and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

the average human
describes their heartbeat
as a thud-thud or a few
rough pats to the chest.

i fall asleep with my ear
pressed up against your
chest. all i can hear is the
echo of a captain yelling,
"let me sink...let me sink..."
i ask you how you would
describe your heartbeat,
you point to the ship
in the bottle mounted on
your father's bookshelf
& faintly say
"the glass bottle keeps the
ship from sinking, completely
blocking out the captain's wish
to learn how to breathe
underwater because air just
isn't doing its job with keeping
him alive."

your break up letter to me
went a little something like;

"you were built in the fire,
stop acting like you burn in it.
you were never made to be fragile,
you were never made to be my glass."

my plead for you to stay
went a little something like;

(20) Missed Calls

your final goodbye
went a little something like;

a thud thud to the pavement.

& my final goodbye was
cracking open a bottle on your
headstone & standing in the sea
with the water rising up to
my knees, with a small ship in
the palm of my hand, a dunk
underneath the tide & a faint
whisper, *"breathe."

i open the front door & a small
man with his shirt buttoned all
the way up asks me if i'd like to
buy a pocket bible, so i can
worship wherever i go. i ask if i
can fit it in a flask & if it's okay
to take with whiskey. his eyelids
shut like a casket as he touches
his forehead, chest, right shoulder
then left shoulder. tells me i'm
going to hell. i crawl back
onto my bar stool and drink from
the ceramic mug you glued back
together the night you saw my face
and pictured a room full of soft
things shattering. i can hear the
sound of a train & it's such a shame
that the nearest railroad is under
construction. it's such a shame that
the floor of my mind is set up like
a child's playroom with plastic
train tracks set in the center & a
younger version of myself is sitting
in front of them playing with a
replica of the train my whole body
was begging to be kissed by.
ugh, kissing. my god. i'm so high.
kiss me in my death spot, the
spot that'll be where my life ends.
replace my train tracks with
a dollhouse. tell the soft things
that i love them. open my front door,
tell the small man to unbutton his
shirt, that not everyone buys
pants with pockets in them.
wake me up when i'm sober &
tell me to write an ending to this.
i cannot think of an ending. please
don't let me become it

i always seem to be sitting
in the middle of intersections
like a traffic light that hasn't
hung itself yet, always
seem to be waiting in the
middle of the ghost town
of where our love was first
built. there's a hospital
down the road where the
waiting room chairs are
much more morbid than
the hospital beds and
every electric heart rate
line sitting on the screen
of the heart monitors flatten,
make long beeping sounds
like an alarm clock, like a
wake up call; they make
long beeps like the ringing
i hear inside of the phone
when i call the owner of
the voice mail i've seem to
have made a home out of.
they took every place
we kissed and turned it into
a church that closes on
Sundays and holds a choir
full of people that lost their
voice in their own war. i've
been in the line for the
confessional for about two
years now because every
time i go up to say how
badly i want you to feel it
back, i let the girl wearing
your t-shirt cut in front of
me. the sidewalks only
seem to crack when they
remember how it felt
when you walked on them,
when you gave the ground
its purpose. one of these
nights the traffic lights will
come to their senses,
drop into the intersection
and crumble right next to me
because it's not like they have
anything to stop or at least
slow down because this is
a ghost town, & nothing is coming back.

"They"* say 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall'
Well, if that's true
Then...  My heart must be huge
Cause I always fall so hard
So fast
So incredibly hard
'In love'
I try to tell myself it's not love
When I have that dreaded thought
"I think I'm falling in lo..."
I stop myself,
Because I KNOW
When that feeling comes...
Only a broken heart is sure to follow
I always fall...
TOO fast
TOO hard
TOO wholeheartedly
I think it's a curse been given to me
So, even though I may lie to myself
Thinking that I'm not in love with you
I know deep down
That it's *not true

I am the useless child,
Who can't seem to do
Anything right,
Whose actions are never
What you expect them to be

I am the selfish child,
Who's ignorant and insensitive
Who only cares about herself
Who makes you wonder
"Why are you alive?"

I am the unwanted child,
Who has no place to go
Abandoned for being friends
With the monster
They call "Depression".

I am a child,
Who constantly disappoint you
Who made you ask questions
"What did I do to have you as a daughter?"
Whom you can't accept for being imperfect.

I am your child,
And I've grown tired wanting to be loved
Maybe I'll find where I belong
Somewhere far from here
Maybe it's in the paradise they call "Death".

When we die we see a light
Is it truly bright?
What of we put up a fight?
I truly have no sight!
I fear for death to come
yet I care not where it's from.
Whom shall I talk to at night
When everyone has blown out my small light
No one speaks a word
Nor do they care as long as there's a ford
Who cares if one dies?
Or even if one should lie?
No one is pure nor they light
Even if there not bright!
We put up not a single fight
When our humanity is in sight.
So here we lay our heads down low
And lose our angelic **glow

Okay I'm sorry
But I don't love you
You were too close of a friend
I didn't even want to risk losing you
But I gave it a shot
People always said,
My best friend was disguised as my soul mate
But in this instance it wasn't you
So I told you that and now you need your space
So now were not talking
This is what I was trying to avoid
I lost my best friend
Now I'm lost
Im sorry okay

I seem to take
Everything important
Everyone who cares
And give them a reason
To want to leave
But if I put real effort into something
They just get bored of me
Either way
I lose

I build up these walls around you
Securing my feelings and reasons
But once I see you, my true feelings show through
And I thought that I was in a new season

Brick by brick, I build up and up
My wall of avoidance is unbreakable
But your presence and voice give me no choice
To reveal my heart, unmistakable

When you address me at all, my sturdy, strong wall
Obliterates into crumble and ashes
My hearts skips its beats, I look at my feet
And time seems like it never passes

Why the **** do I love you? It crazy; absurd.
Is it the way you are so out of my reach?
I stumble and tumble around you in fumbles
Without you seeming to know the secrets I keep

You can't see me treading these waters
With a shark just looming below
I swam and I swum, but when I got done
I realized that you'll never know

I'd want you to save me from this hell
I'm sure that after I'd be just fine
But when I look around, I've finally found
The blame for this hell is mine