rantipole

rantipole Dec 2018

this time,
i saw it coming,
or so i say.

this time,
it didn't hurt,
i wasn't sad,
i was nothing.

because

this time,
i was numb...

whatever was left;
an inkling, a trace of what there was,

is gone.

and this time,
it didn't hurt because the nerves have been stripped,
and i'm not sad because the well has run dry.

this time,
you've taken everything.
and now - what i am and what i have left -

is nothing.

rantipole Apr 2017

Enough?

I love you &
I'm paranoid.
Missing you;
It's a disease.
I'm scared...
Of who I am?
Of who you think I am?
I love you,
And I don't know...
If it is e n o u g h

rantipole Nov 2016

Time

It's always weird coming home
To no one,
Knowing I did this
To myself.
It hurts,
Hurts.
It makes me feel like
It's time,
It always feels likes
It's time.
I hate it but,
It keeps me feeling,
At least.
Maybe it is time.
Maybe it was a while ago.

rantipole Aug 2015

if this were paper i'd burn it

i promised i would stop
but,
you are the vice
i cannot give up,
the addiction i will always
hold on to.
the comforting
crippling
reminder
of the fate that could have been
but will not be.

it feels like years
since i've heard your voice,
since i felt your skin
against my skin.
years since
i had something
worth
letting my guard down for.

the flowers were still
in bloom
and the warmth
was plentiful.
we were alive
but,
it is winter again
even in the dead of August,
even in the smoldering heat.
it is winter
again
and i am cold
without you.

#addiction #depression #lonely #alone #summer #winter #her #missing #vice #addict

rantipole Jun 2015

Hazard

I don't care if I die tonight,
And never grow older.
All my life, but as of tonight,
I've never been colder.
And I realized tonight,
That my friends aren't my friends.
Because it's Friday night,
And I'm alone and I'm spent.
Yeah I'm drunk,
What's it ******* to ya?
How else can I get through huh?
Yeah I'm drunk,
And I hope sober isn't next.
Because I've never felt so alive,
This close to death.

#friends #depression #lonely #alone #gone

rantipole Mar 2015

conditions of the heart

sometimes my heart is a garden,
sometimes it is a landfill.

sometimes
i think about love and
warmth and good,
and how i could do
anything because
i’m special and
i’m talented.
sometimes
i think
i could even go to church
and god would smile
and i would smile back.

sometimes
i think about thunderstorms
and dark and alone,
and how if i stayed
in this bed all day
every day
i could just fade into nothing.
sometimes
i’m afraid to open the window
because who knows
if today’s the day
i jump.

sometimes my heart is a garden,
sometimes it is a landfill.
and i'm looking for that
special kind of person
who can find
the treasure
in both.

(and i've found her)

#love #feelings #depression #heart #happiness #her #emotion #searching

rantipole Mar 2015

hindsight

what have i done?
it feels like suicide,
like there are bullet holes
in my mind;
like i’m the one
who pulled the trigger.
i miss you.
i could scream it
over
and
over
it feels like homicide,
like there’s a noose
around our love;
like i’m the one
who placed it there.
what have i done to myself?
what have i done to us,
and why?
you reckless ******* hypocrite.
why would you ****
the only thing
keeping you alive?

#love #suicide #depression #death #hypocrite #mistakes #agony