What happened to me was unjust and unfair.
I was framed for ****** and I got the chair.
But I was able to return from the grave.
I had my revenge and it was depraved.

I've never been a forgiving person, I always hold a grudge.
First I killed the District Attorney and then I killed the judge.
Then I killed the people who found me guilty.
I slaughtered all twelve members of the jury.

Next, I went after the guilty party.
He became sorry that he framed me.
And finally, I killed the two Police Officers who brought me in.
Those seventeen people won't condemn an innocent man again.

I was abducted by aliens and I'm angry, bitter and depressed.
They took me to a world where the women have no *******.
When I was abducted, I was promised a life of happiness.
But how can I be happy when the ladies have no chests?
I'm ******* and I want to cry because they were not honest with me.
The women on this world are so flat that they make Olive Oyl look *****.
When I was on Earth, I manufactured bras but they are obsolete here.
Coming to this planet has put an end to my happiness and to my career.
You may think that I'm lying to you, I know that it's hard to believe.
But if you're a man and you're brought here, you will want to leave.

I killed a man just to get in the newspapers and on the Six O'Clock news.
I wanted to get noticed even though my freedom was something I'd lose.
I did it just for the publicity.
I wanted people to notice me.
Because of what I did, millions of people are outraged.
It sure did feel good to see my face on the front page.
Now I'm being tried and I'm facing jail.
That idiotic judge actually let me out on bail.
Killing that man was wrong but I'm not one bit sorry for what I've done.
But I am sorry because the victim's dad is going to **** me with his gun.

When you were dead in Firecreek, it looked real.
That was brilliant acting and it took a lot of skill.
But sadly, now you're also dead in real life.
It has devastated your kids and your wife.

You were rich and famous but it didn't make you become a snob.
Everything you touched turned to gold, you always did a good job.
You were Jim Lindsey, Jeff Myrtlebank and Rosco Coltrane too.
Now you're in Heaven with Uncle Jesse, Boss Hogg and Lulu.

I know that you've been looking for love and romance.
But your boyfriend only wants to get into your pants.
He's going to dump you when he gets what he wants.
And then he's going to go home to his wife in Vermont.
But I know how that you can ruin his life.
Just pick up the phone and call his wife.

My peach tree only had one peach and my brother decided to pick it.
I grabbed it out of his hand and you know where I decided to stick it.
My brother was really ******.
He had to go to a Proctologist.
He took me to court and the judge ordered me to pay the doctor for removing the peach from his ***.
That made me very mad and I started giving that judge sass.
I threw a punch at the judge when he held me in contempt.
But he had a black belt in karate and now I walk with a limp.
When it came to that **** peach, I should've let my brother eat it.
This has been a bad experience and I sure as hell will never repeat it.

While I wasn't looking, somebody stole my soda.
I quickly learned that it was Jedi Master Yoda.
I walked over to his table and we exchanged words.
I really got mad when that dwarf flipped me a bird.
I beat the hell out of him, whooping him wasn't hard at all.
He tried to use the force but he was no match for me because he's only two feet tall.
Because of our altercation, that Jedi wound up in a lot of pain.
I kicked his green *** and that's why he has to use his cane.
He lost bladder control, the floor was covered with ***.
Yoda learned that it's a very bad idea to steal from me.