i wonder if my name dances round and round in your head like a mantra
i wonder if it pops up in the middle of conversations, if you hear the syllables like a call to prayer
i wonder if it makes you wish you were dead
no; i wonder if it makes you wish i were dead
i wonder if you wake up in the morning and for a quick second you can't remember why you hurt
then loud and clear it shrills, ringing in your head, a reminder of your destruction
i wonder if they ask you why you look so burnt
i wonder if my name whispers itself into your ear but you stay silent
i wonder if it laughs when they tell you that love is the answer
i wonder if it cries when they tell you that love is the devil
do you stand straight like a soldier being called on to the battlefield
when you hear something that rhymes with it
or do you crawl into a hole within yourself and let the moment pass?
does it lull you to sleep late at night when the demons play
does it scream in your head when you're somewhere between life and death?
do you remember my name, my love? do you remember it soft, loud, and alive? do you remember my name, my love, do you remember it well? do you remember my name, my love, because it remembers you. do you remember my name, my love, because it has not forgotten you.

a thousand moons
condensed into
a single drop
of silver.

your eyes
hold
my world.

1764

The saddest noise, the sweetest noise,
  The maddest noise that grows,—
The birds, they make it in the spring,
  At night’s delicious close.

Between the March and April line—
  That magical frontier
Beyond which summer hesitates,
  Almost too heavenly near.

It makes us think of all the dead
  That sauntered with us here,
By separation’s sorcery
  Made cruelly more dear.

It makes us think of what we had,
  And what we now deplore.
We almost wish those siren throats
  Would go and sing no more.

An ear can break a human heart
  As quickly as a spear,
We wish the ear had not a heart
  So dangerously near.

dear god,
you were introduced to me as kind, forgiving, generous. whenever i made a mistake, i didn't feel the need to come apologize to you because i thought you'd know it was a mistake and forgive me. not once in my life have i gone out of my way to hurt anyone. any pain i may have caused anyone was unintentional. like the way i broke my sister's arm- i didn't mean it. we were playing. my parents may not have understood that, but i knew you would understand because you were always- you have always been- my best friend.
i am eighteen now and i've made more mistakes than i can count. these mistakes didn't hurt anyone but myself. i made bad decisions out of vulnerability, desire, fear. and i thought you'd understand. i stayed up a few nights explaining to you exactly what happened (you were there though, so i probably didn't even need to do that). i ******* up, i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i swear to god. i mean, i swear to you.
but recently i'm being told by everyone around me that i need to repent and beg for forgiveness. god, i don't understand. why would i say sorry to you for my mistake? you created me. you knew i was made to make mistakes. if you wanted me to be perfect, you would have made me so. but you didn't. i've always come to you in times of need, in times of confusion and pain. you have guided me, i have trusted you, you told my secrets to no one.
why now, must i beg for forgiveness? you know me better than i know myself. you know i have always sacrificed myself for those i love, i never wanted anyone to hurt.
i am lying here with a broken heart and a the words are twisting in throat. my stomach is on fire and every breath is a struggle. i am thankful that i do not need to speak for you to hear me. god, tell me this, why must i beg for forgiveness when i know that you have forgiven me? i know you have forgiven me for being human. you made me human in the first place.
other humans will not forgive me.
you will. you always have.

please help me understand.
regards,
your human.