I wish I could write it all out
Pour it onto paper a stream of feeling
Sweet release
Trap it in the pages
Where it can't ever get back inside me
Freedom
From all this pain
Pressing pressing pressing me down
Wilting me
It's so hard to rise up out of the ground each day
A concrete barrier
Cementing me in despair
Killing me one desperate day at a time
I would give my life away if I could
I don't want it anymore

Hey there Mum
It's just me writing
You sneak up on me in the quiet
In the quiet it's back sitting on my chest and I remember
You're gone, he's gone
I'm solitary
I felt like I was just living, just starting
And I lost it all
Is this how it goes Mum?
I miss you as much as 7 weeks love buys
I love you as much as my heart can
I'm empty empty empty
Where my parents used to be
I'm swallowing down hysteria and fear so intense it consumes
I'm blinking saltwater as useless as it is
I've got something good with a shelf life
It'll be taken away
I'm drowning
I'm drowning
It never goes away
But I wish life would

It strangles in it's hold
It suffocates with it's presence
It sits on my chest and I wheeze with the effort of
Breath
In out, choking
It holds me at night, cold, clawing darkness
The bed partner that goes nowhere
Infiltrating my mind filling it with
Pain pain pain  
It steals the grin right out from under me with the thoughts running through
Unstoppable, unbearable
Constant, comfortable, normal
Destroying me one piece of mind and body at a time
It's all lies
It's all truth
It's all fear

Happy New Year!
365 days of blank, clean slate
A fresh start
Positive! Smiles! Resolutions!
New me
Without you
Happy New Year kid!
You have no parents
No Mum now if I ever really had her
Always out of reach
No Dad if he was ever really mine at all
Suitcases always packed, bus ticket at the ready
Living in a lake of fear
I have love, I have family, adopted
Adopted me as I adopted them
Temporary
Until a better offer comes,
Prettier, smarter, babies, husbands, whole families again
And I am replaced
Thrown out, blotted out of photos
Happy New Year kid!
You're on your own in the big wide world.

I want to **** this fear, butchers knife cut it limb to limb

I want to decimate this helplessness, pull it apart seam by seam bare hands

I want to destroy this desperation, tie the rope and hang it from rafters

I want to manslaughter this conflicted uncertainty, a ****** mess on the kitchen floor

**** them, before they **** me.

Soon, soon, soon
My mantra
Feels like I'm trapped here,
I am for a time
But that time will be done soon
I anticipate it, I dread it,
My head is a jungle,
My thoughts predators, preying on one another,
Fighting to be the king of the jungle,
To no avail
I am mixed, swirled and sick to stomach
Soon soon soon
I'm outta here

The scent
The sounds
The vibrant colour
The excited tones and syllables
It's Christmas
I can't stand it
It's two weeks til my 19th birthday
In my stomach; a dark pit, sickness, knots
In my head; panic, darkness, fear
In my heart; fear, sadness
I can't stand the word Christmas
I can't stand the smell of fruit mince pies, gingerbread houses, tinsel
I can't stand the lights and smiles and trees with baubles so bright and lights flashing
I can't stand the happiness, holding hands, singing families
It's Christmas and I'm holding your hand, singing for comfort, yours and mine
and you're dying
I'm smelling death
I'm hearing words like renal failure, hypoxia, cancer; and I'm scared out of my wits
It's Christmas time, I'm a kid and I'm sitting here waiting for you to die
It doesn't feel like Christmas at all.