I had to travel through eight worlds to save Princess Peach.
But she's about as warm and caring as a blood ******* leech.
After killing seven fake Bowsers, I finally destroyed the real one.
I did it to save Peach but it was something I shouldn't have done.
She turned out to be a snob, she called me dumb and Luigi dumber.
She said that we're worthless in her eyes because we're just plumbers.
I had to fight turtles and Goombas and I told her that I deserved to be thanked.
She said that I'm dust beneath her feet and I decided that she should be spanked.
I put her over my knee and I spanked that soft ***.
She cried and cried which proves that she has no class.
I was only given a few lives and I had to travel through thirty-two levels to be able to win.
I would've dumped Peach in the lava instead of Bowser if I had things to do over again.

I stole one of Donald Trump's credit cards five years ago.
I spent ten million dollars and prison was where I had to go.
I bought a lot of expensive things, including a Ferrari.
I committed credit card fraud and I'm not at all sorry.
I hid everything I bought really well so that it can't be retrieved.
Trump has tried to find it but it's something he hasn't achieved.
Trump said he wouldn't press charges if I would give the merchandise back.
I gave him the finger and he spat on me so I had to give him a hard smack.
I slapped the taste out of the President's mouth and he started crying.
Even though Trump hasn't found the merchandise, he won't stop trying.
Yesterday, my sister planted a few of the stolen items in Hillary Clinton's house.
The police hauled Hillary away in handcuffs and they also arrested her spouse.
But Bill resisted arrest so the police had to use tear gas.
They also beat him with their billy clubs and kicked his ***.
The cops believe that Bill and Hillary were accomplices to my crime.
And that almost makes up for me having to do hard time.

In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to die.
You are probably curious so I'll tell you why.
A man has slapped a pair of handcuffs on my wrists.
He thinks I'm sleeping with his wife and he's ******.
But he has also crammed a stick of dynamite up my ****.
He lit the fuse because his wife turned out to be a ****.
But I'm not his wife's lover, he's punishing the wrong guy.
I'm about to be blown to kingdom come, I don't want to die.
But the dynamite didn't explode, it turned out to be a dud.
But he isn't done with me yet, he intends to spill my blood.
He just pulled out a knife and said that this is the end.
But his slutty wife just drove past with her boyfriend.
He has removed the cuffs and apologized because he was going to ****.
I just crammed a lit stick of dynamite up his *** to show him how it feels.

In 1987, he starred in a movie that was called 'The Monster Squad'.
At a very young age, he died and went to Heaven to be with God.
Two other movies that he starred in were 'Home Free' and 'Dance 'Til Dawn'.
When he died of Pneumonia in 1997, it was hard to believe that he was gone.
He abandoned his acting career to study law before dying at the age of 22.
To die at such a young age is unfair and ridiculous, and that certainly is true.

I adopted Agnes six years ago today.
She'll be my dog until she passes away.
I named my Chihuahua after my late mother.
She's my dog and I won't trade her for any other.
Agnes got sick and a veterinarian examined her.
The vet discovered that she has a heart murmur.
Because of a tick, Agnes was temporarily paralyzed.
I didn't know a tick could do that, I was surprised.
She nearly died and it was hard for me to stand it.
Agnes is one of the greatest dogs on the planet.

His name is Mario Mario and he was Nintendo's mascot.
He used to be Nintendo's biggest star but now he's not.
Nintendo fired Mario when they learned that he has a Playstation 4.
They didn't want an employee who plays the games of a competitor.
He thought Luigi would take up for him but he's the one who turned Mario in.
When Mario got done with him, he was sorry and he won't betray Mario again.
When Luigi turned his brother in, Nintendo agreed to let Luigi take his place.
After Mario beat Luigi senseless, he started jumping up and down on his face.
Luigi learned that turning his brother in was a really stupid thing to do.
Mario broke several of Luigi's body parts and his face looks like an old shoe.
Mario believes that Nintendo is dumb because they made his first and last names the same.
And the entire world is shocked because there will be no future Mario games.

I found out why a lot of people started hating me.
I was a screenwriter and I wrote Superman III.
I never dreamed that I'd be bullied when I became a screenwriter.
But people think my writing ***** and I had to become a fighter.
The Warner Bros. executives quickly wished they had thrown my screenplay in the trash.
Years later, I wrote an even worse screenplay which is titled 'The Adventures of Pluto Nash'.
My days of being a screenwriter were over and I was in tears.
Eddie Murphy beat the hell out of me because I ruined his career.
Other people also beat me up so I started taking karate classes.
I earned a black belt and I started kicking people's *****.
If you're another bully, I need to tell you something before we start fighting.
You should back off because I'm far better at karate than I am at screenwriting.