I have made many mistakes
From the moment I was born
I have made many mistakes.
For my soul has taken a body
with a weak heart and terrible
lungs, and yet yearns to live and
fight for life.
I have definitely made a mistake*

I have made many mistakes
From the moment my mind formed,
I have made a mistake. For my
heart has loved science and medicine
And yet my ears have attuned to music
and hands to play on strings. I
become torn between two beautiful
things.
i have definitely made a mistake

I have made a mistake
From the moment I started learning,
I made a mistake. For every moment
I existed in the hallways, I was broken.
For the other children ridiculed and laughed at me for being a strange and odd
being. From 4'5 to 5'11, I regretted living
I have made a mistake

But you..
You saw my mistakes as a blessing when
I was too blind to see what they should
be to me. You made my mistakes a good
part of me. You made my mistakes a blessing.

I have made a mistake
For I have seen them as mistake
*that was my biggest mistake

If I ever catch myself criticizing something I don’t like about myself, that is neither a life threatening nor a destructive observation, I have to question my own thoughts and ask if this judgment is truth, or coming from a place of insecurity. If insecurity is the reason, which most times it is, I step out from underneath that microscope in which I stood, and walk into the light of reality. I realize that my purpose in life is not to analyze and dissection who I am, or even other people.

If we can shift our thinking, we can change our feelings. Our feelings control how we view the world and ourselves. Perception has power; it cradles both thinking and feelings.

To understand anything, even yourself,
you must live with it, you must observe it,
you must know all of its content,
its nature, its structure, its movement.
Try living with yourself, all your faults,
your functionalities, begin to see that you
are not living in a static state,
you are constantly changing.
But do not get caught up in opinions,
judgments, and values.
Live with yourself.
Learn about yourself.
You must do this, in order,
to understand yourself.

© Matthew Harlovic

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hate yourself
The first time you tripped over your own fault lines
And started taking caution in every step
When did it happen?
Was it at 10?
When your shaking hands couldn't hold still
And the shame of them drove you into isolation
Maybe it's because others noticed
Or because they did their best to make it clear you were different
I don't think you know
That the rhythm you had and still have
Is unlike the rest
It is crooked and uneven but beautiful nonetheless
You didn't know it then
And accepting unsteadiness is easier said than done

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hurt yourself
Could it have been at 13?
When the weight of too much pressure motivated you to lose it
To the point where bones stuck out more than your voice
Loud girl became quiet that year
And then even more so the next
When your changing body didn't morph the way you would have liked it to
Left you shaped uncomfortably
A little too top heavy
The kind that drew unwanted attention
At a time when standing out was the last thing you desired
You turned skin into a battlefield into remnants from too many losses
Wrists became front lines, then hips, then neck until
You became too much destruction to keep the war going
You learned that it is impossible to win in a fight against yourself

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to forget yourself
Was it at 15?
When the sacrifice of your body wasn't enough
To make a careless boy love you
It was a silly thing to give it all away
When you barely had enough of you for yourself
Your efforts changed after that
Trying too hard turned into not trying at all
Feeling too much turned into feeling nothing at all
You learned to repress and erase
And start over in the morning
You have been heavy from trying to hide away for so long

Tell me when it is
The first time you learn to love yourself
Will finally be after all of the years of disappointment?
Of self-deprecation?
When you realize you deserve more
Than to be the dust swept off to the side
Deserve better than to be an ashed out version of your potential
You were not meant to be wasted
You were not meant to be washed out and pushed down
You were meant to stand tall

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you realize flaw is inevitable
When your skin turns itself different colors
And nothing can be done to change it
You will then learn acceptance

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you stop comparing
When you look in the mirror and see only yourself in the reflection
Nobody else
You were meant to be here
You were meant to embrace it all
This body
This skin
This image
The only one you will ever have
The same one you will have to love
And eventually you will,
You'll learn how to.