sun
has never meant
much to her
she's always found solace
in the ash of the clouds
like the ash
between her teeth
and she surveys the wreckage
of what once mattered
and doesn't anymore
because she stopped caring
and this
has come
from the hell
we endure
for just
one more kiss
these clouds
and the sunburn that can still come from between them
and she's always wanted to see the zoo in winter
and he promised she would
and he never took her
and now he's gone
into the ash
leaving nothing
but a whisper
behind to tell her
"remember."

.......................


What's that?

Oh... Nothing.


The truth is not an option.


Oh god.

Not again.


That silent phone, distracted eyes.

Thinking about what I've said to...


No. The truth is not an option. I wish it was.


This route just feels familiar now.

There's nothing to look forward to.

But, well...


The truth is not an option.


No. You're right.

But...

I don't know, perhaps it is.



The truth is not an option.


Ok, so what?


Nothing.


Just

say

nothing.

this,
this is what relapse feels like.
sore knees, aching smiles,
bruised shins,
heart's been beating too fast,
afraid to tell mom and dad.
close the door, turn the shower on,
and bow to your master.
shove it down, get it out,
"i'm so tired, **** i'm so tired."
"keep going, keep going,
i promise it'll all be worth it."
my brother is only two rooms away,
but this,
this is the epitome of loneliness.
flush it down, unlock the door,
get out.
and start again.

this,
this is what relapse looks like,
teenage girl with a plastered grin,
this time she's letting everyone in,
maybe she really does have to use the bathroom,
smile, smile, smile, she's full of hate.
"i'm so happy, **** i'm so happy.
recovery is going great."
rip apart the meal plan, swallow nothing but words,
they won't find out this time,
i won't let them find out.
my brother is two rooms away,
but i,
i am the most introverted extrovert.
a master of disguise, pulling the
wool over your eyes.

it's not me, i swear it's not me.
it's not me, i swear it's not me.

i haven't been me in a while.

think for a moment, dear
about all the birthdays
of all the good people on the earth.

now think for a moment,
about all the birthdays of all the bad people on the earth

and notice
the former
is much higher
than the latter

and realize
the earth
is not a good place yet.

There is always something
Peaceful
In the water
As I drop down, down
My voice soft
asking jellyfish the time
On my way down
Murky green silt
And rusty docks
And fishing vessels
All alone
Til I've hit the bottom
And there's no where to go
But to face my demons
Cause they sink like stones.

Don't make me miss you
it's not fair
if you
won't miss me
because I am just something to throw away.

Once
upon a time
a little girl had a dream
that she was fading
losing
falling
and she hated it
and grew to have a
hatred
for ghosts
just like you
just like you
just like a star
something
quick
here and gone
in a flash
of purple light
and red fog
something to remember
but never to speak of
to hunt my ghosts
to hunt them down
and drown them
in smoke and white walls
something to hunt
nothing human
the deepest parts
buried beneath
a thousand
falling
shoes
and a basketball jersey
something hated
like someone I used to know
and then
with another flash
a streak across the sky
and the flick
of a lighter
like silver dripped on a wet page
like ghosts
in the mist
of a sad park
          with a sad man
                      and a very sad girl
because they have ghosts
haunting their heads
with a whisper
and a forgotten tear.