I didn't get much schooling so I can't read or write.
Many people don't understand my situation and plight.
I thought I was buying sugar but I bought salt.
My cake made people puke and it was my fault.
When I drive, I can't read stop signs so I always crash.
Over thirty people have sued because of whiplash.
When I was seven, Dad wouldn't let me go to school anymore.
When a person can't read or write, it closes so many doors.
I can count to ten but I have to use my fingers and thumbs.
And if you actually believe I can't read or write after reading this poem, you are dumb.

I learned the hard way that real bears aren't like Winnie the Pooh.
I decided to pet one and I soon learned it was a stupid thing to do.
When I tried to pet him, he bit off my hand.
I can no longer drive a taxi so I was canned.

I thought that all bears were like Winnie the Pooh, kind and gentle.
When my wife learned that I lost my hand and job, she went mental.
My wife used to be understanding and sweet, we used to laugh and cuddle.
As she walked out the door, I kicked her in the **** and she landed in a mud puddle.

She didn't want a man with no job and no hand so she decided to leave.
But getting a swift kick in the **** wasn't something she expected to receive.
If you've seen Child's Play, you'll understand that my wife has the temper of Chucky.
Losing my hand and job caused me to lose that witch so I guess that I'm pretty lucky.

Let me tell you about Barney Rubble.
He's a criminal who is in big trouble.
Barney lost his job and Bamm-Bamm was taken by the state.
That made him turn mean, he has been consumed by hate.
He and Fred Flintstone are enemies noe, he's gotten himself in a mess.
Barney looked through Fred's window and watched Wilma undress.
Wilma knew that he was watching but didn't care.
She didn't mind him seeing her while she was bare.
Barney bought a new car after he kidnapped Pebbles and sold her on the Black Market.
But the bank took his house so he had no place to park it.
All of this started because Barney lost his son.
Now Fred is out looking for Barney with a gun.
Fred is determined to shoot his former friend and watch him die.
He just found Barney so now Barney can kiss his **** goodbye.

I welcome 2019, I'm glad it's here.
I hope it will be an excellent year.
Many years ago on every New Year's Day, Mom cooked hog jowls and black eyed peas.
But I didn't like those meals very much, I wasn't pleased.
Sadly, I now spend New Year days alone because Mom is deceased.
I certainly hope that the year 2019 will be a year of prosperity and peace.
God has given me another year to live and for that, he deserves my praise.
I will love, praise and worship The Lord for the remainder of my days.
I hope that 2019 will be a good year for others and myself.
And I wish everybody a year of happiness and good health.

The end of 2018 is very near.
In just a matter of hours, 2019 will become the new year.
2018 was a sad year because my aunt died.
After 43 years of marriage, my uncle lost his bride.
But 2018 didn't completely ****, I've seen worse years.
In just a matter of hours, 2019 will be here.

My son asked for a video game console and I ended up being sorry.
I went Christmas shopping at a flea market and bought him an Atari.
When he unwrapped the Atari 5200 on Christmas morning, he had a fit.
He has blessed me out before but this is the only time that I've been hit.

He took a sledgehammer to his gift that he hated.
It was over thirty-five years old, it was outdated.
He called me stupid because I bought him a console that is 8-bit.
He said he wanted a PS4 or XBOX One and then he threw his fit.

I had all of his BS that I could stand so I put him over my knee.
His **** is black and blue because of the way he treated me.
I gave him a good spanking because he crossed the line.
Because of that Atari 5200, I put blisters where the sun doesn't shine.

I gave my daughter $10,000 for Christmas and she gave me a hammer and a box of nails.
I tried to raise her properly but obviously I failed.
I give her $10,000 every year and she gives me a piece of crap.
It takes all of my will power to stop myself from giving her a slap.

Last year, the ungrateful witch gave me a plunger.
Now I'm broke and about to die because of hunger.
I'm not a rich man but when it comes to the ten grand, she expects to receive it.
When it comes to the lousy gifts she gives, it's probably hard for you to believe it.

One year she gave me a turkey baster and another year, she gave me a broken rod and reel.
If she wasn't my only daughter, I would hire a hitman to ****.
She demands $10,000 every year even though it's so steep.
She never buys me a good present because she's too cheap.