Five Fingers

Aug 2014

Disclosed

4,5,6

I selfishly professed to you
that my teenage mind
can not process the idea of Love

Yet at 4 am
laying on your chest watching it rise

I understood

Love is wanting to be apart of something bigger than yourself

that night at 5 am as the sun began to rise
I want to intertwine my hands with yours
and become one

that morning at 6 am I fell in love

#love #you #*** #missing

Five Fingers Aug 2014

the sweetest love

i am so sorry
so so sorry
and i will never forgive myself for not being able to give you my everything
because all of me
every ounce of my being
is not even enough to repay every drop of your soul
that you have offered me
i cry and i cry and i just cant
i am so sorry
that my love is incapable
my heart not made big enough
to hold the half the weight you hold for me
i am a wretch
i am so flawed
i am so unworthy
of everything you have showered on me
and i want the best for you
i want you to find someone worthy
i want you to love and be loved as deeply and profoundly
but until then
i guess ill keep digging my hole in hell deeper
and be selfish just a while longer
until i decide i am too disgusting to accept anymore from you
because i am sorry
and no amount of me saying that will ever make up for the time you have
wasted on me
i only pray that i will cherish you the way you deserve
i only pray that i can love you half of what you deserve
at least
i only pray that one day you will hate me
because that is what i deserve
and not you

#love #hell #pain #true #imsorry

Five Fingers Aug 2014

let me go

it's all coming back to me
every minute
every laugh

that took my breath away
you were my only path

but every time i am led to you
its like walking into a wall

you sit there
giving me everything
demanding nothing at all

but my love
i cannot want you
no matter how much i wish i could
i am so stuck
i feel so bound

i want you to be my end game
but my heart cant play in this right now

sometimes i wish you'd just break my heart so i can let you go

#love #pain #letgo

Aug 2014

Bella Anima

Past, Present, Future.

Past
Is here.
Whispering in my ear
Reminding me of it all.

Past
Is here.
Living in my head
Replaying it all.

Past
Is today.
What I live in.
What I believe in.

Past.
You haunt me
When I cannot resist
When I am weak
When you are all I need.

Past.
You haunt me
In every plan I make
For the future.
In every breath I take
In every step I take
Towards the future.

The present
Is a blur.

The past is my shadow.

#future #hurt #shadow #past #present #challenge #haunt

Aug 2014

k-d

Before I can ever be yours, I am mine.

It took me one sleepless night of writing
poems about you
poems about us
of quietly suffering under the sheets of my bed
of letting the darkness around me enter
of letting desire consume my head.

It took me one sleepless night of writing
to promise I'll always put myself first
to hold my own hand
to lift myself up
when I'm at my worst.

Because darling, you may have the most tender fingers
But who got me out of the sheets today?
It was myself
because I'm here alone
and you are so many miles a w a y.

#love #poet #sad #sadness #happiness #selflove #respect #recovery

Aug 2014

L

the long list of things i'm no longer allowed to think about

I can't let myself think about you anymore
Or your hands
Or where you put your hands
Or the way it felt when you put your hands on me
Or the gentle sighs I exhaled because it felt so good
Oops
I'm thinking about how it felt
And That's Not Allowed
I can't think about that day at the amusement park
Or us getting lost
Or why we got lost
Because I put the map in my back pocket
And told you if you wanted it you had to get it
I can't think about the photo booth there
Or the reason it took us twenty minutes to take one picture
Such a bad picture of such a good day
Oops
I'm thinking about it again
And That's Not Allowed
I can't think about the car ride home
I can't think about when we stopped for dinner and your parents went inside to order
We stayed in the car
I can't think about that
I can't think about the countless movies we pretended to watch while our eyes were too busy getting lost in the moment
Or how it felt to have your lips pressed against my neck
The stubble on your chin tickled in a good way
Your neck tasted good
I hope mine did
I can't think about you telling me to be careful
Don't leave a mark
And me ignoring you
I wanted to leave a mark
I wanted a piece of myself with you
I can't think about the long hugs when your hands wandered down from my waist to my hips
And sometimes (every time) even farther
Or the way you pulled me closer
And closer
And c l o s e r
Until I could feel you
Really feel you
For the first time
I can't think about the first time I fell asleep on you
You were explaining the origin of your last name
Your stupid last name that I thought would be mine someday
Oops
I'm thinking about it
And That's Not Allowed
I remember where I was sitting when you told me you liked me
I remember what I was wearing when you said I was your favorite
I remember it
But I'm not allowed to think about it
I can't think about the way you smelled--
Like sweat and febreeze and something spicy I could never place
Or how soft your hair was
Or how rough your hands were
Or how I got lost in your eyes
Those big brown eyes
I loved them
But ******* I can't think about them
That's Not Allowed
I can't think about your voice
It was my favorite lullaby
Or the goofy side your never let anyone see
Anyone except me
Why me
Why did you need to break me?
I miss you
I love you
But I can't think about you anymore
That's Not Allowed.