i left

you

because

you

did not see

me

for who

i

was

I’ve been a patient of pain far too long
And though pain has no home for me any longer
I’ve found that I just don’t know how to fully let go
Of all our memories
And moments
Of all the late night sessions of crying
It had me in
Of all the victories I claimed for embracing it
Bracing through the night with it
Of all the art we created
My longest term relationship
The most toxic person I dated
Probably heard I love you less
Than I hate it...
Though I can’t really hate it
Look at how far we made it
I promised myself when I got free from you
I wouldn’t look back
I wouldn’t even think about you
But here I am one last time
Dedicating a page to you
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to have a reason to heal
without you
How am I supposed to ever feel like I don’t need you
How am I supposed to create without you
How am I supposed to relate to other hurt people without you
What do I have left to say without you ...
How am I supposed to cry without you
How am I gone die without you ????

every lump in this mattress
a boulder against my back,
every wrinkle in the sheets
a two-by-four in my shoulder,

sleep denied by the fear
of what tomorrow’s visit
will bring. i squeeze my eyes
shut, try to focus instead

on the events of today,
find some relief, conjuring
her face. but then
visions of another face come,

black and white, frame by
frame, like in an old film noir.
dark, my love for her was very
dark, a source of secret shame.

i get out of bed, go to
the window, look out on
a surreal scene- moonlight,
and its muted glow, hints

of lacy flakes.

Both can ****
        The only difference is
                      Cigarettes shatter lungs
         She shatters everything

            I remembered the first moment
my lips pressed the filter
     as I lit it up breathed it all
                savored every smoke
       as if we covered up painful lies
        in a container of painkillers

The same way  
we used to pressed our lips
     sparked something between us
           savored every moment we had
    as if our love was a rose
               in a valley of tulips

Parents never die,
They continue to live in us,the children,
We carry their chromosomes.
That smile,
A habit,
Way of walking and talking,
A gesture
You look like your mother,
In short,
Like father like son

there is something about me
that needs love.
i need love.
i have never admitted that to myself
but i need it.

no one wants to stay around for long,
maybe I’m too abrasive.
i’m not for everyone;
an acquired taste.

my family thinks it’s hard to love me.
the love of my life wants nothing to do with me.

i like keeping people on a string.
pulling them behind me like a pet.

i never believed my father when he called me a user
but i guess it is true.

i use people.
i use my body,
to get the love from other people
that i cannot find in myself

"What would you know about love?"

                    I know it's supposed to hurt

                                                  ...but not like this