i know that i can be emotionless
i know it seems like i don't care
most of the time i don't
what i don't like is when you say
that i have a black soul
or a black heart
every time i hear that
i feel another brick building the wall
you have no idea how hard i try
to be strong
to be fearless
to be powerful
you don't know
how many times
this heart and soul has wanted to just stop
so the fact that you mock
me trying my best
hurts more than i like to admit
and it just reminds me
of why i don't show my emotions
in the first place

i am tired of feeling like i am in last place
i don't know how i will ever be as good as you
everything i try so hard at seems like it comes naturally to you

i am sick of how you take everything for granted
you don't appreciate what you have
i wish for once you could see what it is like for other people

you are so blinded by your own opinions
you have no idea what anyone else is thinking
or what others are feeling

you put yourself first and that's all the matters
others are just collateral damage

i am the collateral damage
i get hurt by you at every single turn
i am pushed behind you like a castoff  
i am never free from you

i just want to be my own person
not constantly comparing myself to you
so just for once notice that i don't have it all
you do

just know that bravery isn't always something you are doing but rather what you aren't doing

i am in a constant state of denial
telling myself over and over
my problems weren't real
i made them up,
but i know that it was real
it happened
it changed my life
not for the better,
but i'm still not sure,
i can't ask people if i'm crazy
because nobody knows
except for two people
and now that i'm a little better
i doubt myself all over again
wondering
if i'm okay now
was i always okay?

this is about feeling something. and it's about feeling nothing. this is for the days when you feel unstoppable and like a superhero. this is for the days when you feel empty and invisible. this is for those who sleep and sleep as a way of escape. and this is for the those who can't and won't allow themselves to sleep.

there is always a way to overcome. to face your demons head on and realize that you hold the power. to hold on like it's your last breath because at some point it could've been.

i just want to disappear for a while
i want to forget about everyone and everything
not forever
not yet anyway
but just for now
because i am tired
of trying to get through everyday
i don't want to think about dying
i just for once want to be able to truly live
without these thoughts clouding my brain
so i need to disappear
and see if you would be okay
if i would be okay
without me here

i hate that i have days
where i just feel sick
constantly nauseous and a fast heart
being filled with anxiety
and still not knowing why
when nothing you have done
is different or scary
but there is still that feeling
that just seems to never go away

you were the fire during the rain storm.
the person who seemed dependable.
that you would be there through even the hardest times.

i'm sorry if i made it too much about me.
and forgot about you along the way.

i'm not good at relationships.
that was always you not me.
remembering the anniversary's.
taking the time to tell me i was beautiful.

i loved you.
i just didn't know how to show it.
now i guess i never will.

if the shooting stars
went over our heads
would you sit with me
and make a wish instead
and let's pretend
that constellations are our friends
we'll point them out
one by one
until every little star
has begun
to understand
that it is more
than just a little one
it's part of a masterpiece
one i can only wish upon
once a week
so stay with me
and make a wish
underneath the stars
and the galaxies

do you want me to lie
and say i don't love you

because i can't

i can't imagine me without you
but it seems like you can