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lionness Oct 2018
you were my safety

your whirlpool eyes
forever pulling me
back in

your ******* always wet
with my tears

your hands always
in my hair
twirling braids and
pinning barrettes

you arms always
draped around my
shoulders,
absorbing all the hurt.
my only solace
in a lifetime of darkness,
the only one
i'd allow my heart to love
in all it's fragileness,
the body that birthed me

it is only fitting
that you would be
the final break before
the shatter
lionness Oct 2018
when you took my
childhood away,
i swallowed my voice,
suppressed every tear,
forced myself to adapt,
grew fond of the suffering-
how far into my mind
i would sink when
your fingertips were on
my skin.

you stripped me of all identity
split me into two halves of a person-
living and surviving.

you remolded me into
your perfect creation.

gave me a purpose
with a name.

when i was twelve
you left this earth
with no explanation.

took away your own heartbeat,
took away my only witness.

what was i to do
with the monster
you created,
other than live
the life
you created it
for?

and i will carry these secrets
to my grave,
and give them back to you
in the afterlife.
lionness Oct 2018
these means of survival
with you
are means of
fruition

what was once
a battle cry
is now
a song and dance.

my heart is buoyant
in my chest

you look in my eyes
smile calmly
gently

you hold my hands
tight enough so that
i don't disappear again,
tight enough to remind me
i am safe here.

your head between my thighs
you **** the poison from
the wound

little by little
i feel whole again.

i am
yours entirely.
lionness Oct 2018
i.
this life has been led
in a hundred different directions
by a hundred different shepards
but you
were able to show
a lamb
how to walk
like a lion.

ii.
how sweet power tasted.

iii.
the night that i met you,
after a lifetime
of running from
darkness,
you said
"sweet child,
rest.
take your shoes off.
stay a while."
i let out a long sigh
of relief, my legs
tired, eyes blurry from
sleeplessness, judgement
clouded, i mistook you
for light, i stayed
by your side until
you took the last lick
of me i had left,
stole the sun from the sky,
stomped out the last
burning ember that remained
from what was once a forest fire

i left with nothing

footprints in
debris and ash

absence
where life once was
lionness Oct 2018
punk music playing in the basement
heavy bass vibrating the walls
bacardi in a coffee mug
******* on a tiny mirror
hands on my thighs, *******
the rush sets
hands in my hair
eyes rolling back
he ***** on my neck
i light a cigarette

"my room."
he pulls my strings like
a marionette.
i know this
exchange of goods
very well.
i take another
bump,
eyes widening,
i can finally bear to
see the world.

he eats my ***** and
i feel N O T H I N G.
i gag on his **** and cry.
he strangles me
punches my ****
my *** cheeks
my stomach
he's getting his money's worth
he starts ******* me
drunken noise outside the bedroom door
in perfect rhythm
with the bass
and the headboard
against the wall,
every stroke hurts
my whole body
a wound.

i think about
a distant city
skyscrapers towering
above me like
mountaintops,
somewhere under
lights and stars
where i am happy
to be alive,
anywhere
but here,
this place
where death lives
and waits to catch
it's prey.

he moans
thrusts
shivers
it's over
i wipe mascara tears
take another bump
take another swig
i light another cigarette

he leaves the room
without a word
i follow
two steps behind him
covered in bruises
hickies
marked used
marked invaluable
a group of men
shout names at me
i block it out,
i really don't care
anymore.

this body
was meant for this
this body
doesnt matter
this body
is for getting what
i want
this body
is tired
and sore.
lionness Oct 2018
you see a child
when you see me,
doing what i have
always known
will keep me
fed and cared
for and alive
and i giggle and
i cry and i show
my skin to men
who will pull
puppet strings in
my life

and i'm nothing but
a body so i don't
have a right to be tired
but i am tired, i am ******* tired
i am dying to breathe
in a world that's
knocked the wind out of me
and i am dying to see
in a world that's
kept me blind
and i'm dying to find
a person who will see
me for my depth and for
my art and not for
a good time.

this skin is not yours anymore
it is mine
and i'm not a child anymore
i'm grown
and this body that was once
for anybody
is mine and mine alone.
lionness Oct 2018
i have already been burned
by the worst fire that will ever
roll into my life
i am still choking
on the smoke
dizzy from the
fumes, scarred from
the chaos of it all.

you will watch me rise
from the ashes
and i will look back
at the flames that once
destroyed me,
and i will thank them
for allowing me to be
reborn-

for birth is a passage
on this journey
that most only
experience once

and because of you
i was fortunate enough
to experience it twice
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