The biological drive can force you to eat
But that doesn't mean her mind is all well and neat

I wish I could say
That I don't struggle every day

But most days I do.

For the negativity in my mind
Usually puts me in a bind

For a moment or two.

I constantly fight
To be cheerful and bright

Because deep down that's me.

I'll continue the crusade
Till these thoughts start to fade

And shape who I'll be.

I fear failure

A fear so strong it almost stops me in my tracks.

"Don't write that test, you surely won't pass"

Does that make sense? Well let's see.

My high school average was 97.3

I don't slack off, I surely work hard.

Then why is it that self doubt relentlessly bombards?

Negative thought patterns have played in my mind

So long my self confidence is difficult to find.

It has built up walls, making me believe I can't succeed.

But I am armed with my bulldozer, I want to be freed.

My mind tells me lies
It jumps to conclusions
Spits out so much negativity most would be disdained.

I try to reign it in
To ensure it doesn't win

But sometimes the thoughts seem so true
It feels like it's mud I'm trying to wade through.

I have to fight every single negative inclination
Be strong and fierce.

To not give into the poisonous thoughts
Like daggers, my mind they attempt to pierce.

Scrolling through old pictures,
I come across the photos
That show a timeline of my descent into madness

As mental illness ravaged every single part of me
Stole my personality
My laugh
My smile
The very essence of my being.

Most will say
"It was just a phase"
But that torment
That mental and physical pain
Wanting to disappear
The horror of looking into the mirror and not recognizing yourself
Not knowing what was going on
And not being sure you could stop it.

When your worst enemy lies within you,
How can you attack it, without hurting yourself?
Perhaps that is why mental illness is so tough to overcome.
You can't just snap out of it.

I shed tears for how sick I was
How inconsolable
How dark days turned into darker nights
Where nothing mattered
Nothing had purpose
I was less valuable than the air I breathed.

But I'm grateful for those that stuck by me
That believed in me
That picked me up when I fell down
For I didn't disappear into the abyss

I was propped back up on my own two feet
Prepared for battle
Prepared to change
Prepared to do whatever it took to survive.

Fought through university
Fought to make new friends
To NOT be defined by my invisible illness

I soldiered on.
Now I'm up against the hardest part of the battle.
Accepting myself for who I am.

And I will continue to fight.
For surrendering is abandoning the very essence of my being
My soul will not bear a white flag.

She stares at her reflection.
Recognizes her distorted perception.

Evil whispers fill her head
Self criticism is the only part that wants to be fed.

She's made huge leaps, fought her way,
And continues fighting for recovery to stay.

She finishes writing the test
Thankful her anxious brain can rest

But the test isn't actually done,
As students discuss the answers to number one.

They compare solutions,
go over the questions they found tough,
The girl wishes she could plug her ears,
But the students haven't had enough.

As they talk they realize they got some wrong,
But take it lightly in stride,
They do not know that if the girl joined in,
it'd crush her soul and pride.

Because it starts the criticism rolling,
Bashes her left and right,
"How could you get such an easy question wrong?
You're anything but bright"

"Try harder next time,
come on, I'm sure you can do better.
You need to do well, idiot,
A is the golden letter"

Others wonder why she doesn't join in
On the post-test debates,
If only they knew the anxiety and sadness it brought her,
Her mind, how it self-berates.

The girl is working to quiet the noise,
To silence the negative notions,
But until then don't discuss too much in her presence,
Step by step, she's setting positivity in motion.