Stooping down for slippers,
That's when I felt the snap,
Pain was shooting up,
The pain was in my back,

Taking it so carefully,
I tried to stand up straight,
The way that I was doing it,
Was one ******* mistake,

Now double bent on my knees,
Thinking what to do,
Bladder at the fullest,
And bursting for the loo.

Hey ****** ******,
The cars do a twiddle,
They twist and turn on the road,
Dodging the *** holes,
Some with broken controls,
I've even seen some being towed,

Hey ****** ******,
The road in the middle,
Needs a little repair,
If you can swing by,
And give it a try,
And pretend you're a council that care,

Hey ****** ******,
Thanks for the repair in the middle,
But the road needs a whole new coat,
Take care when crossing,
Cause the road's all rutting,
You'll need to be a mountain goat.

Hey ****** ******,
Is the council on the fiddle,
Just like Nero did in Rome,
Please come and fix it,
You'll need to bring a tar pit,
Cause it's shaking the walls in my home.

Palm Sunday is upon us,
Christ's triumphant arrival,
A week before his death,
With no chance of survival,

Jesus died to save mankind,
On that Easter day,
Risen on the sabbath,
Risen from where he lay,

Doesn't look like mankind cares,
For what he did on that day,
With all the wars that's warring,
The world's in disarray.

Remember.the.early.days.
When.you.first.did.a.text.
Instead.of.doing.a.space.
After.a.word.a.dot.came.next.

I didn't get mail today,
The postman didn't call,
No letter box rattling,
No letters in the hall,

No dinner reservations,
No flights to Istanbul,
No romantic entanglement,
Valentine's day’s so cruel.

An ither Burns night,
Has finally come alang,
If you've got an invite,
You'll hae to sing a song,

You'll soon be reciting poems,
Wi a whisky in one hand,
A haggis in the ither,
You'll be feeling mighty grand,

Daein wan o Rabbies,
Or wan you've writ yersel,
Gie it public airing,
You'll hae us in a spell,

Once the night's ower,
Poems spinning round yer heid,
Burns night is for aw body,
It's a pity that he's deid.

You brought us so much happiness,
You taught us how to laugh,
You brought us Mork and Mindy,
Didn't do comedy by half,

Popeye the spinach eating sailor,
Patch Adams' squeaky shoes,
Happy films made for kids,
Childhood's not to lose,

Things we didn't understand,
About your private life,
About the drink and drugs,
And depression that was rife,

The day that comedy died,
The day you took your life,
The family that will miss you,
The sadness of your wife.