slowly move closer towards you
Flash light and colors in your face, sending you signals
But I’m only human, don’t they know I’m not bilingual?
Or has the crack made me lucid
Feel the presence of the other side
Why did they choose to torture me?
Because I didn’t hide? Because I kept getting High?
Maybe because I was close
This devils dying to taste me, inching closer every time I crush his powder.
Making ticks on the clock louder, every minute of every hour.
Our connection was inevitable, I could tell how bad he wanted to break through
Enough for him to convince me,
crashing my car was how I’d get to you.
Your cheeky in the way you move
Fed on my weakness because you’d know I’d listen
But you’ve mistaken my blood shot eyes, for ones that glisten.
How could you think I’d be that easy?
I’m stronger than you realize, It insults me you mistook me for a phoney
You’ve been taunting me for years, how infuriating that your voices haven’t made me enough lonely
Your angry, losing patience in the divided line
But your poison kept me alive when it came down to my life and a telephone line
I’m a fool, not foolish. Near sighted, not blind
You made me weakest, gave false hopes on becoming yours and no longer mine
I’ve realized maybe you wanted me to meet my real demons
While they flashed red and blue in the taillight behind
I can’t decide if you wanted me at the bottom
As payment for my sins
Or gave me an opportunity to start solving all the real problems,
The ones from within.
I can’t find the right words yet.
I’m hoping this was our last dance
But I mean it when I say I met my maker
I know this time is my time, a real second chance.